Wednesday, July 6, 2016

A Rare Insight:

I don't talk much about my personal life, because quite honestly I don't think anyone cares and when people do, I think they care too much. So I like to keep my private life to myself. But quite frankly it's been rough.

Someone once told me I peaked in 2012, and it's all downhill from there. Well what they didn't know was my grandpa passed away 9/01/12. I just wasn't the same after that because he was the embodiment of my ideal man. I told him if I ever got married, it would be to someone as sweet and thoughtful as him. I practically lost my ability to dance. Nearly 4 years later. I'm starting to see slivers of that glimmer that used to be inside of me. I'm starting to pick myself up. Living in this city that I am absolutely in love with helps me a lot, and I put in a lot of time online just to be able to afford this place.

This year has been particularly rough with Life springing one hurdle after another right in front of me as if It's purposefully trying to make me trip and fall on my face.

A week or so before AVN in January, my mom told me her best friend's daughter killed herself. This was a very smart woman that just always had such a tough time getting through Life without getting herself into trouble. I was so angry at how Life was just so unfair to her. Then a week after AVN I found out my childhood best friend's mom died of cancer. A woman with a huge Christian heart, that watched me grow up. So by February, I suddenly became very aware of the fragility of our mortal souls.

Without given much time to grieve, I was struck with horrific anonymous rape threats in March, which turned out to be a member that I trusted and met through one of my date raffles. Coming to the realization that this person has supported me financially in the last couple of years, shook me down to the very core. Not only did it severely weaken what I love about my job as a cam girl. It damaged me as a person, nearly destroying the faith that I have in people and humanity itself. I am absolutely appalled by how the internet can bring out such ugliness in people that we would never see in person. But now I think perhaps it's a good thing that people let their guard down when they think they are hiding behind a computer.

Since then, I've just been a lost soul bouncing from place to place. Visiting Sky and then Jessie in March when they invited me. Mel in Chicago when she invited me in April/May. The day that I got to Chicago I got a text from my mom saying she was on her way to China because my grandma fell, broke her hip and needed surgery. Before the surgery they found out she has lung cancer from having TB earlier in her life.

I went back to visiting Sky cuz we missed each other dearly, and again in June because I just couldn't leave her. I love her so dearly because we are so much alike, I just felt inadequate that I couldn't bring anything to the table in terms of camming.

Mel's strength, Sky's warmth, Jessie's company, and Christy checking in on me periodically via texts: they are fellow models that have helped me greatly, and they've been the blessing I've been focusing on while being a part of this wicked industry. Especially while contemplating ending it all. Not just camming but everything.

While I've been struggling emotionally and relying on my cam friends to keep me in the light. I've really dug myself deeper and deeper in a hole financially due to the lack of time I've been spending on cam. Not to mention when I do get online, I don't really want to be there.

Fourth of July, I rode my bike to see the fireworks over the skyline of my favorite city in the world. It made me cry because of how beautiful it was. I felt so blessed to be able to have the luxury of living here I just want so badly to make this work and stay here because this place makes me so happy.

I rode home in the rain, and when I got home, I was already soaking wet and I just kept riding. I rode to my favorite place to watch the sunrise, then kept riding until I was just too tired. There was something so liberating about riding my bike in the pouring rain. It felt absolutely crazy to be riding my bike in so much rain and getting soaked because there was no one out on the city streets, the people that were out, were ducking and running for cover from the rain. Then there was me, riding my bike freely, drenched wet, feeling the rain drops beat down on my face, taking my feet off the petals when I was coasting downhill, singing to my favorite songs out loud. It was as if I lost my mind, and some how I was ok with it it because I choose to do so. I can't be truly crazy if I'm choosing to act crazy right? It was unequivocally exhilarating.

Yesterday I spent the day in bed, awake for over 24hrs doing not much except playing my silly games on my phone and working on my etsy.

Today I'm going to take another day off cam to work on my etsy because with the absence of my members/friends that I care about and rely on financially, I didn't make enough last month to pay for this month's rent. I realized I've been so focused on cam stuff, I've neglected my etsy stuff. Maybe if I found more of of a middle ground between the two, I could find my happiness again and gain financial stability.

It's been a while since I've taken 3 days off cam, but with Exxxotica Chicago coming up, I'm going to be focused on cam stuff all weekend. I figured I need some time to myself and to my Etsy.

I know Life throws shit at everyone and I'm not the only person in this world working and trying to make a living while dealing with chaos in their personal life. But some how I just felt the need to clarify things so that no one makes assumptions about me that are not true.

Thank you for the roles that you guys play in my life, I wouldn't be able to do anything that I do without your financial support. Thank you ladies for not treating me like the enemy and caring about me as a friend. That is a rare quality in this cut throat industry.