They say it gets better with time, but in reality we grow stronger. Sometimes, it feels like I am numb to the pain.
Not long ago, someone made the observation that I peaked in 2012. It's true, but what most people don't know is that that August, I was attempting to place in the top 20 on MFC, half way through the month, I got a call that summoned me back to China because my grandpa's stroke condition worsened. When I got to China, he looked fine. I spent my time in China working in my hotel, and using break time to visit him in the hospital.
Before I left China, the last thing I told my grandpa was that I was going to be back in September. I got the call of his passing at 1:38AM on September 1st. He held out. I didn't keep my promise. Right before I got the call, I was online crying and complaining about finishing at #24 and how I "had" to go to China to see my grandpa when I got the call, and I thought if it weren't for that trip I probably would have made it.
After that, I had never felt more ashamed of myself. I got so caught up in the trivialness of the MFC competition, I lost sight of the person who mattered most to me. My grandpa was and is the only person that truly loves me 100% unconditionally. I can't even say that about my mom. I once told my grandpa, "When I look for a husband, I want to find someone like you." Can you imagine? Losing the epitome of your ideal man? He was the only person I believed to love me no matter what.
September 2012, I rushed home to China and made it for his funeral. 2 trips to China in less than a month. While I was gone, someone sent me 34tkns for every day I was away. That made me feel like I was missed. But it was too late, everything was about to change. I started to shut everyone out, I couldn't communicate my loss because I believed people who've never lost a loved one couldn't empathize.
I favored 2 members I trusted, 2 that could empathize, and 2 that got me through those years of tears. I could no longer bring myself to smile, nor dance, I simply couldn't bring myself to dance anymore. The "Vintage China Hotel Dance" video was shot while I was in China visiting my grandpa the last time before he passed. When I look at that video, it is a constant reminder of my ability to dance to the music prior to his passing. Even now, 3.5 years later, I find myself sitting idly on cam unable to move with fluidity.
Last month, my mom called me past 10PM her time, left me a message telling me that she loves me, twice. The first thought I got was, "who died". But after listening to the voicemail and there was no mention of death, I thought everything was ok. But the next day, my mom told me her best friend's daughter committed suicide in a motel room. She was younger than me, beautiful, smart, yet life was so fucking hard on her. She had an ongoing battle with addiction, going in and out of juvenile hall and detox places. Selfishly, her troubles made mine look like child's play. The anger I felt after this loss was so great again, I started shutting people out again and believing that no one can understand what I'm going through.
About a week later, I was scheduled to attend AVN. This brought me comfort because all I wanted to do was give my mom a hug and tell her that I love her. I thought about all the times I selfishly had the same desire to take my own life. I told my mom, apologized, and promised her I would never do the same to her. Her death made me realize the impact our lives have on people around us, and it made me realize my own mortality.
When I got back from AVN, I received news that my very first best friend I had when I moved to CA, her mom died of cancer. I used to spend my time after school with her family. They helped raise me. This was a different type of grief. This one we've known for nearly a year, yet it shook me. I am an only child, my mom has been a single parent most of my life. This one scared me, it reminded me of my own mom's mortality.
They say death comes in 3s, with the death of my mom's best friend's daughter and my childhood best friend's mom. I became paralyzed with fear, grief, anxiety, sadness.
Odd thing was, I was just starting to cope after news of the suicide, but after news of my friend's mom, I was stunned. Denial. Anger. Pretty standard when it came to Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of grief (psych major remember?). I was trying to make sense of it all but I couldn't. Life is not just, there is no karma, and there is no sense to be made when it comes to death. Dead is dead. There is no rational explanation for why these things happen.
Now, it's as if all my grief, has compounded. My grandpa, a child, a mother. I can't think about one without thinking about the others. I can't imagine what it would be like to be old and have people drop dead all around like flies because I already find myself unable to function. If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then why do I feel so weak? I question the connections I have now, tempted to sever them to save myself from the pain of more loss.
Thinking about how my grandpa held on for all those years, the selfish acts of a daughter who was too tired to fight, and how my friends mom held on while she was trying to battle cancer and the inevitable. I have come to the realization that our life is not just our life. It effects all the lives around us. We live for those around us.
I came to the realization, losing the man who I thought was the most perfect in the world, the one person I knew without a doubt how much he loved me, had a bigger impact than I realized. Past the inability to dance or smile like I used to, I also lost my self-esteem. I didn't just lose the one person I believed to have loved me no matter what, I lost the faith that I would find someone else like him because he was gone. How am I ever going to find someone like him ever again?
I don't beg because I don't feel like I deserve anything. I can't move and try to entice people because I don't believe anyone will like me and even if they did, it wouldn't be unconditional. I can't bring myself to do public shows because I don't want a following of people who love me naked. I want to hold on to the sliver of hope that there are still people that love me or care about me unconditionally. People that will stick by me no matter how I feel. People like my grandpa.
"Strong when everything is wrong"... I'm trying Audrey I really am.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Monday, February 15, 2016
"Naked" on Periscope:
In my bra, panties, and socks, I found myself streaming on Periscope for some human interaction. But I got a massive amount of "open bob", which I ignored. That turned into a bunch of hate. Hate about everything and anything from my gut/muffin top, flat ass, "lingling", grandma, rat dick breath, hair loss, buttery face, ugly teeth, face... and so on. It could be I was ignoring the chat and frustration turned into aggression, but they were vicious. Because it was such a wide range of hate, I felt enlightened by the fact that they were trying to get a rise out of me. The truth is, I am a critical perfectionist. When I feel insecure, I have thought it all. Gut, truth is I'm not my "skinniest" right now. Flat ass, yeah I don't have a big huge ass, sorry all of the fat is in my gut and tits. Ling ling, yeah I'm Chinese great, I speak fluent Mandarin. Grandma, yeah I'm not the youngest tool in the shed, but I'd rather be wiser over younger. Rat dick breath, lol how would you know? but ok I like garlic and onions and even I can't stand it sometimes, one of the reasons I love being single. I don't have to worry about what you think of my breath. Hair loss, yeah I do loose a lot of hair but I still have a lot too, that has to say something. Buttery face, actually I purposefully made my face look "dewey", it's an Asian thing, but like I said, look at old Asians vs old white ppl, I'd go with Asian skin care philosophies any day. Ugly teeth, yeah I have really small teeth, and they have gaps, my dentist wanted my to get braces but my mom didn't want me to get braces because she didn't want me to be more unattractive. Ugly, yeah I was always an ugly baby, ppl would tell my mom I had nice hair. Awkward teenager, even now I'm weird as fuck and talk too much when I feel uncomfortable. Oh and I'm very defensive. I have an excuse for everything, and nothing is ever my fault.
A person told me I lacked self-respect for subjecting myself to the situation. I think I have a pretty good amount of self respect, I try my best to make a living doing what I like/want. If I do something, it's because I choose to. Perhaps I am also a masochist on top of being a sadist, but from my psychology point of view, I was simply self-inflicting "Flooding Therapy" to myself with the "hate" in order to toughen myself up to internet hate/trolling/cyber bullying so that I could be a stronger cam girl. Be a little quicker on my feet with witty rebuttals to combat the hate. Next time someone trolls me on cam, I won't take it so personally. They can't hurt me because I hurt myself. With this realization I realize perhaps it's because I've dealt with too much loss and pain, I just wanted.needed a distraction. No one is perfect. All I can do is try to be a better me each and every day.
Some said I asked for it by being in a bra and panties, but my reasoning, being in a bra and panties brings in a lot of people. Which by default brings in more awesome people, along with more trolls as well. Just because I am in a bra and panties, I feel like dancing, or hanging out, does that warrant for people to talk to me as if I am not a person? Is it ok to demand things from me when I am asking nothing in return? If a guy is in shorts on Periscope, he would not get reported for being too sexual but girls in bra and panties get removed for Periscope on a regular basis. On the other hand, because people wouldn't normally talk this way to a human being face to face, this might be an easier way to weed out the pricks, and find the needles in the haystack. All about perspective.
What was I trying to get out of it? I don't know. But I do know that I'm an introvert, socially awkward, a psych major, it was kind of a social psych experiment, on top of the "flooding therapy". Curiosity? I wanted to see what would transpire of all this, I wondered how things would take it's course. Maybe I needed to keep my mind occupied.
At the end of the day, my final thought: I wish for a future where people wouldn't bring each other down. Recognize negativity, envy, and hate before they manifest. I am not always positive, I too have been guilty of being a "mean girl", the past is the past. We can't change that, but we can control our future, so I always remind myself:
Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words.
Keep your words positive, because your words become your behavior.
Keep your behavior positive, because your behavior become your habits.
Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values.
Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny.
~Ghandi
Just try to be the best you. Spread positivity like an infectious virus.
A person told me I lacked self-respect for subjecting myself to the situation. I think I have a pretty good amount of self respect, I try my best to make a living doing what I like/want. If I do something, it's because I choose to. Perhaps I am also a masochist on top of being a sadist, but from my psychology point of view, I was simply self-inflicting "Flooding Therapy" to myself with the "hate" in order to toughen myself up to internet hate/trolling/cyber bullying so that I could be a stronger cam girl. Be a little quicker on my feet with witty rebuttals to combat the hate. Next time someone trolls me on cam, I won't take it so personally. They can't hurt me because I hurt myself. With this realization I realize perhaps it's because I've dealt with too much loss and pain, I just wanted.needed a distraction. No one is perfect. All I can do is try to be a better me each and every day.
Some said I asked for it by being in a bra and panties, but my reasoning, being in a bra and panties brings in a lot of people. Which by default brings in more awesome people, along with more trolls as well. Just because I am in a bra and panties, I feel like dancing, or hanging out, does that warrant for people to talk to me as if I am not a person? Is it ok to demand things from me when I am asking nothing in return? If a guy is in shorts on Periscope, he would not get reported for being too sexual but girls in bra and panties get removed for Periscope on a regular basis. On the other hand, because people wouldn't normally talk this way to a human being face to face, this might be an easier way to weed out the pricks, and find the needles in the haystack. All about perspective.
What was I trying to get out of it? I don't know. But I do know that I'm an introvert, socially awkward, a psych major, it was kind of a social psych experiment, on top of the "flooding therapy". Curiosity? I wanted to see what would transpire of all this, I wondered how things would take it's course. Maybe I needed to keep my mind occupied.
At the end of the day, my final thought: I wish for a future where people wouldn't bring each other down. Recognize negativity, envy, and hate before they manifest. I am not always positive, I too have been guilty of being a "mean girl", the past is the past. We can't change that, but we can control our future, so I always remind myself:
Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words.
Keep your words positive, because your words become your behavior.
Keep your behavior positive, because your behavior become your habits.
Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values.
Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny.
~Ghandi
Just try to be the best you. Spread positivity like an infectious virus.
Friday, January 15, 2016
Disconnected
I watched this movie on vimeo. https://vimeo.com/ondemand/camgirlz/116898306
1). I love the positive light it sheds on cam girls and the industry.
But I couldn't help but feel sad because I prefer to be a non-nude model. I admire girls who get naked, because my admiration is built on knowing that I myself can't do it. I adore girls who can be successful being non-nude or "tease" models because I haven't found a way for myself to be successful at it. I have no "envy" for them, because the term envy means you wish to have their success as well as for them NOT to have it. I've never felt envious because I'm not a petty person. In fact, I am INSPIRED by the success of others because I want to find the same success by being myself. Every person is different, no one can truly replicate or "copy" another, nor can they actively take anything away from a successful person (not unless you dedicate your life to it but seriously which sane person is fixated enough to do that?).
After watching the movie, my desire to make being a non-nude model work for me, made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I am aware that I am a sex worker in the adult industry.
Why can't I just suck it up and "show my body" as most freeloading pervs would suggest, because I know that I can't do it. I've tried it. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that ANYONE can see me. I don't believe that my naked body should be on display for anyone to see at any time. I want to find regulars in my room who like ME and not because they enjoy how I look like naked. I don't want to feel objectified by people that like me nude without even liking me as a person. With the recent addition of selling videos on manyvids, people ask why I charge so much, well it's my way of trying to control my content and limit it to people who LIKE me enough to WANT to pay what I charge. I believe nudity should be a mystery. Am I a prude if I don't want my body to be on display for everyone and anyone, even those who might not want to see it?
I realize that having anyone see you naked as a cam girl who gets naked, is an occupational hazard. Perhaps if I had realized this prior to starting camming, I might not have started. But this brings to me to just how I got started and why I've kept going:
I first heard about camming in college where an ex told me a girl gets paid a buck a minute to masturbate. I thought to myself, hell I masturbate at least 1-2x when I wake and before bed. If I could get paid to do something I normally do, hell that would make a great supplement even if I had a regular job. I started camming after college.
My first night on cam, I put on a school girl outfit cuz that was my fetish at the time, I put on my fake glasses to supplement the outfit, saw my room was kind of dim, added a spotlight, smoked a bowl and stared broadcasting a little after midnight from my parents house. On that site, it was non-nude public and privates were where you get paid. No tips, all $ was earned through privates. After a couple of nude privates, there was a guy who seduced me into masturbating and having an orgasm. Getting paid to orgasm how I wanted... I was hooked. I logged off about 4hrs later after making a little over $80 (I started with a studio, made 16-20% of every dollar spent). I had never felt more empowered because I felt in control and I made money from it.
Despite how people could spy on privates, I opted not to have spies, which un-like MFC, the customers on the other site paid the same for privates whether I allowed spies or not. For me, I would rather make less to be in private with 1 person and not have spies, than to have people spy on me who I didn't agree to get naked for. That way I felt like I was in control because I always got naked in real time for 1 person at a time, at my own discretion and pace.
It wasn't my intention to solely rely on camming for income but making $10/hr at my other job, my time was better spent on cam.
I switched to MFC because the other site I was on changed their rules, the tipping and nude public shows started and I decided if that site was going to copy MFC, I might as well join the origin vs be on a copy cat site. So I tried doing public shows on MFC. I had to get so drunk to cope with the fact that so many people were watching me do explicit shows because I no longer felt in control. When I realized that there were successful non-nude models on MFC, I truly believe they saved my life, because I probably would have died of alcohol poisoning if it weren't for the inspiring non-nude models that set the precedent, and made themselves such fine examples for other models. Till this day, I am thankful for all the different successful non-nude models that just do their own thing.
I constantly wish I could just change how I feel and show myself because I struggle so much with my silent "boring" room where people don't talk to me. When I log into my public chat room, my social awkwardness is in full swing because I don't know how to start conversations with strangers either. I used to have more connections with people. Now I feel like I don't know very many people at all. I know how to talk to my old "regulars" if they are ever in my room, but most of the people on my friends list just don't visit my room anymore. People that meet me tell me I'm happier in person, but that comment comes from judging me by the flow of my public chatroom. I just don't think my public chatroom is an accurate representation of me nor my personality. So I'm trying to combat preconceived notions that my room is "boring" by trying to be seductive, having fun by dancing to music I love, or even just talking to the cam as if I'm telling a friend about my day/myself/life, but rarely does someone respond. I've banned so many people because I'm frustrated, and now people think I'm a bitch. But really I'm just so sick of trying, seeing the same names in my room sit and them being silent.
The lack of connections is making me hurt from the inside out. I'm not sure where to go from here. All I know is, I'm looking forward to seeing some of my favorite models in Vegas. Hopefully being around other cam models will make me feel less isolated.
1). I love the positive light it sheds on cam girls and the industry.
But I couldn't help but feel sad because I prefer to be a non-nude model. I admire girls who get naked, because my admiration is built on knowing that I myself can't do it. I adore girls who can be successful being non-nude or "tease" models because I haven't found a way for myself to be successful at it. I have no "envy" for them, because the term envy means you wish to have their success as well as for them NOT to have it. I've never felt envious because I'm not a petty person. In fact, I am INSPIRED by the success of others because I want to find the same success by being myself. Every person is different, no one can truly replicate or "copy" another, nor can they actively take anything away from a successful person (not unless you dedicate your life to it but seriously which sane person is fixated enough to do that?).
After watching the movie, my desire to make being a non-nude model work for me, made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I am aware that I am a sex worker in the adult industry.
Why can't I just suck it up and "show my body" as most freeloading pervs would suggest, because I know that I can't do it. I've tried it. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that ANYONE can see me. I don't believe that my naked body should be on display for anyone to see at any time. I want to find regulars in my room who like ME and not because they enjoy how I look like naked. I don't want to feel objectified by people that like me nude without even liking me as a person. With the recent addition of selling videos on manyvids, people ask why I charge so much, well it's my way of trying to control my content and limit it to people who LIKE me enough to WANT to pay what I charge. I believe nudity should be a mystery. Am I a prude if I don't want my body to be on display for everyone and anyone, even those who might not want to see it?
I realize that having anyone see you naked as a cam girl who gets naked, is an occupational hazard. Perhaps if I had realized this prior to starting camming, I might not have started. But this brings to me to just how I got started and why I've kept going:
I first heard about camming in college where an ex told me a girl gets paid a buck a minute to masturbate. I thought to myself, hell I masturbate at least 1-2x when I wake and before bed. If I could get paid to do something I normally do, hell that would make a great supplement even if I had a regular job. I started camming after college.
My first night on cam, I put on a school girl outfit cuz that was my fetish at the time, I put on my fake glasses to supplement the outfit, saw my room was kind of dim, added a spotlight, smoked a bowl and stared broadcasting a little after midnight from my parents house. On that site, it was non-nude public and privates were where you get paid. No tips, all $ was earned through privates. After a couple of nude privates, there was a guy who seduced me into masturbating and having an orgasm. Getting paid to orgasm how I wanted... I was hooked. I logged off about 4hrs later after making a little over $80 (I started with a studio, made 16-20% of every dollar spent). I had never felt more empowered because I felt in control and I made money from it.
Despite how people could spy on privates, I opted not to have spies, which un-like MFC, the customers on the other site paid the same for privates whether I allowed spies or not. For me, I would rather make less to be in private with 1 person and not have spies, than to have people spy on me who I didn't agree to get naked for. That way I felt like I was in control because I always got naked in real time for 1 person at a time, at my own discretion and pace.
It wasn't my intention to solely rely on camming for income but making $10/hr at my other job, my time was better spent on cam.
I switched to MFC because the other site I was on changed their rules, the tipping and nude public shows started and I decided if that site was going to copy MFC, I might as well join the origin vs be on a copy cat site. So I tried doing public shows on MFC. I had to get so drunk to cope with the fact that so many people were watching me do explicit shows because I no longer felt in control. When I realized that there were successful non-nude models on MFC, I truly believe they saved my life, because I probably would have died of alcohol poisoning if it weren't for the inspiring non-nude models that set the precedent, and made themselves such fine examples for other models. Till this day, I am thankful for all the different successful non-nude models that just do their own thing.
I constantly wish I could just change how I feel and show myself because I struggle so much with my silent "boring" room where people don't talk to me. When I log into my public chat room, my social awkwardness is in full swing because I don't know how to start conversations with strangers either. I used to have more connections with people. Now I feel like I don't know very many people at all. I know how to talk to my old "regulars" if they are ever in my room, but most of the people on my friends list just don't visit my room anymore. People that meet me tell me I'm happier in person, but that comment comes from judging me by the flow of my public chatroom. I just don't think my public chatroom is an accurate representation of me nor my personality. So I'm trying to combat preconceived notions that my room is "boring" by trying to be seductive, having fun by dancing to music I love, or even just talking to the cam as if I'm telling a friend about my day/myself/life, but rarely does someone respond. I've banned so many people because I'm frustrated, and now people think I'm a bitch. But really I'm just so sick of trying, seeing the same names in my room sit and them being silent.
The lack of connections is making me hurt from the inside out. I'm not sure where to go from here. All I know is, I'm looking forward to seeing some of my favorite models in Vegas. Hopefully being around other cam models will make me feel less isolated.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Monday, March 30, 2015
Art Shop:
I love how I can bring all my loves and passions to one place here. There's the edgy punk rock ties for men and women. There are necklaces with little bottles filled with flowers and lavender oil that are super feminine. Rave Kandi remind me of being a kid. The keychains are a tribute to my grandpa and the bell on his keychain. The map art represent my passion of traveling and the different places I've been. There's art to show my love of the Beatles, bridges, aerial, motorcycles, Disney, a lot of Disney things because I grew up loving Disney (Snow White & Aladdin VHS was my first Christmas present). There are things to reflect my favorite sports teams- more Lakers things are in the works. People that are or have been apart of my heart influence my art, and they can be seen in my work.
I have a masculine and a feminine side that compliment and conflict with one another. I am a young child and a grown woman trying to take on the world one day at a time. In my life, there are so many people and things in my heart- I could not focus on one. My shop is starting to be the clearest reflection of me and the life I have lived and loved.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/AbandonedByBubs
I have a masculine and a feminine side that compliment and conflict with one another. I am a young child and a grown woman trying to take on the world one day at a time. In my life, there are so many people and things in my heart- I could not focus on one. My shop is starting to be the clearest reflection of me and the life I have lived and loved.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/AbandonedByBubs
Friday, January 31, 2014
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