Tuesday, April 25, 2017


I was born on the same day as my grandma. It wasn't a coincidence, it was a planned c-section. I was her "birthday gift".

My mom left me in China to be raised by my maternal grandparents when I was 2yrs old. The Chinese tradition is to eat hard boiled eggs for breakfast the round shape symbolizes unity and continuity. Noodles for lunch, they are called longevity noodles, your suppose to make a single strand and make sure it's unbroken for a long life. Dumplings for dinner because of their shape looks like old money, it's suppose to symbolize good fortune and wealth.

Off the top of my head, I've had some very memorable birthdays, bowling parties as a kid. I turned 16 in Paris. Started drinking first thing in the morning on my 21st birthday so I could do 21 drinks in one day. On my 23rd birthday I went all out and had a different themed party for 5 days straight.

But then my mom and my stepdad got a divorce. Since the divorce, my ex stepdad texts me on my birthday like clock work, thus reminding me of the fact that he cheated on my mom, lied about it. Then got over 6 figures in their divorce because CA is a no fault state and my mom was the bread winner. I cry every time I get a text from him. Sometimes I ignore him. Sometimes I tell him to fuck off. But never do I not cry.

Then I started camming. When it comes to my birthday and camming, it's the only time I get pumped about my birthday. Else I'm pretty unenthused. But every year, I'm bummed that guys are still dicks despite the screenname "BdayBubs". I'm not sure why I expect them to treat me differently on my birthday.

One year, I dated a guy who didn't want to spend my birthday with me. It hurt but it gave me the motivation to make sure I make my birthday a good one myself. From then on, I just stopped relying on others to celebrate my day with me. If you think about it, it seems extremely self-centered to get all your family and friends together for a day to celebrate you.

This year, I was excited but as the weeks drew near, I got scared. I started questioning the direction my life is going. I tried to suppress those worrisome thoughts with smoking and drinking. It's just been a shit mess. I have just been a shit mess.

I didn't tweet begging for birthday presents or gift cards because I simply didn't want to face the possibility that what if I did tweet and got nothing? So I just didn't ask for anything also because I don't want any material possessions, I have enough stuff.

But still, I ended up crying twice from camming because of how mean some guys were.

I cried when my mom posted the sweetest slide show of pictures from my past, I mean there were pictures that were actual photographs, I don't know how long it took for her to get all that together. There were pictures of my grandpa, and I just lost it. Part of me died the moment I got that phone call on cam. There were pictures of one of my exs which I just found hilarious because him and my mom adore each other. He's almost like my brother in a sense because my mom views him as a son, and him and I have no romantic nor sexual feelings for each other.

I cried when my stepdad texted me because I remembered being in college, the guy I was dating was drunk and came over to my place where we just fought and he wouldn't leave. He pushed me to the ground around 4-5am and I called my stepdad, he was in town with his son and his brother, what my stepdad choose to do was call my bf at the time and leave him a "semi-threatening" voicemail. I texted my stepdad back and I asked, "What would you have done if I was really your daughter and a guy had laid hands on me? Just think about that the next time you want to text me."

I wept as I ate my longevity noodles, thinking about all the birthday meals my grandpa made me. He was the most beautiful person that ever lived. Sweet, thoughtful, not a man of words but actions. He never told me he loved me, but he would tell everyone that I am number one in his heart, and there was never a doubt in my mind that it was untrue because I could see it in his eyes. Unconditional love, is beyond words.

I called my grandma to wish her a happy birthday, she was happy but she spent the whole conversation telling horrible old stories of the biggest fight I've seen between my grandparents, I was there during that particular incident. All I recall is her hitting her head on the wall but it was an accident. Tears just kept coming down my face because my grandpa is my favorite person. I can't stand it when she talks shit about him, he's gone. Why does she have to attempt to taint my memory of him. My mom has even said to her, "How would you feel if people talk this way about you and your family when you die". It shut her up for the moment but she just turns around and starts saying the same thing on a different day. The stories are the same, verbatim, over and over. I've heard it so many times. It's why I never call her. She makes me livid with rage.

To be given to someone as a birthday present, that person being the person I despise most in the world, is what I call a curse.

Between having to talk to or even hear from the two people I dislike the most, my ex-stepdad and grandma on my birthday, I just cannot stand it. I think next year I'm going to turn my phone off for the day and maybe stop celebrating my birthday on cam all together.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite day, birthday is probably one of my least favorite.

I can't help but miss my grandpa.

Friday, April 14, 2017


So when this whole United thing happened, my friend was visiting from out of town and she was outraged. She wanted to boycott United and she was happy that their stock is down.

This article pretty much sums up my feels pretty neatly:

I'm seeing people say how United's CEO should resign. How does that make sense? How many employees does United have? Should a CEO be liable for the actions and consequences for every single one of his employees? Did the CEO himself physically remove the man from the plane? Was the CEO responsible for the 4 crew members not having space?

This situation showed us that perhaps airlines need a better policy. Here's an idea, save 2-4 seats open and fill them with waitlist once you know you don't need those seats. United is not the only airline that has this policy where they can remove people if need be. They are just the airline that had a man cause so much of an issue over it.

Most would have probably taken the voucher where they don't have to resort to selecting people to bump. The majority of the masses would have just left when the law enforcement got involved. After all, you are on a fucking God damn plane. Shit gets real on there. I don't even dare say the word bomb in any context.

Analogy: First, restaurants have a "We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service". We as patrons are not guaranteed goods or services even if we have the money. Same as just because we bought the ticket doesn't mean we are entitled to the voyage if the seat is needed.

Second, If a restaurant has been busy all day and the staff needs to eat, yes the restaurant needs to be better staffed and better prepared. But if the staff is starving or need a break, how can anyone deny them that?

We have to have some empathy and understand that no company nor person can predict all the variables, especially one as complex as aviation travel. Flying is traveling in the 3rd dimension. At an airport where planes are constantly landing and taking off. It's a very intricate dance that these big machines do to avoid collision. Weather is a huge undetermined variable. I was once on a plane where the printer in the cockpit did not work and they we were waiting for people to deliver a print out.

I'm normally very non-confrontational, if I don't agree with someone, I just stay quiet. Hillary vs Trump, team Hillary all the way, but one of my best friends was a Trump so I just kept my mouth shut.

So many people are outraged by United and I don't agree. United got put into a bind, and they acted according to written policy. No human should be dragged like an animal, but no civilized person should disobey law enforcement when it comes to aviation regulations. United was a host, it happened on their turf, they started it, but the outcome was all on the man and law enforcement alone. I simply cannot take all the United hate anymore. So I'm speaking up. I hope they do not suffer from this.

The One I Lost "It" To:

Denver, in combination with my 6 year mfc cam anniversary, the sheer amount of awesome models, I'm just overwhelmed.

On a personal level, I stayed with a friend of mine. I've known my friend since I was 11, we had classes together in the 6th grade. We then went to different schools there after but we reconnected in high school. I volunteered then later worked for a chiropractor's office and his dad used to be one of the doctors there.

In my senior year of high school I went to prom with his friend, him and I hooked up, I was his first kiss at age 19. We dated, he was my date to my senior prom. We even went on a trip to SF with my mom. After we graduated, we ended up losing our virginities to each other.

When I decided to have sex with him, I just wanted to be 80 and not regret who I lost it to. Part of me tries to preserve our platonic relationship because I want to make sure it stays that way.

It sounds all sweet and romantic but this was all in the course of a few months. He went off to bootcamp, I went off to college. When he returned from bootcamp we broke up. It lasted 7months, bootcamp included.

I met my college bf while he was in bootcamp. Yeah, I cheated on him while he was away at bootcamp with the college guy. I'm ashamed of it but he says he's over it. I was with the college guy for nearly 4 years. Meanwhile, he started dating a mutual friend. He was with our friend for God knows how long but it was too long for their own good.

Him and I hooked up once after college, I was single, he was not. I was not aware. The fact that he cheated on our friend with me, was kind of one of those things that made me tell myself to never be with this guy... ever. Not sexually, not romantically, I mean EVER. Perhaps in a weird way, we're even, if one were to keep score but I try not to do so.

This was long ago, before camming. I'm pretty sure that fact that I cam is one of the reasons he would never want to be with me, but that's inconsequential because I know it'd never happen for me.

Anyway, mom adores him, he loves her too. They are friends on Facebook. Him and I talk, he checks in on me. We care for each other. But we have no desire to be with each other in a romantic way. Me personally, the sex was just ok. He's a great guy, just can't imagine being married to the guy.

During the weekend models would ask where I was staying, it was hard to say my friend, or my ex? If I said ex, they'd ask if we still fuck. No. No thank you. I don't want that dick at all. If I say it's my friend, I feel like it doesn't fully explain the situation either. Not sure why I felt like I needed to explain anything but I overshare when I feel awkward in social situations.

My friend/ex is currently very happy in his relationship. I'm so happy for him because I've never heard him talk about this girl the way he talks about others. Before he's always known they were not "the one".

So I met her pretty much almost the moment I arrived on Thursday, we went out to lunch. With the high altitude, I had 2 beers before leaving, 1 during lunch and I was wasted. I don't think I made a good impression because after lunch, he dropped me off and I didn't see him again until Saturday. He came back to shower and change.

Prior to me visiting, he told me how he's never stayed at her place because she doesn't let him. Now that I'm visiting, he's not home at all.

Sunday I saw him for about an hour, 2 tops, where he drove me around to aerial studios to pass out fliers. Then took off again. That was the last I saw of him. A person I've known for 2/3rd of my life, I see him for a mere few hours in 5 days.

I made him a pot of chicken and potatoes before I left but it was because I thought to myself, what would your mom do? She loves to feed him and she'd make him food. It always makes me feel like a proper guest to make feel for my hosts when I'm staying over at their place. Hopefully she didn't take it the wrong way.

I just hate how I caused him so much trouble. If I had known his gf was going to be so not ok with me staying there, I wouldn't have gone. I would have just skipped Denver. We've known each other for over 2 decades, dated for 7 months, 3 or 4 of which where he was not even there. There's absolutely no chance of us having sex. What's the big fucking deal?

Like I told him, we know what goes on between the two of us, and we both know we don't feel that way about each other. But I don't know what it's like to be her, how she might feel. I'm not even sure how I would feel if I were in her shoes. I just wish for his sake that she trusted him. She doesn't know me, but she knows him.

I guess I do to and I've always thought he was kind of a cheater. Not necessarily physical but he dates, has his gf and he always has a female best friend that the gf is always worried about. I had my insecurities with this one girl. My friend had it with another girl. Now this girl is insecure about someone else, besides me. So perhaps she's justified to feel insecure because he has the tendency to not be friends with his gfs. For example, he confides in his female friends but not his gf. He will put his chick friends before his gfs, so perhaps that's what I need to remember. Is how shitty it felt when he would run off to go take care of his crying friend who's bf was a dick.

He seems to be a lot better now than before. At least he's putting her feelings first by avoiding me. Still part of me feels bad. I wonder how much it had to do with me being an ex. I wonder if it had to do with the fact that I'm a camgirl and she doesn't want him around a "sex worker".

I tried to tell when we were alone that he talks about her differently than anyone he's ever dated, but I was kind of wasted off 3 beers and I don't think it came off the right way.

He's the only person on my speed dial that's not my mom nor uncle. There are 3 people on this Earth that I have on my favorites list in my phone. I think I'm just afraid to lose the only non-family member on that list.

Maybe the problem is I need to work on my personal relationships with others so that I have other meaningful friendships.

Just a rant about some personal things that bothered me about my Denver trip. I can't identify the emotion I feel from it and my confusion is adding to my birthday blues.

Monday, April 10, 2017


When I was 8yrs old, I spent a winter attending 3rd grade in Kansas. Yes, the fucking state of Kansas. Theres nothing wrong with it, it's just flat, very flat. It's also conservative, which makes it an interesting setting for the rest of this story.

There were two girls who were best friends, and they both had a crush on the same boy.

*uh oh* Right?

Turns out, this boy had a crush on both girls.

Next thing I knew, the three of them were sharing one single seater couch in the library, sharing the same book.