Friday, November 18, 2016

Jenny Fucking Blighe

I've had a crush on Jenny's beautiful body since she made her appearance in the Top20. I remember introducing myself, and she was so chill. A lot of models can be difficult to approach for a number of reasons, and even after managing to talk to them, sometimes the response is not always positive or well received.

When I got to meet her, I was moved by her humility. She's incredibly humble.

We got to hang out in Dallas, the same night after my very first stripping experience. But she had no clue at the time, and I never put the two events on the same timeline until this trip. 

As we kept in touch, here and there she would suggest "working", and my insecurity would kick in and I would feel subpar to her in comparison of following and camscore. 

But coming to the realization that she doesn't make me feel bad about artificial things that don't actually define a person, made me realize just how fucked up the system is.

In a setting where we are constantly surrounded by people who praise us, we start to let that dictate our own self worth. We shouldn't feel like these things make us who we are. 

I admire Jenny for so many reasons, superficially, I love Barbie growing up and physically she may as well by ginger Barbie.

As a parent, the efforts she puts in is inspiring. I was raised by a single mom who sacrificed a lot of her life to give me everything she could possibly give me. I see that same spirit in Jenny. Everything she does, she does from the love of her children... children who are so beautiful, I miss them.

As a colleague, her content ideas, editing skills, and overall work ethic is en pointe. 

When I asked Jenny about us working together, I told her I am struggling as I am transitioning away from non nude. I feel lost and don't know what to do. I don't really know how to sell my body because for the last 6 years, I've been trying to sell my brains.

When I got home I had a friend ask if camming with Jenny helped financially. My response:
  • I didn't expect my time with Jenny to correct my own financial short comings, but I had fun making content. I'm happy to cling onto what I like about work so that I'm not resentful of it. My friendships and connections are keeping me in the game. I don't know if it makes sense but whether or not working with Jenny was a financial success, it was a personal success because right now I just need to hold onto what I love about this job, so that I work harder to make it work. Being around her, her kids, seeing how she is not on her phone when she's with her kids, those were breaks I needed and things I need to implement in my own life. I recently changed to a different work table and now it's not next to my bed. Even that minor change was huge. I was getting so bad, I would go hang out with a friend, and I'd bring my phone and be like "ok I have IG posts to catch up on". So next time we hang out, I’m going to try to not work because I want to be more present. I think all this extra time I put into camming, is making me resentful too, like I'm spending all this time, snapping, talking on snapchat, blogging, etc and my camscore is dropping and dropping, makes me kind of despise it all. So the fact she has a studio, drives there, comes home and is not working as much when she's with her kids it was so much healthier, which is not something most can do, but it's something we can try to implement. 
Jenny has a very mature outlook on GG cam shows, there are slow days and there are slow days with two girls, but ultimately the fact that two girls brings in more traffic. We shouldn’t be torturing ourselves with trying to analyze the situation. It’s easy to compare GG shows to our best solo days because we know what we’ve been capable of by ourselves. But all of that is luck and kismet.

If you are going to work together with someone: learn to share and respect one another.

Camscore, following, all of that means jack shit when you get on cam. Cam chemistry, member participation, off cam chemistry, content chemistry, it's never predictable and may not even overlap.

We talked about our cam anxieties, how we are anxious because the ups and downs make us unsure of how things will go. I had someone ask me when they will be getting the videos and I freaked because I am well aware of the to do list. I often find that sometimes external pressure from members will make the situation worse, and sometimes I will snap. Please be patient with me, I am trying my best.

Members please be patient with models, we are one person, there are limited hours in a day, between twitter, emails, MFC mail, snapchat, instagram, manyvids, videos, editing, profiles, these are all time consuming things we use and/or do as part of our on cam job OFF-cam. It's a lot.

Being around Jenny has probably been one of the most eye opening experiences. The way she separates her personal life from camming was extremely refreshing.

Hanging out with her and the kids, I turned my phone on airplane mode for the first time not on a plane so that I could be fully in the present moment. That was beautiful.

I've been feeling isolated due to the lack of connections with members but that's opened my heart to connections with people all around me. I've gotten closer with models who are amazing beyond words, members who are supportive of that fact that I am doing what I love and trying to find my happiness, and others I've met through my involvement in the industry. This is my own path, one that I've chosen for myself. 

Shoutout to Miss JennyBlighe. Thank you for being apart of my journey of self-discovery and sexual adventures. You are a fucking professional and I freaken love you.


There are many things I could, should, would apologize for but I don't have all day.

I am human and I have flaws. Many times we only see what we want to see because our ego is too strong to take in reality.

One thing I realize that I do not understand is the way you tell me you are "too shy" to talk to me in my room because I'm an introvert, I prefer to be by myself.

In person, sometimes I dress to intimidate and scare people off on purpose because I feel uncomfortable talking to strangers. But I force myself to go out of my comfort zone. A lot of times I use substances like weed or alcohol to help facilitate my social interactions but it doesn't always help. I'm a shit mess because I have always had a hard time controlling my alcohol intake. But that's my problem and I'm working on it.

But, I can't empathize with being "too shy" to type in a chatroom. When I'm staring at one or two members that can talk yet wont or refuse to talk, it's very frustrating. I don't really know how to deal with that frustration in a healthy way.

First, I am inclined to blame myself. That feeling of insecurity and self-consciousness makes me want to ban a person for not talking because they are making me feel bad about myself. Like there's something wrong with me that makes people not want to talk to me.

Lately, I've been inclined to drink, which is bad. It is bad because I am not treating my body with respect by self medicating when I know the root of this problem is the lack of room engagement when I am online begging for people to talk.

It does not take anything to acknowledge another person especially when you are sitting in a chatroom with me in my bedroom. This is a very personal space I don't just let people into my space.

You are not obligated to tip just because you are talking. With that said, at some point, if you can't tip, and you are keeping the model from engaging with other people then perhaps, you should reconsider doing something else with your time. I say this because sometimes someone will say to me, I wanted to private but I left because I didn't want to interrupt your conversation with so and so.

So I will try to cut you guys more slack and understand this too shy thing, have more patience when people are not talking as well as try harder to entertain but please try with me, acknowledge my presence and perhaps we can meet each other somewhere in the middle and start having some fun?

Monday, November 14, 2016

For The Record:

The one thing Jenny and I keep saying to each other about the night that we shot the BGG content, was how "fluid" it was.

We spent hours just playing around back and forth between her and I. Here and there we would remember that there was a cock around and we would use our stunt cock as needed. During our play time we managed to accumulate 4 hrs of content.

But for the most part we started with an idea, but it kind of went all over the place. Hot, steamy, fun, and most importantly: candid.

We spent another night watching the footages, laughing our asses off at what we know for sure are "bloopers". Admittedly, there might be footages where it's purely for our eyes only.

A 3rd night where Jenny edited 4hrs of content down to a 20minute video.

With that said, there is really no amount of slut shaming that will take this experience away from the fun that we have had.

This is why I tweeted and said,

"I'm 30 something fucking years old, if I want to film my 6th 3some and try to sell it for the 1st time why does it make me a slut or whore? I think it's called making a living doing something I enjoy. So fuck off. I'm a career camgirl, I EXPECT all of it to be free somewhere.

I'm sorry Mommy, I am not perfect but I conciously made all my own decisions because it's MY life and NO one elses. I carry the consequences

I remind myself "Hate"/"Love" is the same hormone oxytocin, known to create attachment. If they didn't care, they wouldn't troll.

I'm trying to live a life for myself and my own happiness and not someone else's, ie my mom or members. Please respect the spirit"

I mean honestly, I've been secretly wanting to do a double BJ vid with Jenny since hanging with her in Dallas Aug 2015. 

Hate, judge, whatever. I'm happy I got to cross something off my bucket list. So FUCK OFF HATERS!!! 

We need at least 1 person to buy the video for it to be leaked. Which means it will be the most I have ever made from the BGG fun that I have had in my lifetime. That's a win in my book. 

*Side note that might be TMI, I am hooking up with a person that I enjoy spending time with, I told him about this trip and potential BGG stuff because I didn't want anyone to get hurt. I had fun making content, I do not feel ashamed about the fun I had and the content we recorded. I think it looks hot as fuck, a little awkward to watch at first because I've never seen myself do stuff to a cock on film before. But I don't feel like I was not loyal. I feel like an adult who is being honest with herself and the people around her. 

**Also feeling like I need to mention I like 3somes because of the girl while the cock has its uses. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2016


I have been administered 3 IQ tests in my life:

  1. The first was my senior year of high school, I scored 144. 
  2. The second was in college, I got 144 (yet again). 
  3. The third was actually part of a job interview post college, and I was stoned as fuck. I scored 153. (Which IQ does increase with age but I've always been amused at the fact that I was really high, that fact has always enabled my love of weed). 
With that said, I may be bright and clever, but I am so not personable. I have a really hard time making connections with people, and they often think I'm a bitch or that I don't like them. People who's work I admire, I have a hard time expressing myself without raving about them, which can make people uncomfortable because I think they question how genuine it is given they don't know me and I don't actually know them. 

So the friendships that I have formed with others in this industry has always came before the "work" aspect. I have always tried to preserve those friendships over trying to make money with said individuals. When I talk about my friends, I would just use their nicknames or something instead of their screen names because I always felt like when I said their screen names out loud and I heard myself talking, I didn't want to seem like I was name dropping. 

But honestly this normally isn't a problem. But I worry way too much, and it's gotten so much worse lately. The only way I can seem to hush the self doubt is with alcohol. I can't seem to even pretend to be confident lately and it's driving me nuts. I have so much going for me yet I can't seem to make any of it work for me. I see my ideas left and right, but I feel like I'm slipping into the shadows. I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I don't know what I'm doing. 

So how do I stop this downward spiral of a negative shit show waiting to happen? 

Be more alert, the substances are not really helping the being alert thing. After this weekend, I'm going to have to cut back on the self medicating. (Yes, I'm well aware, but shit like this is easier said than done). People kept telling me about parts of the weekend that I don't remember, that scares the shit out of me. 

Start focusing on the task at hand. My attention span has been extra short lately. I'm not getting a lot of things done. That's probably another reason why I feel shitty about myself. I keep thinking I need to do things that I don't end up doing. 

Setting goals and achieving them is important. 

I was feeling unhappy with my body, so I've been working out, I'm starting to see changes and that's making me feel better about my appearance. 

But I just don't feel good about myself on the inside either. I've been doubting my creativity. All my paintings on my wall, I'm not impressed with them, I think they are average. So I have I feel uninspired to draw or paint. 

I had a trouble with the aerial section of my Etsy shop, where the chains are changing color but I can't find a cost efficient replacement, and that's been stressing me out. 

Camming has been so foreign to me while I've been trying to be less "non-nude". Seeing names that are there and not doing anything just seems so pointless to me, I end up banning room sitters which is really bad because people take it so personally when in fact, I don't know them. 

I just don't feel like I'm doing anything right. 

Ok refocus. Someone suggested I replace thoughts with things I'm grateful for, I'm grateful for the friends I have. I'm grateful I can honestly say to someone, "Hey I need help." and have a person say, "I am here for you". That is so so so amazing. I'm afraid to ruin it. Which is where I need to remember that it's thinking like this that starts the downward spiral of doubt. 

Ultimately I know I need the approval of others to feel good about myself, and that needs to change. I know I need to live my life for myself, throw in the towel and say fuck it! 

So goals this weekend: HAVE FUN! If I doubt myself, it will show instantly, remember who I will be with, if she didn't want to work, she wouldn't have offered. So I need to stop believing I'm subpar. I have definitely toned up since we made the plans. I'm excited about this, focus on the excitement. 

Remember to orgasm and get sufficient sleep or else I'll get grumpy. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2016


Today someone says to me in PM,

"Work sucks, need a new place to live, thinking of changing career fields, just everything going in life is hitting all at once".

Me personally, I find that when I'm unhappy that's when I start to reflect a lot about why I'm unhappy and I start to make changes.

After the rape threats from one of my top members, earlier this year, I was feeling really unhappy with my job as a camgirl. So I started to reflect about what makes me happy as a camgirl.

  • I like to get paid to orgasm. 
  • Camming has meaning for me when I build connections with people. (This has been lacking.)
  • I love the flexibility both in terms of time and location. 
  • It's given me the freedom to do a lot of things I want and have only dreamed of prior to it. 
  • It's lead me to some of the most open minded and awesome people I've ever met. 
So I decided to try harder to reconnect with past members, and interact with the new because I've decided to recommit myself to my job. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Eyelash Glue:

My recent hunt for the strongest black eyelash glue has lead me to some favorites so I thought I'd write a post and save you all the hassle. I love black colored glue because I wear black eyeliner coloring the lash of the false lash black via glue makes the line less visible. In order of favorite:
  1. Kiss I Envy Super Strong Latex Free (This is my favorite, there's a rubber alternative.)
  2. Kiss I Envy Rubber Type 
  3. Marie Beauty 
  4. Callas (This I don't really like because it's tinted navy blue.)
  5. Duo (This I don't like because it's not very "black" and it doesn't really stick well.)
Oh and the Asian brands are so much stickier than the Western brands. Duo/Ardell/Revlon suck.