Bats:

Another drunken topless painting session on MFC. I later added a bridge and colored it in more.

Clark:

I've always loved Superman but I realized when the world sees a hero, we tend to forget the man. So I decided to ironically name this Superman piece "Clark".

I took this time-lapse 06/06/17 which is when this painting started. I love to get topless, drink and paint on cam.

I also like to sign certain pieces with my "DNA" previously saliva. This was the first piece I signed with my blood and then covered with white paint. By the time I signed this I was extremely intoxicated. But I find drunken topless painting sessions to be extremely therapeutic. I signed it with my blood because it's a way to authenticate a piece of artwork and I consider my art to be horcuxes, this only deepened the symbolism. The act of literally bleeding onto this canvas was the only thing I saw fit to do because of how I felt in that moment.

I've made some changes to the painting since this video was filmed while streaming on MFC. The cape was extremely dark and unfitting, so I lightened it up and cleaned him up a bit with a brush.

It currently hangs on my wall as I decide whether I want to work on it more or put it on etsy.

Eventually this will make it's way to abandonedbyBubs.com

Ticking Time Bomb:

People used to compare me to Inspector Gadget because I like to have a bunch of handy things on me.

Right now, I feel like that letter that self destructs.

I've quite honestly pushed away everyone I care about. Family, friends, models, members, everyone. All I can say, is I thought I was trying to protect those I love.

I know I said lots of mean things, but I felt like me hurting you all now, will hurt a lot less than letting you all stand by me and watch me destroy my self and my life. From my perspective, my reasoning, this might be the most selfless thing I have ever done.

I thought is it better to push people away, have then be mad or not like me now. Or let them stick by me as I downward spiral? I don't want to strap people I care about onto a sinking ship.

I randomly burst into tears when I think about some of the things I've said to people I love. I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to hug me and tell me it will be ok. But yet I don't want to put that burden on anyone.

I know that wasn't my choice to make for others, but I can't stand the thought of dragging people I care about down with me. I don't want pity.

Crying in Asian cultures, especially in my family, it's not accepted. My grandma hates it and yells, my uncle laughs, my mom just freezes up, and me I cry more during things I watch than things I experience. I cry for others, I rarely cry for myself.

When I want to cry for myself, I was simply trained to do it alone. Not let anyone see. I find myself in tears a lot when I'm alone these days. It's why it's been nice to be around people. The company makes me try harder to keep myself together.

Yes, I need help, but I don't expect it from others when I don't even know how to help myself at this moment.

I just see myself as a ticking time bomb, I'm trying my best to be stable but in case I blow, I just want to detonate in peace. I don't want anyone around as collateral damage.

I wish I had the courage to apologize to everyone personally right now. But I simply can not let myself do that yet because I'm still not ok. I'll try to fix thing if I get better, but right now I'm trying to protect people in case I break.

Is it crazy for me to feel this way? Have I already lost my sanity?

Stripping 2.0:

I had a handful of models ask me about my experience in the strip club. Here's my take home:

Like a lot of jobs, there are it's ups and it's downs. I love being on stage, dancing, this sex kitten part of me comes out, my bedroom eyes are on, I can see who's attention I have, and I feel desired.

What I don't like the harassment. Some women are ok with it. It really just depends on the person and how you look at it.

I had one model comment and say how she couldn't be touched, but it's not always like that. There are a lot of women that go to the strip club and believe me, women go because they like women. Those are usually a slam dunk because most strippers ignore women. That's something that I know from going to strip clubs with a guy I was dating in college.

About 20-30% of my money was made from doing dances with other women, guys love that. Sometimes the men are attractive.

Some night can go by quickly while others drag on. People can be gross and that can happen every night. There's the potential for a lot of danger.

Being open about it gives others the opportunity to connect. I'm surprised at how many people opened up to me. The tones some people use when they ask their questions. It's pretty easy to hear the sound of support vs judgement.

I know I don't like it. I know it sucks. But the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. Feeling down, looking down, everything feeds into itself. I had to do something different because I don't want that life for me. I wouldn't be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle as a stripper. I'm just a reckless drunk.

Whether you want/have to dance in a strip club, be aware of the dangers, the rules. Know how to stand up for yourself because I don't. Be smart, don't drink excessively which is something I simply have a hard time doing so I really don't like the idea of me going by myself because I make stupid choices, and even more when I'm drunk. Most importantly, you can never be too safe. I carry pepper spray and knife.

It's like balancing on a tight rope, the odds are not in your favor. But sometimes we do what we have to do to survive. Just make sure you don't ever do anything you that makes you not like the person looking back at you. Sometimes it takes some time and self analysis to figure out what our boundaries are but make sure you know where you stand.

You can be a happy stripper.

Stripping:

This is the third time I've tried stripping.

The first time, I was in town for Exxxotica about a year and a half ago. My friend told me she gave up camming for stripping. I was curious to find out why for my self. I tried for 1 night. I was so lost.

I later went back a few months later to strip again in December after my mom and I got into a fight about the topic during Thanksgiving. I worked Thurs-Sun.

This time around, I simply couldn't risk having another pay period where I don't make enough to cover my bills.

I danced Wed, Sat, Sun and Monday. Wed and Sat I spent most my first two nights doing double girl dances with either my friend or another girl that works there. Saturday I had a couple come in to see me because I met them last time I was in town. I adore them because they met when they were teenagers, been together nearly 40 years and only been with each other. She's bi-curious so I just dance for her. It was fun, my knees are all beat up as expected. But after working Sunday night, I woke up on Monday morning hungover, crying, and I couldn't stop crying.

I cried because I felt so empty on the inside. I used to call my former step dad the suit of a man. The tragic irony now is that I feel like the shell of a woman. I kind of just want someone to love so that I feel something again.

Last night I paid $45 just to get onto the floor to dance. Then, I kept getting people that would tell me they weren't interested without even me saying, "Hi" first. So I went for a cigarette, the first time I did that since I started working. There was a guy who wanted dances. He took me to the VIP section and during the course of 4 songs proceeded to take his dick out at which point I got up. I kept telling him I don't think that's ok, he kept telling me it's ok it's VIP. He said I didn't have to touch it, but then he kept on trying to get me to touch it and hold it.

I haven't seen or touched a dick in 2 months. I freaked out. I think about my time, those 4 songs, that 80 dollars and I just break down into tears. I ended up making less than $40 last night dancing.

On a good night, meaning good people, good money, it can be fun, exhilarating at times. But when it's bad. It's scary. Some girls are very assertive, extroverts, many enjoy it. If I can be topless on stage and never have to do dances that would be awesome. But it's just not for me. I don't am too much of an introvert to work in a club.

I keep asking myself, "Where did I go wrong? When did my life get like this? How did I let my life get like this?"

I keep wanting to call my mom and apologize to her. Tell her "I'm sorry mommy, I'm sorry you worked so hard as an only parent my whole life, had us live on an $88/month food budget so that you could save up money for my college and all I did was just throw it all away. I'm sorry that this is what I chose to do. You raised me better. You gave me everything, and you don't deserve to have your child tarnish your legacy. I'm sorry. I just wanted to be an artist.

I don't know when it all started to get so hard. I'm tired. I'm so so so fucking tired. I don't have a clue on how to turn things around.

I simply don't recognize myself anymore. I just want to be home, get drunk and paint. It's just a shame I can't make a living off of what I love to do.

I think it's time to truly start thinking about the next chapter of my life and what I want from this life of mine. This is not ok.  I haven't been doing well at camming for nearly 2 years now. I need to stop kidding myself in thinking it will get better.

My main concern at this moment is self-preservation. I am scared because I seem to be making really bad choices.