Friday, October 28, 2016

Bleached Blonde:

My hair is currently bleached 3 times. I use purple shampoo, conditioner and treatment that acts as a brass banisher.

Macadamia is one of my favorite hair brands, I use the hair masque, oil, leave in conditioner, and detangling spray.

But because I still wake up with dry nappy hair, to instantly revive it, I wet my hands & add Macadamia Leave in Conditioner. This is bring back the softness and texture that is doesn't feel as crisp as bleached hair.

I'm also really loving this floral Batiste Dry Shampoo

This is what I am currently using on my hair to try to keep it from feeling like straw. Is it the best on the market? How can anyone truly know, or even know what works best for them except trial and error?

It's the same with the skin products I use. I always like to try new things that target my own skin problems: big pores + combination skin. Hence, my favorites may work for me but not for others. This goes for all skin bloggers. There are certain products that a lot of people/bloggers happen to like P50 Lotion is one of them.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Bubs NYC Favs:

Fav Food (not in order) : 
  1. Smorgasburg (seasonal food vendor gathering)
  2. Artichoke Basille’s Pizza ANY location (different take on NY pizza, but MUST)
  3. Kenka (Japanese) & Big Gay Ice Cream 
  4. Flushing (Northern Chinese, this place reminds me of my childhood in China & gets me teary)
  5. Fish (steamers, fisherman’s stew, seafood galore in a casual setting)
  6. Flex Mussels (mussels cooked any way which way)
  7. Halal Guys (crazy famous food stand)
  8. Congee Village (Southern Chinese)
  9. Red Hook Lobster Pound (Lobster Rolls, 3 different kinds, multiple locations)
  10. Get a hot sausage at a hot dog cart, ask for everything on it. 

Fav Places
  1. Roof Top Bar at the Metropolitan Museum of Art as a beautiful view of the park. 
  2. The Met is the best PERIOD and it's pay as you wish. 
  3. The park, Central Park (it closes at 1am, don't get a trespassing ticket like me).
  4. Imagine in Strawberry Fields (also in the park).
  5. Natural History Museum (this is part of the park and also pay as you wish, seeing a theme?)
  6. Brooklyn Bridge 
  7. Williamsburg (flea markets, artsy stuff)
  8. The piers in Brooklyn has a pretty view of Lower Manhattan (9 is near)
  9. Koreantown (great Korean food, most restaurants on this street are open 24/7)
  10. Union Square (great for people watching during the day)
  11. Chelsea Market (food)
  12. Aquarium Near Coney Island (because fish are so peaceful)
  13. 59st Roosevelt Island Tram (the city from a birds eye view, great for sunset time)
  14. Staten Island Ferry (the free way to see the Statue)
  15. 9/11 Memorial (so sad)
  16. Movies in the park (but not “the” park, summer thing be wary of mosquitoes bring repellant)

NYC seasonal events
  • Summer- street fairs, smorgasburg, French Film on the Green, films in Bryant Park (HBO?) 
  • Winter- winter markets, ice skating

Tourist things I do not like doing
  1. Time Square during the day. I suggest at least after midnight but leave before 2am. 
  2. Any super touristy thing during the day is annoying, but maybe I'm just a night owl. 

Things I want to do
  1. Coney Island
  2. Mets vs Giants game
  3. Museum of Sex
  4. Actually go to Ellis Island to see the Statue
  5. Empire State Building
  6. Chrysler Building

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Self Discovery:

For others to understand the cam world, beyond the stigma and their prejudices, we need to start talking openly about the impact it has on us personally. (I'm preparing myself to ask my mom if she wants to know what I do for a living because I would really like to explain what I do, why I did it, why I choose to keep doing it, what I have learned and what I hope to gain from this).

Here is one of my reasons I truly appreciate about my job as a cam girl:

For me, I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me, I feel inadequate when people do not like me. When I talk to people face to face, it can be very over-whelming for me because while I'm talking I'm also hyper aware of their mannerisms. From the expressions on their face, gestures, body movements; people say way more than what the ears hear.

This makes it very exhausting for me to be around a lot of people or to be in crowded spaces because I am constantly trying to take in all of the stimuli. This is why I bring cigarettes to bars/conventions/parties etc, I need an excuse to get away from people. Alcohol is my social lube.

Camming is unique because it takes that factor out of the equation. It gives me the ability to talk to people without seeing their body language helps me think without the distraction of analyzing how they are reacting. This makes it easier for me because I'm not as fixated on how they are taking something, I'm more focused on trying to express myself properly.

I've expressed to my mom before that I have a hard time finding the words to express myself verbally, while something is happening. But after the moment is gone, I'll realize what I was thinking or I'll put words to emotions, but I'm unable to do that on the spot because I am so caught up analyzing other things.

Trying to go outside of my comfort zone and talk to people. It makes me feel really awkward. But once I start talking, the self-doubt subsides a little. Being on cam is helping me be able to speak my mind more so in person.

One of these days I'm hoping to be able to speak my mind in a healthy way, not bottling it up and/or being passive aggressive.

After 6 years on cam, I'm still learning and trying to figure myself out. This is what I really appreciate about my job. The freedom to do whatever, which gives me the ability to find myself, at my pace, through the choices I make. They may not be the best or smartest choice, but they are mine, and if I make a mistake, I will try to learn from it. But I've always been the type to learn by actually doing, fucking shit up, and trying to pick up the pieces.


Monday, October 17, 2016

Biologique Recherche P50:

I recommended this to a model earlier today. This is a cult classic that skin bloggers/vloggers rave about.

There are 6 different versions available, P50 (original), P50V (mature skin), P50W (sensitive skin). Each of these these three come in the original 1970 formula and the new phenol-free formula.

I love my p50 new version, but it takes getting used to because of the "purging". Not all experience it. So, I highly recommend reading the different reviews about it because everyone's skin is different and will have various experiences with it.

But overall, it's not drying like most Western toners. It restores the PH balance. It's list of ingredients are simple and natural. Asian toners are different. There's more info about other skincare products here ->

I don't really feel the need to write any more on the this because there have been so many in-depth reviews about this product that surpass my knowledge and writing ability.
I like this review because it has a break down of the ingredients to help users pick between the original vs new formula.
This blogger references a lot of posts in her review about P50.
Allure fav.
Beauty editor calls it, "Miracle in a bottle".
NY Mag calls it, "Jesus in a bottle".
HG product, "If you’re going to walk away from this post and choose to invest in only one of these products, there’s no doubt that it should be the P50."

Is it the best on the market? How can anyone truly know, or even know what works best for them except trial and error? I always like to try new things that target my own skin problems: big pores + combination skin. Hence, my favorites may work for me but not for others. This goes for all skin bloggers. There are certain products that a lot of people/bloggers happen to like P50 Lotion is one of them.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Bubs Random Hobbies

Useless Talent #12

Hazard to Myself:

*Note, this is not a cry for help.

(Made that mistake once before. Once, I was a little too candid about my feelings on a forum that's private and seen by my colleagues only (aka models), where I thought I was safe to share my thoughts. Then, a member told me about how a model told him I was thinking about harming myself. Thanks. BTW January 2016 my mom's best friend's daughter took her own life, that moment, I promised my mom I would never do that to her. So no matter how dark I feel. I'm a woman of my word.)

With that said, I will try my best to make this as coherent as possible because I'm realizing something about myself and I want to sort out my thoughts:

I am my worst critic. I am such a perfectionist, and get so fixated on things it's borderline destructive. When I'm having a bad day, I get so caught up in blaming myself for my inadequacies as a model and a person, I basically just shut down. I find it difficult to pull myself out of that downward spiral mentality where I just beat up on myself nonstop.

I feel like all I've been doing on cam is letting the pace in the last 6 months get to me. Ever since I received that anonymous tip note threatening to roofie and rape me, in March. Then, I found out he was one of my top members that I had met. I've been trying to get back in the groove. I'm so caught up in my head and how people think I'm boring, "pregnant", or wondering why people don't like me. I feel so inadequate to even give models the advice they are seeking because I'm so humiliated by my own inability to really engage with my room. I feel like a deer caught in headlights post MFClife. It's like the plague and it's hard for me to bring myself to move.


Mental health has been a topic I've seen here and there on Twitter. I don't like to discuss this because of the stigma and prejudices people have towards it, but here it goes:

My grandma is OCD, so is my mom. People think that OCD means someone is a neat freak, that is false. I am not a neat freak at all. I'm a mess inside and out. I frequently find myself being obsessed about something, and then I still can not stop myself from the compulsion to act on it.

"Bipolar" runs in the family too. I HATE to admit it because of the negative connotation it has, and the misconceived notions people have about it. Everyone experiences ups and downs, I experience them more drastically. My perception of the world is amplified in many ways. I am very sensitive to emotions, expressions, feelings? Call it intuition? So sometimes when people talk to me, I have a way of reading between the lines that people find striking, but like I said, words have connotations/meanings, the words you choose to type/use, all have emotion that say beyond what you realize.

I believe my heightened sense of perception and awareness is also what makes me creative as well. I see the world, and I can't help but break it down by colors and shapes because that's how I make sense of it. I think because I'm so sensitive, it also takes me a lot to excite/motivate me. I get bored easily, have a short attention span, I tend be a bit of a thrill seeker and procrastinator.

I'm usually aware of whether I'm feeling elated/manic, or when I'm feeling really down/depressed but that doesn't mean I can do much about it. I don't think this makes me "crazy" as people might associate with the word "bipolar". When I'm elated, I'm hyper sexual, talk very quickly from topic to topic, don't sleep as much, have new business ideas, very textbook. When I'm bummed I just don't want to move, I sleep a lot.

Ok enough background. Now, my upbringing:

From 2-7 I was raised by my maternal grandparents in China. My grandma is just, I don't know how to explain it except she's so negative, pessimistic, cruel, pathetic, almost borderline evil, but evil would imply having knowledge of how bad you are? I don't know if she knows how much pain she causes people by the nasty words that come out of her mouth. My first trip back to China after leaving at 7 was when I was 9. I wore these clip-on earring because I wanted to look mature for my grandma and the first thing she said when she saw me was that, "you look like a whore". Slut shamed by my grandma at 9 years old. The list goes on and on, including telling me she wishes I was never born but the earrings incident was one of her earlier criticisms.

My grandpa is the most thoughtful person I know. Family meant everything to him. He always took care of his family, and constantly thought of us above all. People think I'm thoughtful, that's him. It's really weird being raised by the person you love most in the world and the person you hate most in the world. I say that with absolute certainty that my grandpa is the best person I've known my whole life, and my grandma is the ugliest person I've known.

My grandma is emotionally abusive, and physically abusive growing up. My mom, as close as my mom and I have been, as candid as we have been, she has her dark side that she gets from my grandma. The same dark side I hate about myself, and the reason I can't even stand to look at my grandma in the eyes. I'm afraid to look into an empty vessel.

My mom has had her moments where she is the same, emotionally abusive, and physically abusive. She's gotten a lot better because we don't live together.

I've mentioned that I don't like spanks, and that it has to do with me getting them as a kid. My grandma used a broom handle, my mom used a rolling pin. At one point in my childhood, my mom punished me by making me hit myself. So now, I hate spanks. The concept of me being made to inflict pain on myself was traumatic and I don't like it. But I love spanking others and spanking really hard. I get off on it. Sadistic. I know.

It doesn't actually matter that I inherited their fixation on things and the sense of obligation to do them. I doesn't matter how I constantly hear my grandma's voice in my head picking at everything I do. What does matter is what I will do about it.


I have to be mindful to be positive because I don't want to turn into my grandma. Whenever I see her, the things she says, I fear that's what I may become. This persistent self-loathing and criticism is so destructive to my psyche I am literally paralyzed by it. I just sit there and I can't even move because I get so down on myself.

A thought I had earlier today was I miss the guy who saw me for the best part of me, the guy who was so positive he saw me for who I wish I was (or am? IDK sorry grammar freaks I struggle with tenses). I don't miss him because he turned out to be a jerk. But I miss how I felt when I talked to him. It was nice to talk to someone who believed in me. Someone who saw the good in me, when I know I'm not all good. He was the only person that I met who made me feel that way. So it made me think:

I want someone like that in my life. 

But before I start looking, I need to stop beating myself up. I need to stop comparing myself to other girls who are more successful. That's my grandma. That's her voice in my head. I need to channel my grandpa's genes, yes he was an alcoholic but he was and still is the best person I know by far. It's why I'm so proud to be an alcoholic and I say alcoholics are my favorite people: my grandma is allergic to alcohol.

My MFClife experience has been quite moving. I was well aware of how manic I was from the lack of sleep and level of elation, also knowing that a crash would follow. Models, their light and positivity constantly remind me which direction is the higher ground. I need to be more aware of my thoughts because I am poisoning myself. It is impacting my experience on cam so much it's toxic and I am tired of feeling insecure, inadequate, and subpar. That's why I could no longer be friends with someone who's actions made me feel just that.

I shouldn't need someone to make me feel better. People's actions shouldn't dictate my emotions PERIOD. I need to not let others dictate how I feel about myself. Maybe it's time to grow up, do that adulting thing people try to do.

I don't think I can start being a fully functioning adult, until I truly start loving myself. Because as much as I love to "fake it till I make it", to some extent, that's also a really fancy and fluffy way to say, "I'm in denial".

I don't want to just get by, live or be like "The mass of men", in the Thoreau quote and lead a life "of quiet desperation". I want to thrive.

It's easy to idolize camgirls because you see what we want you to see, and then it gets harder to admit that we are not perfect.

I still feel like a kid in a grown up world, lost, confused, unsure, but I'm not helping myself by being so hard on myself.

Still trying to remember that Ghandi said in a very long winded way, that changing destiny starts with changing thoughts...

Thursday, October 13, 2016

👻 Bubspinkbubble: Takeover

👻 Bubspinkbubble: Takeover

10/12/16 First day of Winter_xo's two day takeover! 

Here's her twitter
This is a FREE and private snapchat used to promote models who want to expand their fanbase. I don't charge the guys nor girls for this nor do I profit in any monetary way, hence I do not tolerate texts/pics/videos being sent to this account. Those are privileges that come with purchasing my personal snapchat. But when girls are doing a takeover, whether or not they desire the communication, it is up to them. But hopefully you will respect their time as you respect mine and get their personal snapchat.

This can only be viewed by those who add this account.

Models please contact me via twitter for takeover inquiries!

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Day 4: Snapchat 👻 BubsBunnies, 10/12/16

👻: BubsBunnies

Day 4: Opportunity cost goes hand in hand with yesterday's topic of cost-benefit analysis. Yes, it doesn't cost anything to work on something yourself but you also have to consider how much your time is worth, i.e. if you were online and working.

Cam girl shopping advice: (SEO is important, as a buyer think like a seller. As a seller think like the buyer. Notice how they tag things).

A little about the different webcams I've tried and my thoughts on the new c922.


After 6 years on cam, I find that I get comfortable & lazy. Thanks to the advice from BubsBunnies I'm reminded to go back to the beginning or the basics.

Trying to kick off a little side project so that we can learn from each other. I'm seeking answers by sharing knowledge from the collective.


Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Day 3: Snapchat 👻 BubsBunnies, 10/10/16-10/11/16

👻: BubsBunnies

Day 3: Don't judge others on how they spend their money. Don't let other's judge you. Cost-Benefit Analysis is important when you are self-employed. Sometimes hiring professional help is the best way to do something you may never get to without the hired aid. Be mindful and be careful of who you tell about your job or where you live.

Next: Camgirl Shopping 101

After 6 years on cam, I find that I get comfortable & lazy. Thanks to the advice from BubsBunnies I'm reminded to go back to the beginning or the basics.

Trying to kick off a little side project so that we can learn from each other. I'm seeking answers by sharing knowledge from the collective.


Monday, October 10, 2016

Day 2: Snapchat 👻 BubsBunnies, 10/09/16-10/10/16

👻: BubsBunnies

This second day touches base on cam anxiety, and how to get more viewers. I would have preferred for a model that''s more successful answer it but hopefully, there's still some good advice here. Drink your water!

So above I mentioned:
After 6 years on cam, I find that I get comfortable & lazy. Thanks to the advice from BubsBunnies I'm reminded to go back to the beginning or the basics.

Trying to kick off a little side project so that we can learn from each other. I'm seeking answers by sharing knowledge from the collective.


Sunday, October 9, 2016

Useless Talent #34

Something to break up the tone by providing some art videos!

Here's a compilation of some videos but not limited to all of the PaintNite videos.

My artwork is available

I always say that everyone is an artist, just have to find your medium. PaintNite is pretty awesome because painting plus booze? What more can an alcoholic artist ask for? This is a really good way to get out of the nest to do something social and fun.

Music my various artists.

Day 1: Snapchat 👻 BubsBunnies, 10/08/06

👻: BubsBunnies

After 6 years on cam, I find that I get comfortable & lazy. Thanks to the advice from BubsBunnies I'm reminded to go back to the beginning or the basics.

Trying to kick off a little side project so that we can learn from each other. I'm seeking answers by sharing knowledge from the collective. The first day has been interesting. Funny I just like bunnies and that's why I use the filters, didn't realize it corresponded with the snapchat name too... haha.


My Cam Story from MFClife 👻

I wasn't sure but it seemed like it got cut off on MFClife? I wish I could have included that part about MFC teaching me to dance like I do in my underwear inside out in public.

It actually happened to me in Ohio, I was dancing in the bar, my idol Stoya was there, my crush Babe, all the models, and when I was dancing, I felt it and I thought to myself, "OMG this is how I dance when I'm at home on cam." I've had guys try to hit on me with the pick up line, "How often do you dance around by yourself in our underwear". I laughed at him and I thought to myself, "Every fucking day." I don't think there's any job that let's you do that....

Shooting the Tennis Ball off the String Again

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Bubs MFC Snap Ladies:

When MFC made a snapchat, my initial reaction was there are 365days/yr, and thousands of models. We would have to share it a little so that we can give more models face time.

Then I started thinking about my hypothetical takeover, who I would share my day with. I originally wanted to share it with my two closest cam friends: Sky and Hubs.

Then when MFC ask for "a short creative video",  and MyFreeCams later asked me to do a takeover:

I started thinking about the models in my life who make me who I am, and models who I admire, and admire for multiple reasons. I went through the list of models on my profile. I looked at the thread of models who submitted a creative short video because these are ladies who want to get it. I checked out ladies who've retweeted my #freethenipple picture (StefanieJoy, ScarletRaven, SilverCowgirl, JennyBlighe) because some models see retweets as promoting other models and they don't retweet others.

(This list is not limited to these ladies because I did not have a chance to ask everyone while others also turned me down. This is just a more detailed explanation of how the list of my snap day came together).
    1. WildeSky and I are friends in our personal lives. I say this because we spend more of our time together off cam than on cam. Same goes for my friendship with Mel. Despite how we are all camgirls, when I hangout with either of these ladies, we rarely cam together. WildeSky and I are friends because she has the biggest heart of anyone I know. I empathize with her sensitivity, and we are very similar in many ways. She's helped me through 2 deaths this year, and my stalker issue. Despite all that I know she has going on in her own life, she always stops to ask me, "How are you". That is something I need to work on: talking less about me. 
    2. JennyBlighe- While Jenny is huge in the camworld being a former MissMFC, amongst one of many achievements. Her content is unique. I started out as a fan, but she didn't treat me like a fan, she treated me like an equal, and didn't judge me by my camscore. I admire her grace when it comes to what she has going on in her personal life. So I really wanted to ask her a few questions about it to give people more insight beyond her hotness. 
    3. BabeVonDetta- she's just a babe what can I say? Her kisses be like whoa! We also got acquainted during the same game of all girl Spin the Bottle. Between her sense of humor, which literally makes me write, "Laughed Out Loud" vs LOL, her strength and her off cam life. I like her honesty. She's honest to her room about her personal life, and honest about her job to people in her personal life. That's not easy to do. It's not easy to tell your cam room yeah I'm dating, have a bf, or husband. It's not easy telling your friends/family yeah I'm a camgirl. (You've heard my story, and heard how that's gone for me when I have been honest). 
    4. StefanieJoy- I really admired her when she shared her story with me and a group of girls during a game of all girl Spin the Bottle at Exxxotica Ohio. I came back feeling so renewed from the connections I formed in Ohio. I wrote a blog about the social stigma of camming. Stef replied, no one ever does, and she shared her story in the comment area. I admire her strength, I know she loves this industry and she works really hard. I wanted her to be able to share her bravery, be recognized for her hardships, and overcoming them.
    5. RedChasten- I've watched online before Exxxotica Ohio for her hooping on cam, but I forgot her screen name so it took me a day to introduce myself to her. During that same game of all girl Spin the Bottle, Red told us about her and her friend Kate being "outed" to their WHOLE town! I've always wanted to live in a small town but... 
    6. Miss_Lollipop- I looked at the thread of model submissions, because obviously these are girls who want it. There, Lacey/Miss_lollipop's video popped out, but I remembered how I first found out about Lacey. A very public New York Times article about camming. I added her and throughout the years, seen things like animal shelter projects, her project which is a business DEDICATED to HELPING models. 
    7. ScarletRaven- I've just always love her campaign about spreading positivity and #pussypower. Her comment on the lack of comradery kind of nailed what I was going for when it came to why choose these ladies. These ladies have a selfless quality that I admire and strive for. 
    8. SilverCowgirl- Ella was my wildcard, because admittedly it started with someone commenting on my #freethenipple picture and it directed me her way. From there I saw her retweet, and just really dug everything about her. She's creative, fun, and has a very similar and familiar sense of dorky humor. Yet she's cultured and deep. 
Experience, passion, positivity and heart is not defined by rank, camscore, following, or even duration as a cam model. 

We've been going in circles thanking each other. I choose these ladies as my way to thank them for what they do. They keep thanking me but this was my way to thank them for setting a good example in our community.

We've spent about 4 days in a group chat with each other and that experience in itself, the stories we've shared with each other. We are all impacted by it. Thank you all for taking time to watch to much content.

Let's all #payitforward spread positivity and sincerity. Guys may not be able to tell when you are naked on cam, but your colleagues can. My sensitivity is a blessing and a curse, but it makes me attuned to kind/generous/positive people vs selfish/negative people.

I will probably have to make another post about the whole impact it's had to me but that is too fresh right now. I'm still just feeling the feels and don't know how to describe in words yet.

Women like AmberCutie (her forum but don't know her), AliceBiscuit (love her music but I think she is a little MIA), AustinWhite (unique burlesque/latex life), AstroDomina (unique DomLife but doesn't cam as much), Christy_love (works so hard and always smiles), VeronicaChaos (just so creative), came to mind but for different reason I did not get a chance to ask, but shoutout!

I tried asking ForestBonnie for her amazing body paint work, TNR work for stray cats in the city, she makes amazing profiles and lives with a roommate who also cams! She's super creative and I'm happy she got to showcase their MFClife!