I've been unhappy because I'm ashamed of what I do for a living. I try to ignore it by focusing my attention on different things, things like working on my etsy and pursuing other passions. I travel to conventions to flood and desensitize myself with all the sex stuff. Making connections with members and models gives me meaning to camming. I visit my colleagues because I love the company of fun, beautiful, talented, bisexual women.
I tell people I'm an artist. When people do know I'm a camgirl, I feel liberated. Sometimes the people I tell judge me. I hate that. Nothing hurts more than being judged by my life long friends, which I've lost when I first started camming, before MFC. I lie because I don't want to lose people to what they think about me. #abandonmentissues. I need to realize those people are not worth my time and I need people that love me and accept the camming part too.
I guess I should add that my family doesn't know (I don't want my mom to knowingly lie to her friends about what I do for a living), my friends do (the ones who are ok stayed), dating it depends, I used to tell before getting involved but I think they thought they were dating a porn star or something. Now I start with the artist story.
I want people to like me for who I am. But before I do, I have to like me as a camgirl first.
I haven't done much nudity in public chat because I don't want to draw the wrong crowd: unstable, emotional, sensitive, underage, local, and perhaps familiar people that could be watching.
I'm afraid for people to see me naked because I believe nudity is a privacy and that it's personal. But I'm realizing that privacy can be given as well, we can choose to surrender glimpses of the flesh in certain moments if we feel like it. I used to think naked was the treat for loving the personality. Perhaps personality is the treat after naked?
After being stalked, threatened, terrified, seeing how so many of my colleagues have gone through similar situations and dealt with it. I've realized that people getting too attached comes with the trade. It will never be any less scary, but we have to be brave and deal with it. Pray to be lucky enough to have an arsenal of good friends to help.
What do I want to portray? I can be anyone but I want/need to be myself.
Who am I? What do I know about myself? What is it I want people to know about me? I need to remember this for when people start judging me. So I can remember that I am worthy and awesome.
I'm smart and college educated. I'm passionate, when I love, I love hard. I think that comes out in all the ways I feel like I need to express my feelings creatively. I'm a mess. I'm surprisingly good at a lot of random things I try.
I live to enjoy myself. I love to get paid to make myself orgasm, because I'd do it anyway, so getting paid for it is pretty awesome. I'm lazy and I love being in my bed. But camming has meaning when I have an impact on people, whether it's members or models. I have been a camgirl for the last 6 years, I've met some of the best people in this time. It's been a journey. After looking at/trying other things, I still want more.
I do a lot of dumb and naive things because I trust my judgement of people. I don't always have the best judgement and I have the tendency to ignore red flags. My ego makes it so that I am in denial a lot. I have an addictive personality. I seem to be a mild thrill seeker.
There is a blurred line between lust and love. When your like/love what you do and it's your life, the lines get blurry too.
What will make me happy, being honest. Honest with myself, and those around me. Make friends that don't judge me. Find someone to love me for me, crazy, passionate, messy, camgirl, artist, addict, self. (someone who understood that last sentence ha). #goals
Camgirls: What do you tell people you do for a living? Parents? Dates? How do you live and deal with the stigma of being a camgirl? Have you ever had a stalker? How did you deal with it?
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
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