I was first enlightened by it a few days ago after the action of chewing my cuticles off:
When I was 2yrs old, my mom left me with my dad & maternal grandparents+uncle to go to Canada. My dad left me with my grandparents & uncle shortly after, probably around age 3-4. My uncle left for Canada, around when I was 4-5yrs old. When I was 7yrs old, I left my grandparents to move to Canada with my mom and uncle. When I was 14yrs old my mom told me, "Men cheat. It doesn't matter if they do it or not, they all think about it". Then most recently my mom got a divorce from my step dad that I've known for 14yrs because he cheated on her repeatedly. I have had so many people be in my life and then leave me, from friends to lovers, even family.
This has caused me to fear people. I fear letting them in because I fear once I do, they will leave me. So, it takes a while for people to earn their trust with me. Once I care, and I do trust, and someone leaves me. It feels like my heart is being ripped out, the act of me letting them in was meaningless and trivial. I am cautious and
en garde when it comes to others, and insecure when it comes to myself. When people don't stick around, I blame myself for being inadequate.
My past, and my issues with my past is heavily evident when it comes to me and being on cam. I am emotionally attached to people that I feel are "dependable" because I've enjoyed talking to them 1 on 1 in privates (yes I know that part sounds shallow, but I am a "cam girl", this is what I do to put the roof over my head and feed myself), and I've gotten to know them and trust them. Don't get my wrong, there has been a lot of guys in the past who threw money at me but I was not emotionally attached to them because I knew they didn't care about me, so I made sure not to care in return. Few of my past "high tippers" are banned because they made me feel uncomfortable. But when a "regular" guy I care about, stops being "regular", yes, it hits financially. But that will change, there will be other guys that will take their place. But the emotional pain is impossible to fix, because a person that I care about is no longer apart of my life. I see some of those guys on everyday, and I never see them in my room nor get a PM from them because they are probably in another girl's room.
The second thing that hurts me about being on cam is, seeing the people that I have had one a private with once over 6 months to a year ago, go in and out of my room MULTIPLE times a day. I am insulted by this because they don't even bother to say hi or talk to me. They make me feel like they are only interested in the most shallow layer.
These personal issues I have, and what I am experiencing on cam is making me extremely anxious, stressed, and depressed. I understand that I cam, and that there will always be a crap load of guys who private solely just to see a girl naked. Hence, I now only accept privates from guys on my friends list. That will also help me keep track of who I've done privates with and be able to get to know guys on a more personal level. There will also be guys who seem like they love you, for a while, but then they leave or find another girl to replace you.
I really need to get past these "abandonment" issues so that I can move forward in my personal life and on cam. I feel like this preconceived notion or fear, is holding me back from letting people get to know me. I fear being myself, because I'm afraid that I'm not good enough and that people will leave me. I say that I have accepted that not everyone will like me but in all honesty, I have not. So I try to assimilate, I try to please people, so that they will like/love me, and stay. But I don't really know which direction I am heading.
I don't know how to see myself clearly, nor see what others see, because I can't be objective with myself. To me the facts are: people come in and out of my life. I then come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me. The only person that is static is my mom and she hasn't always been. I've withdrawn socially in my physical or "real" life, I am withdrawn on cam as well.
I just really need to start seeing facts about ME and not behaving according to the facts of how people react TO me.
Why I am sharing this now:
Since the end of August last year. I went to China in September 2011, to visit my grandpa for his birthday, because I promised him that I would. When I came back from China, I was horrifically depressed, unmotivated, and on top of that I got an IUD. I could barely cam for nearly 3 months. With all the time on my hands, around the end of October, I decided I was in the right place in my life to date again. Well the moment I decided I was open to it. I choose to pursue a guy who I hooked up a few times before. The most recently, my birthday back in 2011.
So many things happened and changed since then, to me and within me. I had trust issues due to family situations, so I was always afraid to date. This guy I liked also had similar family/trust issues, so I assumed that's why he never wanted to be in a relationship. I finally decided to tell him I had a crush on him, and asked if he wanted to try to be in a relationship with me, and he pushed off the answer to my question for nearly a month. While I was waiting for (let's call him Douchebag #1, of this current story) his response, I started talking to another guy (who I met shortly after meeting Douchebag #1 a couple of years ago). Nothing ever happened between me and this guy because I was already emotionally attached to Douchebag #1. I am very emotionally and physically monogamous even if there isn't much of a sexual relationship. It turned out Douchebag #1 did not want to be in a relationship. So once Douchebag #1 told me that, I basically redirected my attention to this other guy, who was very cute... was originally local, but currently in Dubai .
Since I was going to England in the end of December, this guy convinced me to visit him after I went to England because I've never been there, nor will I go if it weren't for another person's influence. So what the Hell. Things went ok, we had a great connection but a lot of random mishaps happened.
By January, I had my IUD removed and my body recovered pretty quick, and things kind of went back to the way they were before I went to China in September. Then I got news of my grandpa having bloody stool, which is an indication of colon cancer. I have never known a person who died that I personally knew and loved. I did know someone who died of colon cancer, my step-dad's sister, who I never met. That was the only person I knew with colon cancer. My grandpa being the epitome of my perfect man, the thought of losing him scared me to pieces. It turned out to be colon cancer. Every member of my small family (my mom, uncle and I) flocked to his side as soon as we each could. As I result, I was not online for most of February.
After last August's attempt at the Top 20, I knew that I would try again in this April. So before going back to China to see my grandpa in February, I decided to openly voice my desire of being in the Top 20. I also did something against my stubborn independent nature, and I asked for help. That was something I never did growing up, I never asked for anything, material or otherwise.
I came back towards the end of Feb and for most of March my grandpa's surgery for the cancer in his colon was pending on a day to day basis due to a lung infection. During this time, the guy in Dubai came home to visit his family and friends. I tried to distract myself from the stress and anxiety of my grandpa's pending situation. I spent a lot of this with this guy and he introduced me to all of them. Towards the end of the month, he told me, he would never want his kids to have a mom that does/did what I do, and have them find videos of me on the internet. He said he thought I was inherently lazy and that I have no direction in life. So now he becomes, Douchebag #2. It could be true from one's perspective, who doesn't necessarily understand all the circumstances, so it really hurt me. I thought the situation was circumstantial. Yes, I may seem lazy, but I'm really indecisive, so I spend most of my time trying to
decide what to do. I've literally sat around for hours trying to
figure out what I want to eat. Don't ask me how or why I can do that, all I know is that I have done it before. Which ties into the not knowing what to do with my life thing too (to my defense, haha). This guy left towards the end of March.
On Saturday, March 31st, my mom called my grandma and grandpa's caretaker to find out that he is IN SURGERY, ON A SUNDAY in China. I was a wreck, but I set goal in August. I tediously brainstormed and tried to plan for each day, week, as well as month in all. Amid all this chaos, I sought stability on cam. I planned for my goal in April, I decided to focus on the plan. With the help of so many special people, I had my best month on MFC. I was thrilled with that achievement, but unfortunately, I spent much of my paycheck on cam related things and I did not obtain my goal. Despite having the best month on paper, in reality, it was nowhere near it. The combination of the two, made me regret some of my choices in April.
Meanwhile my grandpa is recovering from surgery, but not well because he's not eating, not being fed well and losing a lot of weight despite being to thin and frail before the surgery. My grandma refuses to buy him food that he asks for, while feeding him "vitamins" that cost 36 RMB a day. That costs way more than the damn strawberries my grandpa asked for, and the 12RMB dish my mom asked my grandma to get for my grandpa. He's just not eating the repetitive nutrition-less food he is given. I feel strained and torn because my heart and mind are in two different places, while my flesh can only be in one.
In May, I was contacted by Douchebag #1, asking me to hang out. While we hung out, he started to flirt with me, and said some things that suggested he might have changed his mind about not wanting a relationship with me. I hung out with him a second time, and I realized his intentions had not changed. I confessed to him I always had feeling for him even though we agreed to hook up without "strings". He admitted to me he never had feelings for me.
Then just about a week ago, Douchebag #2 contacted me, wondering why I don't talk to him anymore. I pointed out to him that he was an utter jerk to me and he treated me like shit. He argued that he was a good guy, which I agreed to except he just wasn't good to me. Because he was compliant with the statement I made about him being a mean to me, where he's been amazing to others, made me feel like I was inadequate.
Meanwhile, May and June have been extremely tough for me on cam. I have to be on for financial reasons. I am in debt, but I know how much I make depends on how much time I put on cam, no matter how little I make per hour. As a result, I put a lot of pressure on myself, which stresses me out to the extent that I feel like there is a lump in my chest and I can't breathe. I feel like I am suffocating. In terms of $/hour, I've never done as poorly as than I did in May and June. Not EVER on MFC. A LOT of guys dropped off the grid, while a solid handful just stopped coming into my room when they are online.
These last two months have really hit hard because they hit the nerves of my abandonment issues. I am burdened with a complex family dilemma, dealing with the rejection of two guys, the feeling of failure from not being able to reach a personal goal, and feeling inadequate and abandoned on cam. Those family stresses lightening up a tiny bit but leading to many new stresses. Followed by a gut-wrenching months. I'm still digging myself into more debt. Which is still mind-blowing and astonishing to me after the "month" I "had" in April. I am extremely anxious, stressed, and completely on edge every moment of the day.
Meanwhile, I am trying to not beat myself up over everything and let it hurt me. I've been exploring within myself, to show more inner layers, and do other things on cam while saying true to my beliefs. It's extremely difficult and challenging but no matter what, this is good for me. Slow and steady wins the race. Be
fore another Top 20 attempt in August, I'm giving myself a week off at the end of July, and really looking forward to it.
In August, my goal is to be in the Top 10. I realized I am falling short of my Top 20 attempt each time because my goal is to simply make it at 20th. I need to push myself by aiming higher. That way if I fall short I will be closer to my goal.
