Christmas:

My first Christmas as a camgirl, I was fighting with my mom so I worked on Christmas. From then on, working on Christmas just became a thing.

Today will be my 7th Christmas on cam.

This year, my mom wanted to buy me a winter coat, my reply was get me a gift card for groceries because I'm a starving artist. Instead, she didn't get me anything. Nothing from my uncle. Nothing from members I know. I just treasure RedChasten and her members that came into my room to wish me Merry Christmas the other day, I'm not sure they know just how much that meant to me.

But to be honest, I didn't expect anything, and that is the reason I didn't even bother begging for anything. If people rarely tip when I'm working, I don't expect them to want to buy me anything for the holidays either.

I honestly just don't really like Christmas. I don't like how it forces people to get each other things, and then the lack of presents makes a person feel bad. What is the point of gifting? My favorite day of the year is Thanksgiving.

To me Christmas is just another day of the year, a day where there are less girls online and guys have a better chance at discovering me. That is my gift on Christmas.

I'm grateful for the people who thought about me and wished me Merry Christmas via Twitter and text.

I woke up to one text message, in caps filled with the enthusiasm of a child, and it was the only one I wanted to see. I can't ask for more.

I'm going to make the most of today and get ready for my Christmas camathon with zero expectations so I don't get my hopes up and get disappointed. That's kind of been my motto since I was a kid.

Grief:

I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream that I don't recall, except this quote,

"We often try to find meaning in death, where instead we should look for meaning in life." 

I took this to mean, sometimes people die and we wonder why, but instead we should look for the meaning of the life they lived.

In the beginning of this year, my mom's best friend's daughter took her own life. This tragedy was followed by the passing of my childhood best friend's mom from cancer. I was in a severe state of depression because I kept wondering "why"? Why do good people have to die so early?

This quote made me realize that I shouldn't dwell on why they died, but why they lived. I should focus on the impact they had when they were alive.

Focus on the legacy they leave behind, and remember to live my own life with meaning.

Some wonder what is the meaning of life? The way Stephen Hawking explains it is, it is unique to our species that we even ponder on the question "why". The meaning of life, is what we give it.

I feel my life has meaning from the human connections that I formed and I have formed the most unique and profound connections through my job as a camgirl because I have found people who are like minded. People who are nerds, intellectual, and perverted.

Thank you for being in my life and giving my life meaning.

Alcohol:

I've been under so much stress, trying to not let it show on cam by binge drinking. It was a few times a week, grew to a daily basis, then most recently twice a day, for both my morning and night shift on cam.

I didn't drink yesterday and I just started having the worst headache this morning. I thought it was a migraine so I tried to masturbate. It didn't work. I tried to eat some food, thought perhaps maybe I'm famished. I tried to take a nap, 2 hours later it still didn't work. I tried drinking water nope. I then decided to take some alka seltzer.

Then it daunted on me that there's a possibility I'm withdrawing from all the drinking. I then remembered that I've had this headache before. Yup, after long periods of heavy drinking, even a day off will cause a headache on the right side of my head.

So here's my problem: I simply treasure the fact that I am an alcoholic.

I know it's really fucked up but my favorite person in the whole world was an alcoholic, and alcoholism is genetic. I feel it's a trait I get from my grandpa, when I drink, I feel like I'm closer to him.

I know alcoholism is very serious, withdrawal from alcohol is almost as bad as heroin. I should have more self control because I studied psychology in college, my area of concentration was neuropsychology where a lot of my classes were in substances and substance abuse.

It's just hard to even consider decreasing my alcohol intake right now because of how much I'm struggling and the fact that I accept tokens for shots. Drinking in a way has become a source of income.

I am aware that I'm a shit mess but I don't really have much motivation to not drink. It's my creative lube, my social lube, and what warms my cold cold heart.

I don't even know why I'm writing this post except maybe to just admit that I know I have a problem, but I don't quite know how to tackle it.

Cam Friends:

So the other day, I had about 135ppl in my room for a decent amount of time, yet I was at 15tkns for the hour. I messaged a model friend of mine, Christy_love and I asked her for advice on how to urge guys to tip in public chat.

Admittedly, I had her premium account banned for life because I'm an impatient cunt like that.

So after having her unbanned, she came in to give me some great advice.

I just wanted to say that I am really thankful to have co-workers who I know I can go to for help and they will be kind and try to help me because I am not one to ask for help. I pride myself around my independence but I think sometimes we have to admit when we do need help.

RedChasten came into my room the other day, tipped me, and the next thing I know, guys were tipping me because she had told them to, with a PM from her that said "Merry Christmas from my room". I felt so torn. I love Red because she has such a big heart but I was sad that I didn't know anyone in my room that could return that love for me, nor am I in the position to return the favor in terms of tokens. Which just makes me feel Hell bent on trying to spoil her back when I do get a chance to see her. Hopefully that will be Vegas, but my attendance is undecided at the moment. I am just not sure I can actually afford the flight. I simply don't have any more room on my credit cards. I know, I'm a shit mess in the finance department.

JennyBlighe I've known for a few years now. She never really ceases to blow my mind. Her beauty but grace, that woman is a fucking class act. She's kind, unselfish and someone who simply treats me the way a friend does. She looks out for me and she's got my back. She is one of few models I know, where I felt that I could ask her for help and she wasn't going to look down on me for it and judge me by something as artificial as "camscore". I appreciate having her in my life so much, I will always do the same for her out of the respect that I have her.

AAPL_ who was the first model to ask me to be her AVN roomie all the way back in SEPTEMBER!! I admire her so much for everything that she has going on, her creativity, for being so well balanced. Her generosity and spirit is something I treasure so much. When I told her about my issue with a top member threatening to roofie and rape me, she asked me to visit her simply so that I can have company, and I'm not alone. I appreciate that so much.

WildeSky has such a big heart. I wish the world for her. I also spent a lot of time with her this year, she even had her room come into my room to wish me a happy birthday earlier this year. It simply made my day.

The new models I've met this year that I felt a kindness from: Saffron who I met in Chicago, but in Jersey, I was feeling so so so insecure, on the brink of tears (admittedly drunk as well), took time out of her day at the expo to hug me and talk to me to try to lift up my spirits. She's just so empathetic even via Twitter, I feel like it keeps me going.

AvianaRose is very new as a model, but she's the only person I know on my snapchat that actively talks to me through it and comments on my snaps. I'm not sure she knows just how encouraging her compliments are to me.

AmberVixx I met recently as well, but heart man heart. It is so refreshing. I'm not sure how, but I just feel so heavily when people have a big heart and it is so transparent.

Having a big heart is probably the purest, simplest form of being an authentic person. A person that is not fake, a person who is completely themselves. 

ALL of the connections I have made from being a cam girl keeps me going because their hearts have touched mine.

I almost feel like I could go on and on about all the models I trust to call my friends. Girls who are self-less, kind, supportive and loyal. I love the people I've met from my job as a cam girl. I appreciate having a job where I want to work on a daily basis, not everyone can say that about what they do for a living.

People are lame if they think I would ever double cross my friends, or think that they can talk shit without it getting back to the person they are talking about. I feel people are insulting my intelligence when they are being two-faced and think I am clueless.

Anyway, I just want to say thank you, thank you for being in life. My heart is filled with so much joy when I stop and count my blessings.

P.S. I want to wife BabeVonDetta so I'm not going to tell you how badass she is...

How I Met Your Mother:

This has to be one of my favorite TV shows of all time.

I love it because I originally related to Ted growing up (this hopeless romantic on the search for true love) but as the show progressed, I got older and more jaded, I knew I was Robin.

A girl who's family wished she was a boy, one that was raised with the mentality that she was as strong as a boy. Someone who loved her independence and to travel the world, not to mention dogs, scotch, and guns, while being a Canadian.

I love this show because *spoiler alert* the show from the very first episode till the very last was always about her.

It's a show that tells a story about love and finding love, and the fact that we don't have to have one true love in our life, but we can have many. Not only can we have more than one, sometimes a relationship may not work in the moment but it doesn't mean that it will never work down the line.

I simply love the fact that Ted has always envisioned kids, Robin can't have kids. That in itself is perfect because they got everything out of life that they wanted and still ended up together. Ted got the family and kids he wanted. Robin got the life she wanted traveling the world reporting the news. At the end of it all, they lived the life that they wanted, and they also got the person they wanted to grow old together.

This story will never make me not cry. I've watched this series more than a handful of times and it will never get old, just like The Princess Bride because a story about true love never gets old.

A lot of HIMYM fans hate on this ending because of the title of the show "How I Met Your MOTHER" but really they are not seeing it for what the story is saying, the grand plan of it being about the fact that love can exist but it might not work until another time and place. The fact that the kids were filmed saying the lines that they did 9yrs prior to the end date, showed how they always wanted the show to end the way it did. It wasn't an ending that they came up with mid-series.

As I revisit all my favorite movies and shows, I am noticing a common theme of "true love". Charmed, The Princess Bride, How to Steal a Million, How I Met Your Mother...

I'm not sure I ever noticed how my favorite viewings had the theme of love.

Maybe this is my heart's way of reminding my brain why love is kind and it is patient.

And ultimately it is a reminder to never ever give up on love, and finding true love.

Dream:

So I'm told that dreams reveal our hearts desire.

Well I had a dream that about a guy replying to the text message that I sent before I fell asleep, and in that dream he also commented on my twitter and blog. I then briefly woke up, fell back to sleep, yet I was under the impression that it truly happened because I had woken up. How very odd. I don't quite understand that part.

Another thing I remember about the dream that actually did make sense, "If I don't try to do things that make me uncomfortable, how will I ever grow as a person?"

I'm watching "How to Steal a Million" before I get on cam, a model on twitter commented that "Breakfast at Tiffany's" was her favorite but the only thing is, that movie bothers me because there's a quote that hits too close to home:

“You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing,' and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”

I know I've built this cage for myself, to keep me safe, protected. But it cowardice. I am being a fucking coward. 

"Optimism is the foundation of courage." 

I need to be a little more optimistic, so that I can be brave and find the courage to be a stronger person. 

Bans:

Bans not personal because I don't actually know you as a person, so don't get your panties all in a bunch and get all butt hurt over it. There are thousands and thousands of models online. Find one that you will be kind to.

I ban people who are in my room and don't talk to me or are idle in my room because they make me feel like an object of desire instead of a human being. This is the main reason I ban, especially when I call someone out, say hi and I get no response, I will ban you and maybe for life. Please remember that I am a person and I came online for the social interaction.

I ban people who talk yet make me feel like a piece of meat because I want people to like me not just for my looks but for me as a person.

I also ban people when I am unable to talk to understand them, as in we simply don't see eye to eye. Again, this is my problem not yours.

I ban PM viewers because they do not contribute to the livelihood of my chatroom, therefore my happiness on cam.

I ban people with tokens who sit idly in my room and don't tip me because they have already given MFC their money, yet their actions tell me I'm not worth anything. Again, they are not supporting my livelihood on cam.

Sometimes the bans are not about not talking to me, nor not tipping me, it's simply the fact that looking at your screen name makes me feel bad about myself, and if I don't have to look at your screen name, I won't feel bad.

I have also banned members certain who use my room as a rest stop when their favorite models are not on cam.

I ban people who don't spend money on MFC because they don't contribute to the livelihood of the website that puts the roof over my head.

My views on banning are extremely harsh and terribly different than most models, and you may think I am a cunt but I just don't care because I care about my own happiness. That is why I ban, and ban so many people because I'm all about quality and not quantity.

What makes me happy and keeps you from getting banned? Try taking interest in me as a person. Ask me meaningful questions about myself, my views. Don't just tip for tits and ask if I will meet up with you. That makes me feel like shit. The way men lust for me on cam disgusts me because it makes me feel like an object that is perishable and replaceable. This isn't to say that I am not sexual or lust is bad. I am just saying that I don't like it when people purely lust after me because I am trying to create an environment where people like me as a person and we can have a decent substantial conversation with each other.

I do understand that I work on a sex site that entertains the lust of people. But you have to remember that I work for myself. I live for myself, and this is what I want.

I want a following that appreciates me as a person, and not just how I look naked because I think I look awesome naked. To have people like me just for my nudity would be too easy.

You can tip 1001tkns with Un-ban in the tip note. ATTN: If you are ignored, I wont be able to see your tip when I'm online, only in the form of offline tips/tip notes.