The One I Lost "It" To:

Denver, in combination with my 6 year mfc cam anniversary, the sheer amount of awesome models, I'm just overwhelmed.

On a personal level, I stayed with a friend of mine. I've known my friend since I was 11, we had classes together in the 6th grade. We then went to different schools there after but we reconnected in high school. I volunteered then later worked for a chiropractor's office and his dad used to be one of the doctors there.

In my senior year of high school I went to prom with his friend, him and I hooked up, I was his first kiss at age 19. We dated, he was my date to my senior prom. We even went on a trip to SF with my mom. After we graduated, we ended up losing our virginities to each other.

When I decided to have sex with him, I just wanted to be 80 and not regret who I lost it to. Part of me tries to preserve our platonic relationship because I want to make sure it stays that way.

It sounds all sweet and romantic but this was all in the course of a few months. He went off to bootcamp, I went off to college. When he returned from bootcamp we broke up. It lasted 7months, bootcamp included.

I met my college bf while he was in bootcamp. Yeah, I cheated on him while he was away at bootcamp with the college guy. I'm ashamed of it but he says he's over it. I was with the college guy for nearly 4 years. Meanwhile, he started dating a mutual friend. He was with our friend for God knows how long but it was too long for their own good.

Him and I hooked up once after college, I was single, he was not. I was not aware. The fact that he cheated on our friend with me, was kind of one of those things that made me tell myself to never be with this guy... ever. Not sexually, not romantically, I mean EVER. Perhaps in a weird way, we're even, if one were to keep score but I try not to do so.

This was long ago, before camming. I'm pretty sure that fact that I cam is one of the reasons he would never want to be with me, but that's inconsequential because I know it'd never happen for me.

Anyway, mom adores him, he loves her too. They are friends on Facebook. Him and I talk, he checks in on me. We care for each other. But we have no desire to be with each other in a romantic way. Me personally, the sex was just ok. He's a great guy, just can't imagine being married to the guy.

During the weekend models would ask where I was staying, it was hard to say my friend, or my ex? If I said ex, they'd ask if we still fuck. No. No thank you. I don't want that dick at all. If I say it's my friend, I feel like it doesn't fully explain the situation either. Not sure why I felt like I needed to explain anything but I overshare when I feel awkward in social situations.

My friend/ex is currently very happy in his relationship. I'm so happy for him because I've never heard him talk about this girl the way he talks about others. Before he's always known they were not "the one".

So I met her pretty much almost the moment I arrived on Thursday, we went out to lunch. With the high altitude, I had 2 beers before leaving, 1 during lunch and I was wasted. I don't think I made a good impression because after lunch, he dropped me off and I didn't see him again until Saturday. He came back to shower and change.

Prior to me visiting, he told me how he's never stayed at her place because she doesn't let him. Now that I'm visiting, he's not home at all.

Sunday I saw him for about an hour, 2 tops, where he drove me around to aerial studios to pass out fliers. Then took off again. That was the last I saw of him. A person I've known for 2/3rd of my life, I see him for a mere few hours in 5 days.

I made him a pot of chicken and potatoes before I left but it was because I thought to myself, what would your mom do? She loves to feed him and she'd make him food. It always makes me feel like a proper guest to make feel for my hosts when I'm staying over at their place. Hopefully she didn't take it the wrong way.

I just hate how I caused him so much trouble. If I had known his gf was going to be so not ok with me staying there, I wouldn't have gone. I would have just skipped Denver. We've known each other for over 2 decades, dated for 7 months, 3 or 4 of which where he was not even there. There's absolutely no chance of us having sex. What's the big fucking deal?

Like I told him, we know what goes on between the two of us, and we both know we don't feel that way about each other. But I don't know what it's like to be her, how she might feel. I'm not even sure how I would feel if I were in her shoes. I just wish for his sake that she trusted him. She doesn't know me, but she knows him.

I guess I do to and I've always thought he was kind of a cheater. Not necessarily physical but he dates, has his gf and he always has a female best friend that the gf is always worried about. I had my insecurities with this one girl. My friend had it with another girl. Now this girl is insecure about someone else, besides me. So perhaps she's justified to feel insecure because he has the tendency to not be friends with his gfs. For example, he confides in his female friends but not his gf. He will put his chick friends before his gfs, so perhaps that's what I need to remember. Is how shitty it felt when he would run off to go take care of his crying friend who's bf was a dick.

He seems to be a lot better now than before. At least he's putting her feelings first by avoiding me. Still part of me feels bad. I wonder how much it had to do with me being an ex. I wonder if it had to do with the fact that I'm a camgirl and she doesn't want him around a "sex worker".

I tried to tell when we were alone that he talks about her differently than anyone he's ever dated, but I was kind of wasted off 3 beers and I don't think it came off the right way.

He's the only person on my speed dial that's not my mom nor uncle. There are 3 people on this Earth that I have on my favorites list in my phone. I think I'm just afraid to lose the only non-family member on that list.

Maybe the problem is I need to work on my personal relationships with others so that I have other meaningful friendships.

Just a rant about some personal things that bothered me about my Denver trip. I can't identify the emotion I feel from it and my confusion is adding to my birthday blues.