Thursday, March 31, 2016


When a blind woman named Helen Keller was young, she was introduced to Christianity, and famously said, "I always knew He was there, but I didn't know His name!".

This may be one of the most honest and true things I've read about religion. I may not believe in an almighty deity, but I believe there is a "God" within us, telling us what is moral, what is right. Perhaps some call it a moral compass. The voice may be faint but if we stop and listen, we can choose to do the right.

I sincerely believe there is a "God"/good and a "Devil"/evil within us all, and we have the choice of which one to listen to. I consider that "free will". No matter what happens in life, we always have choices and options. We can choose to be better, or worse. It may not be easy to do what we know is right, but it can be done.

Thoreau said, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation". So why is it instead of trying to help one another, we choose to be selfish & struggle? If anything, I know that people can be strong. Stronger than our imaginations can foresee. But one person alone in the woods will not survive unless they are part of a pack. Humanity thrives on teamwork, not selfishness.

So just be good to one another.

Be the better you.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Falling Forward

In this life, we are born alone and we die alone. But if we are lucky, the moments in between is filled with meaningful connections with others.

A cam model and former friend once suggested I watch a documentary on Netflix called "Happy". In that movie, what I got from it, is that happiness is about connecting with others, and being apart of something outside of/bigger than yourself.

I found joy in camming because of the relationships I've formed with both members and models. While it's been difficult for me to connect with members, I have thrived off the friendships I have formed with models.

In a situation where I feel I went from loving my life and thinking I was free, to hating my life and knowing I am trapped; I recognize that I am at a fork, and the decisions I make will define me. In life, all we can control is our actions and attitudes. In harm's way we can fight or flight, it is the only choice we have, and the only thing we can control, is our choice. Without control of our choices, we lose. We lose ourselves and we lose the person we want to be.

I've come to the realization I'm a mess, that I've been a mess. I didn't realize it has been over but now that it's done, I see it clearly.

I've been falling, while I didn't realize I fell, but now that I know, all I want is to fall forward.


I'm going to start posting questions to prove a point. Call it #BubsTrivia & please no guesses.

1). How long did I play the piano?

2). 5+yrs on cam, both my 1st&2nd top members of all time have requested to hear me play in prvt. What is my go to song, especially when all is wrong?

3). The Beatles is my favorite band, but why?

4). In My Life is my favorite song but why? These are all questions that members have asked me before, but neither of them are on Twitter.

5). When is my birthday?

6). What's my favorite animal? And no it is not dogs nor cats.

7). An easier question: what is my favorite scotch?

8). How do I like my burger? Especially from In and Out?

9). Why don't I like ice in my drinks?

10). The 1st thing I wanted to be was an artist, what was the 2nd and then the back up plan for that?

11). Why do I love Coke but hate Pepsi?

12). I've taken many different types of dance classes in my life, what were they?

13). Why is nyc my favorite city?

14). I hate my grandma with a passion, but why?

15). I love to shoot guns, different calibers for different reasons, what are they?

16). My family and I have a tradition on New Years, what is it?

17). If I had a daughter what is the name I'd give her?

18). I love art museums, who's my favorite artist and which piece?

19). What is my favorite vampire movie? And no it is not Twilight nor Interview with a Vampire.

20). My mom has named 4 imaginary kids I will have it the future, what are they?

20 questions so far, all things I know at least 1+ member(s) can answer. If you can't answer at least 3 w/o guessing then you don't know me very well...

Monday, March 7, 2016

Dear Anon

It is a very serious offense to make physical threats against someone, even on the internet, where you think you are "anonymous".

I am a cam girl. I offer my company on the internet. I find satisfaction in the positive impact I have on people's lives. Don't get it confused with a dating site.

In my 5 years on MFC, I've only believed 1 person when he says he loves me, and that's because he shows me in a way I believe it to be "Love" the way I define it. I believe him because I know he puts me before himself. He is always there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on. He gets my art because he supports my dreams. He's content with alone time with me without ever making any requests, simply letting me do as I please. Unlike others where there is always an end goal that's about them. That's fine, it's my job to be there for others.

When most people tell me they "love" me, it is quite clear to me, their definition of Love is completely different than mine. To me, Love is about putting someone else's needs before your own. It is about being there for each other, supporting each others' ambitions, helping each other be better. How can people claim to "love" me when they never even ask me anything about me? The way a cam model responds to her room, or lack there of, is not the same as her personality. Most girls are not the same off-cam as they are on-cam. How can a person use the word "Love" and be absent when I am sad? How can I believe it when people are only around when it benefits them and leave when they get what they want from me? A relationship is built on shared interests, beliefs, goals, and trust. Can I trust someone who threatens to harm me and threatens to hurt my mom? Driving a wedge between me and the person I love the most in the world, is despicable and cruel. I am appalled and disgusted that anyone could stoop so low. You owe me an apology.

This is a serious matter. Keep it up and I guarantee one of a few things will happen. 1) I will take legal action and get the authorities involved because a physical threat has already been made. 2) Restraining order, and virtual bans will be instituted. 3) I will have to re-evaluate my career as a cam girl and drop off the internet COMPLETELY if need be because I will not subjugate myself, my family nor friends to any harm.

Stop being so selfish. That is not love. You don't own me. I need to have a life off cam because camming is my JOB. Isn't it enough I give 95% of my time to MFC? Why am I not allowed to go out on a date? I didn't have to talk about my personal life on cam. But I chose to because that's my REALITY and I don't believe in lying about my relationship status to give people false hope. Like I said, MFC is not a dating site, it is an e-commerce site. If there were no exchange of currency, would any model volunteer her time?

Be realistic and have fun. Money does not buy you love, even if it could, would you still want it?