Jealousy:

I have the tendency to get enraged with jealousy. To deal with it, I start drinking an obscene amount of alcohol because that jealousy leads to a very critical inner voice and I'm trying to mute it with intoxicants.

The jealousy makes me feel insecure, inadequate, worthless, subpar, unattractive, undesired. I simply can't stop beating myself up emotionally. I start comparing myself and I feel like absolute shit.

It is completely toxic and simply destructive.

So in an effort to combat this negative critic inside my head, I'm going to induce some self therapy by stating things I like about myself: 

I love my creativity, it seeps out into every aspect of my life and everything I do. On top of the drawing and painting, I also enjoy making things with my hands, jewelry, clothing, food.

I'm clever and have a way of MacGyvering things in time of need. I'm quite proud of my wits in that sense.

My anxiety and slight agoraphobia makes me late but I'm extremely over prepared. Which sometimes makes me the go to person when someone needs something. Me being able to help others in need justifies my fears. So I don't see it as a bad thing.

I really like to try new things and I consider myself a collector of experiences.

I have this uncanny ability to be good at a lot of random things I try.

When I hit a bucket of balls at the driving range, I am extremely consistent, admittedly I don't hit very far but it's pretty much always straight.

When I tried shooting guns, I found out my aim is impeccable.

I spent 8 years of my life learning how to play the piano, till this day I am grateful my mom forced me to practice, making me pay her $6/day that I didn't practice.

I like my eclectic fashion sense, sometimes classy, sometimes sexy, sometimes fierce, but it always says something about how I feel.

I like my boobs. Superficial but I fucking love boobs.

I love that I'm loyal, loyalty is hard to find sometimes.

I'm extremely sensitive, it can be a blessing and a curse, but I'd rather feel everything than nothing at all. My sensitivity makes me acutely aware of how others are feeling. It comes in handy when I'm online and people PM me. I can feel the underlying tone of things and read between the lines.

I like being masculine in a woman's body. Liking things like sports, guns, cars and women while being feminine, dressing girly and doing feminine things like cooking. It makes me feel well rounded.

I like that I am impulsive, it brings spontaneity to my life despite it's connection to chaos.

I'm proud of the fact that I have an IQ of 153, tested post college. I tested 144 in college and 144 in high school. It makes me believe that I will be ok even if I weren't a camgirl.

I like that I'm a horrible liar, which makes me lie far less frequently than a lot of people I know.

I am a people pleaser, I always put other before myself. This can be damaging to myself but it's better than being selfish.

I have an addictive personality, but I see it as passion. When I love, I love obsessively and hard. It could be seen as a bad thing but I think it's better than being unable to care.

I am independent, and I know I can survive.

I am a visual person, it can make me shallow but I also am constantly aware of the beauty in our world. For example, how beautiful the sky looks right before the sunrises, or after it sets. I love the colors of the different seasons. I notice the lines and structure of buildings. I break everything I see down to colors and shapes, imagining how I would paint/draw it. Being able to stop and see how beautiful the world is, makes me happy, and it makes me want to share my point of view with others in hopes that they will see the beauty like I do and be happy as well.

All I want, is to inspire others the way that I feel inspired.

I know my blogs can be extremely candid, open and honest. Maybe it's too much information for some, but I hope by admitting my own flaws, someone may read this and recognize these destructive behaviors in themselves and I can help someone in the process of helping myself. 

I don't really know how to start talking to strangers in my room that don't talk to me. So I hope by sharing and being vulnerable, you can relate and perhaps you will be more inclined to talk to me if you understood me more.