Tuesday, May 22, 2018


I am upset to tears right now and I don't think I can even try and attempt sleep until I just ramble out words.

Around the age of 14-15, my mom told me "All men cheat. If they don't do it they think about it." She later proceeded to tell me that every guy she's ever dated or married has cheated on her.

At 16, that's exactly what I repeated to the first boy I kissed.

My mom, she had an abortion before she got pregnant with me because she was unsure about the status of her marriage. She had me and left me to be raised with my grandparents at 2.

She was scared of my biological father to the extent she told me she would check his bag for a gun or stand with her back to a post on the subway because she feared getting pushed onto the tracks.

He made her fear for her life, and I'm the product of that relationship.

Tonight, I met a married guy of 16yrs who talked about his relationship unlike anyone I've ever met.

He talked about the highs, lows, kids, and I am shaken to the core because I didn't know men like him existed.

I love men and women. When I fall for a guy, that's my dick, but women they are so magnetic.

To some extent, I don't think I can ever just be happy with one woman forever, but I could about a dick.

So, I've always given guys a "pass". As in, I understand because if a hot chick was in front of me, I'd prob try to hook up with her too. I don't expect guys to be faithful to me but I want honesty in regards to their involvement with other women, partially because I'm living vicariously through their dick.

I love women in the sense like I can't see myself being happy, nor faithful to one woman forever. I would definitely crave the dick, men, their essence, and I would skirt chase other chicks.

I love men but I don't see myself being faithful to one because I love women.

I'm loyal and I'm a playboy.

I just can't believe I met a guy who has his type of mentality.

I admire it, but I know it's too late for me.

I just want for all the little girls in the world to know that there are good guys out there. Ones who are capable of being completely dedicated to their woman.

I hate my mom and even grandma for plaguing my mentality with this idea that all men want is sex, or that they are sexually driven without self-control.

The whole time, I kept thinking to myself I love how much you love your wife, I wish someone felt that way about me.

It didn't make me want to try and take it because then he wouldn't possess the quality I admired about him.

It didn't make me want to find that for myself because my feelings in regards to women make me incapable of being faithful to a man.

It just made me want to make sure that I try and get rid of my preconceived notion about men.

It made me think about not passing the view onto others.

I thought about the guy who no longer wanted threesomes after a certain stage in our relationship and I hated it.

That doesn't work for me, but I'm realizing maybe he was just one of those guys. I don't want a guy who is closed off to the idea of threesomes but I want to truly believe that there are men in the world who are capable of monogamy.

I honestly just don't believe that's possible, to be monogamous to one woman, but today I'm wondering how much that has to do with how I was raised.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

"Selfish & insecure, spoiled whiny bitch":

Woke up to a text from Dave that read "You're a selfish & insecure, spoiled whiny bitch".

Which considering the topic of "exs" has been on my mind lately the timing is freaky.

So let's put this in perspective. Dave and I dated for about 3.5yrs while I was in college, we lived together, fought, & fucked. That relationship fucked me up so much all of my courtships with men since is around 3-5mos. The lows I felt, how crazy I got, I'll never forget how much I hated that version of me. I never want to feel those things ever again so I've just subconsciously avoided getting serious with guys I dated.

We've been broken up for over a decade now. I did see him before I moved because he came over to help me pack up my apt, we didn't hook up but him being there, we fought and I realized we're toxic to each other. He brings out the very worst in me and I do not make him a better man. It's been over 5yrs since I've seen him.

In Feb, I contacted because I wanted to tell him something. I kind of intended to take it to the grave, but I was so tired. I selfishly told myself I was doing him a favor, severing the last of his feelings for me was the best thing to do for him. Before I always felt like he was holding onto the positives without knowing all the darkness. He was in love with a woman who loved him. But he didn't understand the monster he turned her into. I just wanted him to see me for who I became not who I was when I first fell in love with him.

So it's been 3mos since I last spoke with him or contacted him. He chooses today to text me. OK. It was actually nicer than what his mom said, and even what she said, I agreed with her. So Dave's text idk. Both of theirs actually.

His mom said something about how I deserve the very worst in life, how there's a special place in Hell for me. Yup. I agree.

His text said something he wants to beat me up and wishes I'd get locked up. Ok, so do to me what he did to our walls. Lock up? Have you seen OITNB? I'd Lil-Soso that shit.

But ok in all seriousness, their words, I've been beating myself up for a very long time, and there's a part of me that will always carry that weight.

I am all those things he said. I am selfish, I absolutely hate that about myself.

I am painfully insecure.

I've been spoiled rotten.

I complain incessantly.

I give what I get. I can be a bitch/cunt. I can be kind/generous.

Here's the thing, sticks and stones may break my bones, but you know why words will never hurt me? Because my fucked up head is constantly criticizing myself, hating on myself... like he said... it's the insecurity.

He then said something about how I should delete his number and never contact him.

I understand his anger. I felt that for a very very long time. I hated him because I became a person who scared myself.

I could have been a selfish coward and not told him, but I decided to be a selfish bitch and tell him a truth I owed him.

I just want to move on because I'm just so tired of punishing myself and hating so much.

Goodbye Dave.

I tell myself it wasn't love, but there was a moment in there where we did purely, and truly love each other. We never got married but I was your wifey and you were my hubby.

But what it turned into, that was not love. People should never be that toxic to each other, and that's what we became for each other. I don't ever want to "love" like that ever again.

Friday, May 18, 2018


I don't even know where to begin but I haven't ranted "habitually" in a while.

I think I've been avoiding ... well everything.

I can't explain this lack of motivation I feel. Days I don't work, I can't even get myself to leave my bed let alone my apt, and there's this pile of God know what that's always in my bed. I can clear it but the next day it's back. Same with the things on the floor. I can have someone come over to help me clean but then everything goes back to the way it was.

I keep talking about my mom and the thing is, it's my mom that pointed out that I talk about people because I'm thinking of them. It can be good or bad, but I remember once I was trying to get over this guy who was a complete jerk and my mom simply demanded she didn't want to hear me talk about him ever again.

I miss her but I miss the good. Then I think about the bad, and the bad is exceptionally dark.

I think about how family meant everything to my grandpa, and I admired him like mad for that.

So my natural reaction is to crawl back to an psychologically and formerly physically abusive mother.

But having her in my life isn't healthy. It's never been because she makes me feel like a burden. I felt that she consistently choose a strange man who was not my father over her own flesh and blood.

Now she's alone and miserable because my ex step dad cheated on our family. I don't condone his actions but I also knew how unbearable my mom was. I was and am scared of her because he hurt her and I feel like he would and will again if she lets him back into her life, which she seems like she is doing.

I look back at the 8yrs of piano lessons she forced me to take when I am completely tone deaf, why? She wanted to give me something she wanted but it just wasn't for me. She used to make me give her money if I didn't practice piano which is a really weird punishment for a kid who does not have a job and only an allowance.

I wish I got to take art lessons instead, but I didn't say anything. She forced an aspiration onto me while ignoring a talent I did have. I think it's selfish.

Last March I found a suicide letter i wrote dated 20yrs ago, I was a child, and I felt like such a burden on her life. She made me feel like I kept her from doing the things she wanted.

Now I find myself saying super fucked up things to people I care about and my words have her spikes and I'm so fucking angry.

I'm angry that she didn't just have a freaken abortion like she did with all her other pregnancies.

I fucking cried when I heard someone call me by my given name because it had been so long since I've heard it be used. But part of me wondered why does it bother me so much, when it's just my "given name"? A name that was put onto us by the people who choose to have us. That girl, my momma's girl, she's gone.

I just don't understand how people can wake up every day with the will to live because I sure as hell did not choose to be born.

This whole concept of having kids and family is fucking weird. I mean as a self-aware living being, I didn't choose life. Why does my family make me feel like I owe them something for raising me. It's not even like they did a good job of it. I mean they tried but they fucking sucked because if a 10yr old wants to kill herself, who's fault is that?

I don't know how to snap out of this feeling like I'm worthless. I'm not taking very good care of myself. I don't even know where to begin. I think I just keep going to sleep, waking up and thinking one day I'll wake up and things will change.

But realistically speaking, nothing will change if I don't change. So one thing I'm trying to change is to not crawl back to my mom for validation because there's nothing to validate.

She feels like she went out of her way to give me what she couldn't have. But from my perspective, I didn't ask her to give up or sacrifice anything on my behalf, and I absolutely hate feeling like I am indebted to her.

I don't like to feel like I'm indebted to anyone. I take pride in my drive to be independent even though it sometimes makes my life infinitely harder to not ask for help.

I sometimes feel like she's trying to cash a voucher I can't give. My whole life I felt so much weight, to get good grades, to be good, I just felt this huge burden to live up to my family's expectations because I'm an only child.

I've been thinking about my childhood a lot lately. I feel the truth is, I got in the way. My mom was raising a child, by herself, one who is the offspring of someone she probably despised or feared, I must have been a burden.

I feel like what I felt as a kid might have not been untrue. Maybe it wasn't just how she made me feel but something that she truly felt herself.

That's the all in the past but it's putting a strain on my present.

My mom left me in China at the age of 2. Then from about 2-4 or 5, I would spend one month with my dad, one month with my mom's parents. I remember crying to my grandparents on the phone and wanting to leave my dads. My mom later told me, I also cried to my dad's family and didn't want to leave them, but I have no memory of that.

I just felt like I was being passed back and forth, until the day my dad dropped me off at my grandparents along with all my stuff.

(Oddly enough, I later married a man who dropped all my stuff off at my parents house.)

Feeling unwanted by the two sides of my family as a kid, makes me incredibly terrified... of everything and everyone.

I'm having a very hard time understanding other people's motivation for living, because I don't see the point.

I am constantly keeping people at a distance or pushing them away because I am petrified of how useless I feel when I get abandoned.

My crazy gets so out of control, I want to spare those I care about. I don't know if it's insane or heroic.

I'm horny all the time, and I've always been like that but sometimes I wonder if it's just a desire to feel something. Maybe what I really need, is to be accepted, not for who people think I am, nor who they want me to be. But who I actually am.

I got called an "attractive ball of crazy", I think that has to be one of my favorite descriptions of me because the I am flattered this person thinks I am attractive, and even I, will agree that I am a "ball of crazy".

Sometimes I make more of an effort to hide it. IE I feel this pressure to pretend to be "normal" when I try to date. But I'm not normal, so I will try to explain myself to people and then they typically lose interest, or get scared idk. I think sometimes I try to scare people away.

I was raised with a saying "hitting is affection, yelling/scolding is love". It's so fucked up. Love shouldn't hurt. It doesn't really help to yell, what does help is trying to explain your perspective even if you don't understand it yourself. TRY.

I'm trying to break some really deeply ingrained bad habits. Some days it feels like I am drowning while others I feel like I might have a chance. 

My thoughts have been all over the place and I've been avoiding getting into the downward spiral of thinking about my family woes, while I also touch on it. So here's my attempt to ditch some baggage.


Hope that it's a step towards letting go some of the weight I carry.