I had 1 boyfriend in high school that lasted 1 month.
After high school, I lost my virginity to a guy I'm still friends with till this day. We joked about the name of our kids, but those will be kept imaginary.
In college I dated Dave for nearly 4 years. He used to call me "wifey" but then the nickname disappeared the same day that look in his eyes did.
After Dave, a guy proposed to me, got my name + date we met tattooed on his arm. But my insecurities made me hang onto him longer than I should have. It was selfish and wrong.
Once I started camming, all of it changed.
I didn't realize it till now.
I dated a guy who just wanted to be fuck buddies.
Then I tried to get over that guy by dating a guy who later told me he doesn't want anything serious with me because there are videos of me on the internet and he doesn't want to have kids and risk them finding videos of their mom on the internet.
I then ran away to NYC because I was dating a guy who I felt was in the process of ghosting me and I wanted to get the upper hand by moving away from him.
Once I moved here, I dated a guy who introduced me to his mom to spite her.
The most recent, it's too recent for me to comment.
My frustration and internal fight this whole time, was about this stigma of being a sex worker.
I went from being the girl that whenever I dated someone, I felt the pressure of them wanting marriage and kids.
Since being a camgirl, at best, people hesitate to bring me around to their loved ones, if they even choose to do so in the first place.
I still feel like a good girl. I'm passionate and loyal, but I don't know if I can live with the stigma of my choices.
I don't feel like I am myself, I feel like I am what I do for a living.
I've given up trying to fight it. I let my etsy shop go because I feel like I'm kidding myself and everyone around me.
I don't have talent, I had an ambition, but I lost that motivation because it's just a front.
It was my tool because I wanted people to see me as more than "just a camgirl".
But my pain, isolation, and loneliness is real. I can't drink, sleep nor wish it away. It's always there.
Did I change? Maybe I lost faith in love and then the way guys have treated me is a result of my own insecurity.
Or is there a stigma around what I do for a living?
Either way, I want to stop making excuses.
I know what I want.
I need a man in my life. I know all I need is one, I need to be his number 1, and I need that to be known/established.
I want women in our lives because I love tits, but I need to be in control and again, I need to be his number 1.
I feel like I am wishing to day walk with the sun and the moon, not impossible, but not probable.
My RV goal was motivated by my emotional turmoil and financial stress. I know that it will not ease my feelings, but I hope it will help my financial situation.
Still just wishing and hoping for a much needed change. Donations are much appreciated! https://www.youcaring.com/joybubs-1120531