Cleanse:

A week with mom's cooking and then Vegas... my body is in dire need of detox and a cleanse.

A friend of mine just got done with a 7 day master cleanse. Though it might have been a good idea prior to Vegas, I was with mom, then I would have had to ease out of it and gradually go back to solid food. Which wouldn't have been the smartest thing when I knew there was going to be a lot of drinking in Vegas.

Now that I'm home, I was feeling icky and bloated. Icky in the way I am after a lot of conventions. I assume it's from the sheer amount of people that my immune system is not used to coming in contact with normally. Bloated in the sense that I was eating to drink, but I was eating things my body is not used to eating.

Before Vegas, I was on a strict diet, noodles for breakfast as my form of carbs, snacking on hard boiled eggs, and lots of protein from tuna, chicken, and beef, with lots and lots of water. One model commented that I lost a lot of weight. That's cool I guess.

My time spent with my mom was just full of rice, mmm rice. Mom's cooking is just so awesome.

Vegas was a bit of a blur and that was awesome.

But my body hates me.

As I am worried about jumping into a liquid diet, I decided to ease into it with something more feasible, soup in combination with the lemonade.

To put my it lightly, meeting someone who is into my kinks, it brought out the sadistic part of me I prefer to keep locked away. It's a part of me I have to try to suppress. I was starting to feel like I may not have the discipline to fight it because of how good it felt to let it out.

This cleanse is mainly about regaining my self control. Re-establishing my will power.

For how much I love food and eating, I feel like I'm about to get super grumpy. But I'm letting this be a test of strength.

Wish me luck!

Heart:

I don't want to say it's because I'm Chinese or Asian but I was raised, taught, and even pressured to use my head, use my brain, and do what's smart.

The first thing I aspired to be was an artist, my mom's response was, "Artists don't make money. You are going to starve to death".

I grew up believing that following my heart is irrational and I am afraid of it.

Even after college I felt conflicted because I was debating between law school and going to school for shoe design. I did neither because of how torn I felt by that conflict and battle of the rational brain vs irrational heart.

Being a camgirl makes me feel liberated. The privates I have done, feeling like I am in a safe place to express myself without judgement or the possibility of someone I know watching me in public chat, makes me feel not only adored for all of who I am, but honest and true to myself.

Someone once told me, "You know you are doing the right thing when your head and heart agree".

This job is one of the few choices I have made and keep making on behalf of how I feel: my heart. My head questions my decision from time to time, or sometimes all the time. but my heart is always been with camming.

To anyone else that can empathize with how I feel, I try to remind myself that "I sincerely doubt that people have regrets about following their heart."

I feel this way because I know I am an old soul. I've experienced more than many because of my desire and recklessness to explore. I have lost the only person in this world I knew for sure that loved me unconditionally. The love my grandpa had for me, the look in his eyes, I will spend my life to find it again and I'm grateful I had the courage to tell him that before he passed.

My mom is my role model because of her strength and independence. The things I have experienced in my life, they have conditioned me to be "strong when all is wrong". I think it's about time for me to trust my own strength. I tell myself to let some of my guards down so I can be open to new people without judging them based on the actions of others in my past because I know the amount of emotional pain I can endure.

There's been change because I have felt the change, but it's been hard to express until now.

I know I keep saying this but I am unable to achieve any of it without the tippers that have supported me financially because you enable me to keep on this path.

I love my tippers because I am starting to love myself, truly appreciate my life, and I couldn't have done this without you and your generosity. Thank you.

Enlightenment:

In my 6+yrs of camming, it's been a roller coster. I have felt completely ashamed, turned off and utterly disgusted with myself as a camgirl.

But 2016, the nightmares I've had to battle, I finally feel... secure.

Models have stepped forward to look out for me as a friend and not just a coworker.

I realized how my friends from camming (models, members, and those I've met through being in "the industry) understand me more than anyone I've ever met.

I feel like I am right where I need to be.

I feel... complete.

Recognizing I am part of a community that appreciates all of who I am as a person is the most liberated I have ever felt.

I'm starting to feel courageous enough to just be me, versus let people see what I want them to see. The self censoring is exhausting, it's not real.

As much as I have tried to show people my personality and quirks via having a non- nude public chat room, it's been really boring.

I'm not sure where this journey will take me, but I feel new. I not only feel like a new model, but I feel like a new person.

I need to give a shout out to the members who support me financially because without your financial support that keeps the roof over my head as you pay for my rent. I would have switched careers and I would be living a life where I am pretending to be someone I'm not.

2016 was difficult. It was painful. But the turmoil and conquests have made me stronger.

I hope you will stick around and keep supporting me so I can continue my path of self discovery in order to be the truest, most honest and sincere version of myself.

AVN:

I'm probably going to be writing a lot of AVN posts after things really start to settle in.

This was by far the most intense convention I've ever attended/worked. The sheer amount of models, emotions, ESTROGEN, love, SUPPORT, just so overwhelming in the best possible way.

I've always preferred to keep a low profile because to me, camming was my dirty little secret. I would go to conventions to desensitize myself from the craziness and get used to the idea that: "this is my reality".

In this last year, so much has changed. How I feel about my job, the confidence I feel because I just know the most like-minded people I know, I've met through camming.

Meeting girls like BabeVonDetta, RedChasten, and the other ladies I had on the MFC snap takeover was my way of recognizing their confidence and sharing how much they live and love their life as a camgirl.

This was the very first convention I went to where so many models saw me and knew who I was. I felt absolutely honored that ladies enjoyed the snap takeover because I had snap remorse after it. I feared it was too deep and not entertaining enough, but the response from the models I met was incredible.

I love not having to pretend like I am a good girl. I haven't broken out of the many layers of concealment because I'm an introvert and socially awkward but I am getting there.

I've enjoyed knowing how freaky I am, and keeping it all to myself while letting certain people experience bits and pieces through sexual experiences and private shows. But what I've shown lately... my sex kitten side, it feels right to let people see some of the things I've kept private.

I feel enlightened. I feel like myself. I feel happiest than I have ever and it's because of the people in my life that I've met through camming.

I understand that I can't do this alone. I can't do this without the love and support of members, models, and the people in my life that I simply adore.

Flashpoint:

"Accept the things you cannot change. Have the courage to change the things you can... and have the wisdom to know the difference."

I often try not to stress over the things that are out of my control because I know that the only thing I can control is myself. I wanted to be a psychologist, and was a psych major in college because I wanted to help people. But through seeing a therapist in college, I realized people can only change themselves. This realization discouraged me from that path of being a psychologist. From there, I was lost.

I like camming because I am in control.

It's really easy to be in control when it's just me, myself and I. But when others are involved, I don't know what happens to me; I have the tendency to lose myself.

When people start getting close to me, whether it's in my personal life or through camming. I start freaking out.

The only part of that equation I can control: is myself.

I need to be better disciplined in controlling my feelings. Control that feeling of anxiety that I get when I let my guards down because I need to realize how strong I am.

I've already lost the person I love the most in this world, and I survived. My grandpa was the only person in this world, who loved me unconditionally. It's taken me years to learn to live with that pain and for that I am stronger.

I can't control what others do. But I can control what I do. I try to look out for myself by protecting myself but I can't be like Holly Golightly and keep myself locked in a I built myself.

I can't control what people say to me, but I can control how I react and how it makes me feel.