My friend reminded of me "that" triangle. I know exactly which one he was referring to. It's one of my many favorites models from psychology. I present you Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs as an upside-down triangle:
- On the bottom we have the physiological needs: food, water, shelter, sex.
- Safety: security, health, stability
- Love/belonging: friendships and a sense of community, relationships/intimacy, family.
- Esteem: self-respect, sense of value/contribution.
- On the top, self-actualization (whatever the fuck that means, jokes), it means you've reached your full potential, but seriously how will anyone ever know?!
I suspect with everything on the next level being awry. I simply haven't had the energy to deal with anything involving my relationships with others. I even went to the extreme extent of trying to simplify my life by pushing away all those I care about. In case everything goes to Hell with me, I didn't want them to witness it. (Now, for the time being, I realize that's it's not my job to protect. I should be open, let others in, and see if they want to stay for themselves, instead of making choices for others. *I'll stop trying to be the Green Arrow*).
I had no desire for sex because with me & sex, it comes with intimacy (3rd tier I'm too preoccupied to deal with at the moment). I am a creative person, it means I'm constantly filled with immense passion and emotion. When it comes to people and people I'm into: I'm ragging with energy; they become a drug to me and it brings out the Succubus.
Out of the blue, I started to think about sex and I couldn't get it out of my head. Everything went back to sex.
There's only one dick I want but it's been so long: months. But that dick comes with so many thoughts... words. None of which need to be spoken because everything has already been "said".
So I did my best at satisfying my basic physiological needs (without getting into that 3rd tier shit)... my solution: a silent encounter.
Because honestly, every time I envisioned a physical encounter, I saw myself talking a lot. Crying, trying to explain the tears, not wanting to explain anything because the words have already been "said" via text *pathetic I know*.
The problem with me seeing myself talking and possibly crying, is my concern about the other person. I get so wrapped up in myself, as much as I'm going through stuff, I'm also not the only one who has shit on their plate. I fear occupying the silence with noise about me while I isolate another person into a repressed silent struggle that I've trapped them in. I don't want to be selfish, but on some level, it's simple biology: Darwinism.
I don't believe two parties can truly vent, stress and/or grieve simultaneously, without it multiplying and possibly imploding. So ultimately, the conversation is selfish because any one sided conversation is. Sometimes, we need to be left alone to lick our wounds because pity parties are never fun.
A silent encounter was exactly what I got. Everything I wanted to say, came out in the form of an action, expression, banter or noise, but we never spoke words. I'm not sure if I'd ever experienced such beautiful, serene bliss.
Perhaps it's because it's hard to be negative without the use of words. How can any action be pessimistic? An action can be hesitant at best.
To take away even the sense of speaking words, our minds are challenged to operate differently:
“That's when you know you've found somebody really special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence.” ― Pulp FictionUploaded the only picture I've EVER taken of my tits covered in REAL cum to onlyBubs.com