Kinks:

I started camming 8/3/10. I started on MFC 4/1/11, in fact I'm going to be spending my 6 year MFC cammiversary at Denver Exxxotica.

These last 6-7 years have mainly been about you, what you like and what you want from me.

Let me take some time to tell you about me because people rarely ask.

I love threesomes, I'm up to about 7 of them. 1 BGGG foursome, and attended a very upscale sex party. In fact I'm craving an orgy.

There's nothing more stimulating than the thought of satisfying a cock I like with my mouth, and having it cum down my throat. Morning BJs and road head are my two favorites. Followed by risky public BJs.

I consider the first kiss between two people who are mutually attracted to one another to be extremely arousing. The mystery of the unknown is completely intoxicating.

It's hot when someone lets me suck on their tongue. But perhaps I just like sucking in general.

I love straddling a hard-on in jeans.

I'm sadistic as fuck. I love to spank really hard, not with my hands, preferably a loop paddle or crop. Violet wands are so much fun, especially when the person is blindfolded. I'm a tease and I love to torture.

I can't help but bite, it might be from my love of vampires.

I've spent 5 days of my life working as a stripper, I hated it. I loved being topless on stage, but the small talk and lap dances were so weird.

I don't like to openly share my kinks because I prefer to keep it classy and mysterious.

I love to dress up and role play, daddy daughter is my favorite, it's ironic because I grew up without a dad.

I hate ice play but I love wax.

I love to tease with knives. I'm also attracted to people with scars from self inflicted wounds.

I love the smell of cologne on men. If I were blind, that might be all I need to get me to fuck.

I am shallow as hell, looks are important to me. I once opened a guy's cam, told him he was a panty dropper. He booked the next flight out and we fucked the day after. This makes me prone to fucking douchebags.

I sometimes need to be mentally aroused by someone who's hot and intellectual in order to want to fuck them.

I am a feminist and hate misogynistic men, but I do take pride in my cooking. It makes me feel feminine.

I've fucked 2 guys in the ass. 1 with a strap-on, one with a dildo. I did not get consent for the second one and that turns me on.

I feel lucky I was born a woman or else I wouldn't be able to get away with a lot of the things I do.

I love to be in control, sometimes my dom and sadistic side comes out when I'm drunk and I have the tendency to want to inflict a lot of pain.

In my 30+ years, I've always hated admitting that I occasionally do sub.

Sometimes I crave to be tied up, but to this date, I've only trusted one person to do it.

I like spanks on occasion, but it has to be even or else it drives me insane.

It's been years but I love to be choked during sex, but I've only had two people ever do so. I also like to choke but most of the time I can't bring myself to do it.

I love to knee and/or kick a guy in the balls, it makes me feel powerful. I do not want to do this to every man I know. Just to some. It really depends on the person to be honest.

I also like to back hand guys, especially when I'm drunk.

I once had a guy in my bunny mask lick my shoes, I got so fucking wet from that.

I want a beautiful innocent house with a dungeon.

I love to treat the person I want to the best of my ability. It makes me feel useful. For them, I will be my best self.

I treasure being the little spoon, it makes me feel safe and loved.

I enjoy watching, it's relaxing.

Trannys and drag queens turn me on because I love the beautiful face of a woman and the dick of a man. I am a pansexual.

Teacher-student role play turns me on too. In fact I had fantasies about my high school teachers and getting fucked on their desk. It's why I used to wear a lot of school girl like outfits in high school. Which is also the first thing I wore on cam: a school girl outfit.

Nurse, french maid, secretary, you name it, I probably love it.

Every naughty and/or bad thought I have is covered up with a giggle or smile. Sometimes I smile A LOT. That's when you know I'm up to no good.

I love androgynous or gender fluid women.

I love boobs, big, small, real, implants, I don't give up fuck as long as they are symmetrical.

I lust to attend a sex party with a cock on a leash.

I have the tendency to dig my nails into flesh when I am turned on and/or grip onto something when I'm cumming.

I love matching lingerie, bra, panties, and stockings.

I'm obsessed with lipstick and seeing my lipstick on people I like.

I love a man in uniform. Fuck me all day, every day.

I need to have multiple orgasms, one is never enough.

I love the thrill of sexual acts in public, not in front of people but the risk of getting caught always elevates my heart rate.

I'm insecure and possessive. If I like, I need to know it's mine. It's why I love obedient pets. They make me feel secure.

I love surprising someone I care about with a spontaneous sex acts because I'm easily bored and I need to keep things interesting for myself.

It is so arousing to have my toes sucked but I would never ask anyone to do it because it could be viewed as "gross".

I really don't like anal, yet I keep trying to like it. Definition of insanity.

I love a man on his knees, and even more when he begs.

I can be very hypocritical. But I don't mean to be, but it's an internal conflict of how I want to be seen and how I really am.

I love to seduce and be seduced.

I enjoy eating pussy because as they say in basketball, it's home court advantage.

My fantasies run wild at the sight of a collar on a person.

I love giving someone a good massage, it doesn't even have to be sexual. I just like making people feel good. But I hate being asked for a massage, it irritates the Hell out of me.

I love a combination of lace and leather, it's very symbolic of my personality.

In some aspects of my life, I am a creature of habit, but when it comes to sexual things, I can get bored very easily.

I love posing for photoshoots, it makes me feel sexy and desired.

I enjoy making a girl squirt for me.

I get super turned on when a cock is about to cum, the balls get tight, and the dick reaches is peak hardness.

Food is love. If I don't want to fuck you, I definitely don't want to feed you. If I want to feed you, I care, but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to fuck you. Ironic eh?

As much as I've shared, I love to keep things a mystery so there are still things I keep to myself because telling you would ruin the surprise. The knowledge of me keeping something others may like to myself makes me feel secure, in control and powerful. So no matter what, I will always have another trick up my sleeve.

Curious if I like something you do? Just tell me, or ask! I love discovering new kinks. I don't judge because there are very taboo things I'm into that I don't feel comfortable sharing. I find it all entertaining whether I'm into it or not.

When it comes to camming, I love to get paid to orgasm. I love roleplaying. I don't like public shows because I'm a people pleaser and I know not everyone likes the same thing. I do however love how personal privates are.

Cracking:

My mom called me and left a voicemail for me to call her back.

So I did.

She told me that she's moving to SF in March and I need to go back to LA before that to move my stuff from her garage.

In the time of a 10 minute phone call, I felt like my whole world came crashing down.

I've been trying to stay afloat in a boat that is leaking, struggling desperately to fill the leaks, and now I just feel like I'm drowning. I need help, and I don't even know where to begin.

I can't even begin to imagine taking time off of cam to go back yet again.

From now on, I'm bringing my A game, or else I won't be on cam.

Let's do this!

Cleanse:

A week with mom's cooking and then Vegas... my body is in dire need of detox and a cleanse.

A friend of mine just got done with a 7 day master cleanse. Though it might have been a good idea prior to Vegas, I was with mom, then I would have had to ease out of it and gradually go back to solid food. Which wouldn't have been the smartest thing when I knew there was going to be a lot of drinking in Vegas.

Now that I'm home, I was feeling icky and bloated. Icky in the way I am after a lot of conventions. I assume it's from the sheer amount of people that my immune system is not used to coming in contact with normally. Bloated in the sense that I was eating to drink, but I was eating things my body is not used to eating.

Before Vegas, I was on a strict diet, noodles for breakfast as my form of carbs, snacking on hard boiled eggs, and lots of protein from tuna, chicken, and beef, with lots and lots of water. One model commented that I lost a lot of weight. That's cool I guess.

My time spent with my mom was just full of rice, mmm rice. Mom's cooking is just so awesome.

Vegas was a bit of a blur and that was awesome.

But my body hates me.

As I am worried about jumping into a liquid diet, I decided to ease into it with something more feasible, soup in combination with the lemonade.

To put my it lightly, meeting someone who is into my kinks, it brought out the sadistic part of me I prefer to keep locked away. It's a part of me I have to try to suppress. I was starting to feel like I may not have the discipline to fight it because of how good it felt to let it out.

This cleanse is mainly about regaining my self control. Re-establishing my will power.

For how much I love food and eating, I feel like I'm about to get super grumpy. But I'm letting this be a test of strength.

Wish me luck!

Heart:

I don't want to say it's because I'm Chinese or Asian but I was raised, taught, and even pressured to use my head, use my brain, and do what's smart.

The first thing I aspired to be was an artist, my mom's response was, "Artists don't make money. You are going to starve to death".

I grew up believing that following my heart is irrational and I am afraid of it.

Even after college I felt conflicted because I was debating between law school and going to school for shoe design. I did neither because of how torn I felt by that conflict and battle of the rational brain vs irrational heart.

Being a camgirl makes me feel liberated. The privates I have done, feeling like I am in a safe place to express myself without judgement or the possibility of someone I know watching me in public chat, makes me feel not only adored for all of who I am, but honest and true to myself.

Someone once told me, "You know you are doing the right thing when your head and heart agree".

This job is one of the few choices I have made and keep making on behalf of how I feel: my heart. My head questions my decision from time to time, or sometimes all the time. but my heart is always been with camming.

To anyone else that can empathize with how I feel, I try to remind myself that "I sincerely doubt that people have regrets about following their heart."

I feel this way because I know I am an old soul. I've experienced more than many because of my desire and recklessness to explore. I have lost the only person in this world I knew for sure that loved me unconditionally. The love my grandpa had for me, the look in his eyes, I will spend my life to find it again and I'm grateful I had the courage to tell him that before he passed.

My mom is my role model because of her strength and independence. The things I have experienced in my life, they have conditioned me to be "strong when all is wrong". I think it's about time for me to trust my own strength. I tell myself to let some of my guards down so I can be open to new people without judging them based on the actions of others in my past because I know the amount of emotional pain I can endure.

There's been change because I have felt the change, but it's been hard to express until now.

I know I keep saying this but I am unable to achieve any of it without the tippers that have supported me financially because you enable me to keep on this path.

I love my tippers because I am starting to love myself, truly appreciate my life, and I couldn't have done this without you and your generosity. Thank you.

Enlightenment:

In my 6+yrs of camming, it's been a roller coster. I have felt completely ashamed, turned off and utterly disgusted with myself as a camgirl.

But 2016, the nightmares I've had to battle, I finally feel... secure.

Models have stepped forward to look out for me as a friend and not just a coworker.

I realized how my friends from camming (models, members, and those I've met through being in "the industry) understand me more than anyone I've ever met.

I feel like I am right where I need to be.

I feel... complete.

Recognizing I am part of a community that appreciates all of who I am as a person is the most liberated I have ever felt.

I'm starting to feel courageous enough to just be me, versus let people see what I want them to see. The self censoring is exhausting, it's not real.

As much as I have tried to show people my personality and quirks via having a non- nude public chat room, it's been really boring.

I'm not sure where this journey will take me, but I feel new. I not only feel like a new model, but I feel like a new person.

I need to give a shout out to the members who support me financially because without your financial support that keeps the roof over my head as you pay for my rent. I would have switched careers and I would be living a life where I am pretending to be someone I'm not.

2016 was difficult. It was painful. But the turmoil and conquests have made me stronger.

I hope you will stick around and keep supporting me so I can continue my path of self discovery in order to be the truest, most honest and sincere version of myself.

AVN:

I'm probably going to be writing a lot of AVN posts after things really start to settle in.

This was by far the most intense convention I've ever attended/worked. The sheer amount of models, emotions, ESTROGEN, love, SUPPORT, just so overwhelming in the best possible way.

I've always preferred to keep a low profile because to me, camming was my dirty little secret. I would go to conventions to desensitize myself from the craziness and get used to the idea that: "this is my reality".

In this last year, so much has changed. How I feel about my job, the confidence I feel because I just know the most like-minded people I know, I've met through camming.

Meeting girls like BabeVonDetta, RedChasten, and the other ladies I had on the MFC snap takeover was my way of recognizing their confidence and sharing how much they live and love their life as a camgirl.

This was the very first convention I went to where so many models saw me and knew who I was. I felt absolutely honored that ladies enjoyed the snap takeover because I had snap remorse after it. I feared it was too deep and not entertaining enough, but the response from the models I met was incredible.

I love not having to pretend like I am a good girl. I haven't broken out of the many layers of concealment because I'm an introvert and socially awkward but I am getting there.

I've enjoyed knowing how freaky I am, and keeping it all to myself while letting certain people experience bits and pieces through sexual experiences and private shows. But what I've shown lately... my sex kitten side, it feels right to let people see some of the things I've kept private.

I feel enlightened. I feel like myself. I feel happiest than I have ever and it's because of the people in my life that I've met through camming.

I understand that I can't do this alone. I can't do this without the love and support of members, models, and the people in my life that I simply adore.

Flashpoint:

"Accept the things you cannot change. Have the courage to change the things you can... and have the wisdom to know the difference."

I often try not to stress over the things that are out of my control because I know that the only thing I can control is myself. I wanted to be a psychologist, and was a psych major in college because I wanted to help people. But through seeing a therapist in college, I realized people can only change themselves. This realization discouraged me from that path of being a psychologist. From there, I was lost.

I like camming because I am in control.

It's really easy to be in control when it's just me, myself and I. But when others are involved, I don't know what happens to me; I have the tendency to lose myself.

When people start getting close to me, whether it's in my personal life or through camming. I start freaking out.

The only part of that equation I can control: is myself.

I need to be better disciplined in controlling my feelings. Control that feeling of anxiety that I get when I let my guards down because I need to realize how strong I am.

I've already lost the person I love the most in this world, and I survived. My grandpa was the only person in this world, who loved me unconditionally. It's taken me years to learn to live with that pain and for that I am stronger.

I can't control what others do. But I can control what I do. I try to look out for myself by protecting myself but I can't be like Holly Golightly and keep myself locked in a I built myself.

I can't control what people say to me, but I can control how I react and how it makes me feel.