Humility:

I don't think I've ever realized just how insecure I am, how much it impacts me, and my life. It comes out in the form of jealousy, I drink to feel confident, and I'm sure in many ways I am unaware of. My critical inner voice just holds me back so much. I don't understand why people would like me which makes me push them away if they do. I read somewhere that insecurity should be viewed as humility because it's the opposite of the sin "pride". This is my attempt to break down some of the critical things I say to myself in an effort to let it all go:

• You’re stupid. (My mom used to keep telling me she'd never seen anyone as stupid as me)
• You’re unattractive. (I call this ugly duckling syndrome because I was not a cute kid)
• You’re a failure. (This is probably an Asian thing)
• No one will ever love you. (because I don't love me)
• You’re fat. (Another Asian thing)
• You’re such a loser. (Yeah being Asian means being constantly compared to others)
• You’ll never be able to quit drinking (smoking etc). (I take pride in being an alcoholic because my favorite person was)
• What’s the point in even trying? (I try to better myself but I'm not sure it pays off at all)
• You don’t know what you’re doing. (I feel so lost with camming, like I just don't know how to be a financially successful camgirl)
• Who do you think you are? You’ll never be successful. (I honestly believe that I would never be able to make MissMFC)
• You’re under too much pressure. You can’t take it. (Simply feel like I'm cracking and barely keeping myself together)
• You’ll never get everything done. You’re so lazy. (I procrastinate)
• You should just put this off until tomorrow. (Hard core)
• No one appreciates you. (It's why I ban people that don't talk, they make me feel insecure)
• You’d better be perfect, or no one will tip you (I make sure I look my best before I get on cam)
• Nobody likes you here. (I constantly feel like this when I'm online)
• Put your work first. Don’t take time for yourself. (It's what my grandma's always said work comes first, you can worry about yourself later)
• When are you ever going to get a real job? (The social stigma of camming gets to me)
• No one would hire you. (I have a huge gap on my resume)
• You’re never going to find another person who understands you. (Even if I did, I fear I'd end up getting abandoned)
• Don’t get too hooked on him. (I get totally crazy)
• He doesn’t really care about you. (My grandma used to always tell me guys want one thing, is to get in between your legs)
• He is too good for you. (Yeah I think like this a lot)
• You’ve got to keep him interested. (My mom once told me everyone she's ever been with has cheated on her or she was the other woman. "Men cheat, if they don't do it, they think about it" were her exact words). 
• You’re better off on your own. (I am Holly Golightly, put myself in a cage). 
• As soon as he gets to know you, he will reject you. (I don't really let people get close to me because I fear they will leave me)
• You’ve got to be in control. (Being in control keeps my feelings protected)
• It’s your fault if he gets upset. (I constantly feel the need for approval and that it's my job to make people happy)
• Don’t be too vulnerable or you’ll just wind up getting hurt. (I know I have a huge romantic heart but it is protected by layers and layers of walls)

I'm kind of just exhausted at how much I beat myself up and how much I let myself put me down. Maybe it's because I've let the pace of my chatroom dictate my own self worth, perhaps it's because I've always been insecure. But I really need to stop.

Do you feel insecure? How do you overcome it?

I feel like I'm trapped with my own worst enemy.