The Icing on the Cake...

As some of you know, Panda_Rawr aka Joey Kim, is my favorite cam model and she never ceases to impress me.

I started out on MFC on April 1st 2011, doing what the other girls did, nudity and "public" shows. It made me miserable and I did not like it because:

1. During the shows, I did not like how people talked to me because I'm very sensitive. 
2. I felt compelled to do as people said because I'm a "people pleaser". The situation would make me feel anxious and I would get frustrated that I could not attend to all my tippers. 
3. I abhorred, loathed, despised, hated, resented looking at the "chat-sitters" who won't tip. I mean forget the talking part because quite honestly even if they did talk, I resented them because this is my source of INCOME. 

Everyone does it for the money, it's up to them whether or not they like it. I was not one of those people who liked it. I was online a few times a week, for a few hours, making enough to scrape by from check to check. I had to drink before I got on. That is not a way of life.

As I voiced my unhappiness, people told me about successful non-nude models on MFC, Panda_Rawr being one of them. Not having to spend much time thinking about it or even having to watch her, I made the choice to go non-nude in mid June. The moment I did, I no longer felt the need to be heavily intoxicated when I came online. I am not ashamed of being a cam girl. I do not judge other girls for doing public shows. I envy that they can do it, because I know that I can't. I think of it as an emotional weakness on my part.

With that said, I also like to spend money on MFC. It's my way of "courteously" reaching out to the girls because as a cam model, I'd feel less guilty for taking up another model's attention/time, if I didn't pay for it. I only tipped models that I like from being in their room, and I would relay that message in a "tip note". I once put in a series of tip notes to HollyHanna, saying how I admired her "cam-stamina". How I came from a site where everyone there knew of her and her fuck machine despite the number of other people that have it now. I literally gave my words value by putting them in the form of tip notes, and she was so grateful, because I could have effortlessly said it to her in chat. But not all models respond well to another model tipping them. I like the ones who genuinely appreciated my tips and what I was trying to say to them, in those tip notes. I did not like the ones who were thrown off and got defensive while I was tipping them because they acted as if I had ulterior motives.

After a full month of being non-nude in July, on August 1st, I heard Panda_Rawr is going for Miss MFC August. I wanted to show her how much meant to me, because she is one of those models who set the precedent for many other girls and me. I have always felt like owe my current state of happiness on cam to her. So I tried to relay my message with as much "value" as I could. I don't remember specifically how much it was but probably relatively small (in comparison) but it seemed big to me at the time. Then, I messaged Joey after my first time tipping her, apologetic, in case she was one of those girls who was going to think I had other reasons. I wanted to tell her I was just tipping because she's inspiring to me, not because I was trying to promote myself in her room (that is what some girls think). Her response was something I will never forget, "Don't ever apologize for your generosity". WHOA! I was struck with a big dose of graciousness! Seriously, I got the feeling I was talking to Mother Teresa.

I remember feebly trying to tip her throughout the month because I feared she would slip, and when the moment came. I cried in joy, joy for her, but it also gave me hope. Hope that a non-nude model can be Miss MFC, not just in the top 20, but MISS (*MOTHER FUCKING*) MFC. Till this day, that is what keeps me going. At the end of the month, while balling out of happiness for "Panda", she and her "crew" came into my room and showed their appreciation in the form of a "yellow wall" (pun was not intended but it is now). Till this day, that is one of the most epic gestures I've received from a model.

In April, I planned to live online in hopes of making the top 20. Joey was going for Miss MFC again, which does not conflict with my plans... so had to show her my support. This time around, I could "afford" more tokens. I just wanted to see her get 1st again, because the feeling of hope I got from seeing her become Miss MFC in August was priceless. She did something even more outrageous, she tipped me back (p.s. Kaileah and xWildthingx too), but it's so unexpected every time, I am moved to pieces. I used to be on a site where you can only private girls and that's what I did, to interact with other models. Out of 10+ models, I only had 1 other model take me private. I don't expect anything from someone when I do something, but I appreciate and hang on to the people that do give me what I give them. On MFC, I don't mean it as a tokens game, I give you and you give me, I mean whatever I got from a model, whether it's inspiration, laughs, motivation, appreciation, I tried to give back the only way I knew how, tokens.

On a "ledger" it may seem like a monetary relationship. It is, but it's far more. For 1 out of 5-10 girls who come to tip me for me liking/tipping them. That tells me whoever comes back to me, either like me or they are returning a gesture. Tipping back and forth is probably what meets the eye, but here's a peak of why I will continue to tip Joey/Panda.

"Public shows" vs. "non-nude" is this whirlwind/tornado/hurricane cyclonic conflict/battle/debate had me going nuts because I was struggling with my decision to be "non-nude". Without knowing my dilemma, Joey told me to follow my heart but I didn't know what my heart was saying. For days, I didn't respond. Then, when I did, I mentioned I might do public shows before I "quit".  Her response was, "I really am rooting for you and hope for the best, in whatever you decide to do. Because if you decided it's what you want, then it's what I want to see you do as well. Even if you ever decide to do something else. I'll be right here with you. :) I never thought anything you did was bad or wrong. The only bad or wrong is what you feel is not what you want for yourself."

Then it all clicked. I realized this whole public show vs. non-nude thing, was a battle of my head and heart. My head would start the fight,"Wow, one can make so much money doing public shows, oh but I can't do that emotionally, right, I hated the chat-sitters, and I'm happy now" and my heart would win because I'm happy. Then my head would start again, "... but the money...".

I realized what I said to her, came from my head and that my heart is what has won the fight each and every time. For a long time, I have had this internal conflict, the thought of $$, tokens, nudity, shows. I just didn't realize that it was my heart defending and shielding itself from the vicious thoughts of my head. Now I know where to allocate the root of those conflicts, ergo I know which to side with. That settles my conflict and there will never be a doubt in my head that being a non-nude cam model is what is in my heart.

What a class act! She got caught in my conflict, helped me realize what's going on, which led me to be firm about my decision, while not telling me what to do and telling me she's support me no matter what.

She's pretty awesome like that...

Underneath It All...

Today has been really emotionally draining for me. As some of you know my grandpa went into surgery on 3/31 because of colon cancer (note: I knew someone that died of colon cancer, and I've never EVER lost anyone I've cared about). His recovery has been rocky. My way of coping with all of it is to not think, talk or even feel anything about the situation. I couldn't remotely imagine losing anyone I cared about let alone my ideal man. April was tough online, but I danced in the drizzle as my childish attempt to distract me from the storm that was torturing my core.

My grandpa has not had an appetite since his surgery. He was already thin due to being bedridden and having a monotonous diet lacking in nutrition. Now he's managed to lose even more weight. My grandma is irresponsible when it comes to eating. She barely eats herself and what she eats depends on the cost. My grandpa's caretaker does not get paid enough to buy him food that is more "appetizing". My mom and I think it's the depression causing him to not want to eat, but in China, "psychology" and "depression" is a new age concept. The doctor's won't treat the depression, nor give him anything to stimulate his appetite.

I haven't talked about it because it's a problem most are too far to be in control of, it's depressing, and if you haven't realized, I'm a "don't ask, don't tell" type of person. I didn't see the point in talking about a situation that I couldn't control because I couldn't think of what else to do besides go back and feed him. I went back last September, my uncle in December, my mom in January, me in February, my mom in March, and my uncle twice in March and April. Since I couldn't go back in April. I felt powerless. I didn't want to think about it, talk about it, nor let it effect anyone else that cared about me. But I realized, instead of facing what was really hurting me, I directed my focus on trivial things to pass the time.

I'm sharing this now because after talking to my mom tonight, I was able to face what I've been running away from in my mind. I was able to think more rationally and got a series of ideas that would be the second best to me/mom/uncle going back. This has really given me some optimism and a moment to stop beating myself up because I feel so helpless.

It took getting eaten alive my mosquitoes in Miami and searching for home remedies to give me the idea of looking for natural appetite stimulants, (i.e. weed). Most people said wine, but he was an alcoholic, so there's no way my grandma would ever give him wine. Then weed, well that's illegal in China. A series of things, but there were a few that were the most feasible in terms of how easy it was to convince my grandma to give it to him. Ginseng, cranberry, ginger helps increase appetite. Someone suggested ice cream because it has a lot of calories and everyone loves it, well my grandpa LOVES ice cream. That's not expensive in China.  My grandma has ginseng and is not frugal with that because it's a supplement. She's just cheap when it comes to food. Who else does that sound like?

Anyways, it's worth a shot. Meanwhile, it takes a lot of anxiety off my shoulders.

EXXXOTICA Miami

Thursday: 

First thing in the morning, I missed my flight. Then both the airline and shuttle company did not take my "Orbitz confirmation number". They both asked for their own "confirmation number". By the time I got to the hotel, I was beat.

At night, I met JessicXrabbit (Natty) and we went to the MFC mixer together. I got to meet Leo, Jayln, among many others. I had Daisy Dukes point to me and say "Bubbles". That was the very first time someone recognized me as "Bubbles". That pretty much made my night, especially after Leo thought I was AstroKittie. The night was interesting. I had a great time talking to Amanda Mayhem. I was very impressed by Jayln's manners and how polite she was. But I am ashamed of my lack of manners because I failed to introduce Natty to the models that I've met before.

Friday: 

We left around midnight, and went back to my hotel and to cam. After Natty left, I stayed on cam. While I was still on cam at 8 or 9 in the morning, construction sat my hotel started, the noise was so loud it would make me lose my train of thought. Then the internet went out at 1PM. As the construction continues and I'm not able to be online, nor sleep. I called Orbitz. After having problems with the airline and shuttle company, the hotel was my final straw. The Orbitz representative called the hotel and the hotel said they would have to charge me for 2 nights because it was 2PM and check out was at 11AM. I had to go downstairs to talk to someone, that was just unfair, especially when most hotels offer late checkouts. Once again, they said they were going to charge me for 2 nights, but I stood up for myself. I said, "No, if you want to charge me for 2 nights, I will protest outside of your hotel, to make sure no one else checks in." The second time they came back, the woman said they would charge me for 1 night, if I can get out of my room ASAP. Of course! I took the opportunity and ran!!

At this point I hadn't slept for over 24 hrs. I put my stuff in ExoticLilyXO's room, got ready for EXXXOTICA and headed over. Friday at the convention I stayed behind the booth, as I had in January at AEE/AVN. At that show, there were more people who took pictures and took cards. At the end of the show, I had no where to stay, was not able to figure out my hotel situation, and I just wanted to go home. Cici_Diem invited me to her room, so I can figure my situation out. I found a place while she was on cam but it wouldn't let me book it for the current night. So we went to grab a bite to eat around 3AM, and she let me crash at her hotel.

Saturday: 

I went to bed around 4AM, at this point, I hadn't slept for over 40hrs. Woke up really exhausted. I had a great talk with Cici, she gave me a lot of great advice, and was able to make me things from a totally different point of view. I really appreciate her hospitality and her honesty. We had shots for breakfast.

Then I went to Lily's room to get my stuff, and checked into my new place. I was able to save $600 just from staying with Cici for a night, and changing hotels. That cheered me up so much! Met AstroKittie (Syd) and Lily at the beach for a photo shoot.

Then went to Cici's again to have a drink and go to the convention together. This day was different because I choose to stand in front of the booth, where, up until that point all of the models were behind the booth. I figured, I came to EXXXOTICA to promote myself and MFC. So I did exactly that because I'm in front of my room all the time. People took pictures of me, with me and I got to introduce myself, the site and pass out my cards. Despite it being the "worst" of the 3 days at the convention, in terms of tokens, it was more fun than the first day! I love getting my picture taken and I love taking pictures with people because everyone was really respectful and did not grab me or make me uncomfortable. Security was awesome and kept a close watch on me.

Had a group date with AstroKittie, ExoticLilyXO, Cici_diem, AriyahLane, and our surprise model guest Amanda Mayhem. It was really fun, but since I was dateless while most of the other girls were busy with theirs, I kind of just kept to myself with my phone and Twitter. I figured they all have one of their guys next to them, so I will be on a date with all of my Bubbies on Twitter! But I did manage to have a great talk with Syd (AstroKittie) she was trying to help me by telling me what she likes to do on cam, because I don't ever take the time to watch other girls for more than 5 minutes. Just from talking to her, throwing ideas back and forth, I got hit with a great idea (at least to try out) for my public room. Don't mind my frumpy dress... I forgot that I was going to go to dinner from the convention so yeah... frumpy dress...

Went on cam for a bit, and slept like a baby.

Sunday: 

Was able to find a convenient store meaning I was able to save a little bit more on my trip, which made my morning. I was now rested, hydrated and full. That was pretty fucking awesome. Went on cam, while waiting for Natty to get to my new hotel, so we can go to EXXXOTICA together.

Natty and I went to EXXXOTICA together. I did the same thing as I did on Saturday, which is stand in FRONT of the booth, taking pictures with people walking by, etc. I met the first guy who's ever had the nerve to introduce himself to me in person. He also brought me a little package, which I thought was really sweet. hen, I finally got the courage to go up to Ron Jeremy because I knew he would molest me if I did. He didn't disappoint! Ass grabbing, titty fondling, pastie sucking, Ron Jeremy. 

AstroKittie and I got interviewed by Aspen Rae and Jayln (what I call "the pillars of the site"), as well as got a picture of both on each side!! There was a person there that made me a bit uncomfortable with his picture taking because he was directing me to do raunchy things like bend over on the couch, spread your legs, etc I was too much of a push over to say anything. But looking back, I'll be able to deal with the situation next time. I just have to remember that I am the boss of me, not a guy. I struggle with the same thing with privates, I'll always do what I'm told if I have no objections. Like for example, someone who wants to watch a "panty stuffing show", I obey, feel bad, then know for next time. Now I will never say yes to it ever again. Sunday was the only day that I stayed till the very end because I didn't have any prior engagements and I was so pumped from the day. When I got back to my hotel I was beat. Tried my best to stay awake till the end of the raffle/ high tip contest. Went to bed around 12AM. 

Monday: 

I had a pretty awesomely mellow day. I had time to upload my videos from EXXXOTICA on Youtube, http://www.youtube.com/user/BubsPinkBubble?feature=guide. I wrote about most of my experience here in Miami in this current post. Towards twilight of the day, I went to the pool in an attempt to cam from a new setting. At the pool, they had covered canopies there, so I attempted to do privates. That didn't really work. I proceeded to try to do a countdown to a "public" event, where I ten got bitten by a bunch of mosquitoes from being outside and so sweet blooded. I must attract blood sucking things. After some panicking about the bites, I managed to do a kick ass shower group! Here's a picture of how messy I am!

Tuesday: 

My backpack broke. So I had to 'MacGyverBubs" it. At 12:30PM my shuttle was suppose to pick me up to go to the airport. This time I had the confirmation number for my shuttle, but they wouldn't take me because I didn't have the voucher printed out. The shuttle driver offered to take me for $20 cash, but since I already paid for it, I didn't want to pay for it again. Then, he offered to take me for $10 cash. I am stubborn, especially when the front desk lady told me there was a free hotel shuttle coming at 1PM. I asked if there was room for me, and she said, "yes". So, I waited for it. The 1PM shuttle was full. Now, I don't have a ride to the airport. I was trying to half a cab in the rain. I ended up paying $35 for a cab to the airport.



I saw a restaurant with the cutest name during my layover in Houston. I loved cuddling up on the plane with the headphones Bub's Booger spoiled me with for my birthday and before my trip

This is a video of me shooting a tennis ball with a .22 caliber pistol. At the end of the video, watch as I attempt to shoot off the string. Consider yourself warned!