Broken:

Lately I've felt like a broken water vase that's been glued back together, but the glue is weak and the pressure of the water on the cracks is heavy. I try my best to keep myself together, be beautiful and unbroken but I feel like I'm barely keeping myself together.

I appreciate my life, the people in my life, and my job or jobs. I am grateful of the fact that I have a roof over my head, clothes to keep me warm but I feel like I'm slipping. I've been breaking down into tears, not just tears but sometimes full on cries from the top of my lungs. I smoke a cigarette before I get on cam out of anxiety about how my shift will go because a lot of the times, I am unable to kill 400-550tkn topless topics in hours of time.

I'm not sure how to turn this around. I so desperately want to be successful on MFC but I'm starting to feel like it's me. That I am not good enough. I feel so lost and I no longer know what to do.

I'm trying my best, but I'm feeling like it's not good enough. That I, am not good enough. I'm trying to keep my head high and smile through my pain. I've been praying for things to get better.

I know that I'm smart and strong, so if I do break I am not inept of putting myself back together. In China, empresses are represented by a phoenix, and like a phoenix I know I can rise from the ashes... because it's what I do.

But how many times do I have to be burned and resurrected?

I'm losing hope that things will ever turn around. Losing faith in myself.