Humility:

I don't think I've ever realized just how insecure I am, how much it impacts me, and my life. It comes out in the form of jealousy, I drink to feel confident, and I'm sure in many ways I am unaware of. My critical inner voice just holds me back so much. I don't understand why people would like me which makes me push them away if they do. I read somewhere that insecurity should be viewed as humility because it's the opposite of the sin "pride". This is my attempt to break down some of the critical things I say to myself in an effort to let it all go:

• You’re stupid. (My mom used to keep telling me she'd never seen anyone as stupid as me)
• You’re unattractive. (I call this ugly duckling syndrome because I was not a cute kid)
• You’re a failure. (This is probably an Asian thing)
• No one will ever love you. (because I don't love me)
• You’re fat. (Another Asian thing)
• You’re such a loser. (Yeah being Asian means being constantly compared to others)
• You’ll never be able to quit drinking (smoking etc). (I take pride in being an alcoholic because my favorite person was)
• What’s the point in even trying? (I try to better myself but I'm not sure it pays off at all)
• You don’t know what you’re doing. (I feel so lost with camming, like I just don't know how to be a financially successful camgirl)
• Who do you think you are? You’ll never be successful. (I honestly believe that I would never be able to make MissMFC)
• You’re under too much pressure. You can’t take it. (Simply feel like I'm cracking and barely keeping myself together)
• You’ll never get everything done. You’re so lazy. (I procrastinate)
• You should just put this off until tomorrow. (Hard core)
• No one appreciates you. (It's why I ban people that don't talk, they make me feel insecure)
• You’d better be perfect, or no one will tip you (I make sure I look my best before I get on cam)
• Nobody likes you here. (I constantly feel like this when I'm online)
• Put your work first. Don’t take time for yourself. (It's what my grandma's always said work comes first, you can worry about yourself later)
• When are you ever going to get a real job? (The social stigma of camming gets to me)
• No one would hire you. (I have a huge gap on my resume)
• You’re never going to find another person who understands you. (Even if I did, I fear I'd end up getting abandoned)
• Don’t get too hooked on him. (I get totally crazy)
• He doesn’t really care about you. (My grandma used to always tell me guys want one thing, is to get in between your legs)
• He is too good for you. (Yeah I think like this a lot)
• You’ve got to keep him interested. (My mom once told me everyone she's ever been with has cheated on her or she was the other woman. "Men cheat, if they don't do it, they think about it" were her exact words). 
• You’re better off on your own. (I am Holly Golightly, put myself in a cage). 
• As soon as he gets to know you, he will reject you. (I don't really let people get close to me because I fear they will leave me)
• You’ve got to be in control. (Being in control keeps my feelings protected)
• It’s your fault if he gets upset. (I constantly feel the need for approval and that it's my job to make people happy)
• Don’t be too vulnerable or you’ll just wind up getting hurt. (I know I have a huge romantic heart but it is protected by layers and layers of walls)

I'm kind of just exhausted at how much I beat myself up and how much I let myself put me down. Maybe it's because I've let the pace of my chatroom dictate my own self worth, perhaps it's because I've always been insecure. But I really need to stop.

Do you feel insecure? How do you overcome it?

I feel like I'm trapped with my own worst enemy. 

Jealousy:

I have the tendency to get enraged with jealousy. To deal with it, I start drinking an obscene amount of alcohol because that jealousy leads to a very critical inner voice and I'm trying to mute it with intoxicants.

The jealousy makes me feel insecure, inadequate, worthless, subpar, unattractive, undesired. I simply can't stop beating myself up emotionally. I start comparing myself and I feel like absolute shit.

It is completely toxic and simply destructive.

So in an effort to combat this negative critic inside my head, I'm going to induce some self therapy by stating things I like about myself: 

I love my creativity, it seeps out into every aspect of my life and everything I do. On top of the drawing and painting, I also enjoy making things with my hands, jewelry, clothing, food.

I'm clever and have a way of MacGyvering things in time of need. I'm quite proud of my wits in that sense.

My anxiety and slight agoraphobia makes me late but I'm extremely over prepared. Which sometimes makes me the go to person when someone needs something. Me being able to help others in need justifies my fears. So I don't see it as a bad thing.

I really like to try new things and I consider myself a collector of experiences.

I have this uncanny ability to be good at a lot of random things I try.

When I hit a bucket of balls at the driving range, I am extremely consistent, admittedly I don't hit very far but it's pretty much always straight.

When I tried shooting guns, I found out my aim is impeccable.

I spent 8 years of my life learning how to play the piano, till this day I am grateful my mom forced me to practice, making me pay her $6/day that I didn't practice.

I like my eclectic fashion sense, sometimes classy, sometimes sexy, sometimes fierce, but it always says something about how I feel.

I like my boobs. Superficial but I fucking love boobs.

I love that I'm loyal, loyalty is hard to find sometimes.

I'm extremely sensitive, it can be a blessing and a curse, but I'd rather feel everything than nothing at all. My sensitivity makes me acutely aware of how others are feeling. It comes in handy when I'm online and people PM me. I can feel the underlying tone of things and read between the lines.

I like being masculine in a woman's body. Liking things like sports, guns, cars and women while being feminine, dressing girly and doing feminine things like cooking. It makes me feel well rounded.

I like that I am impulsive, it brings spontaneity to my life despite it's connection to chaos.

I'm proud of the fact that I have an IQ of 153, tested post college. I tested 144 in college and 144 in high school. It makes me believe that I will be ok even if I weren't a camgirl.

I like that I'm a horrible liar, which makes me lie far less frequently than a lot of people I know.

I am a people pleaser, I always put other before myself. This can be damaging to myself but it's better than being selfish.

I have an addictive personality, but I see it as passion. When I love, I love obsessively and hard. It could be seen as a bad thing but I think it's better than being unable to care.

I am independent, and I know I can survive.

I am a visual person, it can make me shallow but I also am constantly aware of the beauty in our world. For example, how beautiful the sky looks right before the sunrises, or after it sets. I love the colors of the different seasons. I notice the lines and structure of buildings. I break everything I see down to colors and shapes, imagining how I would paint/draw it. Being able to stop and see how beautiful the world is, makes me happy, and it makes me want to share my point of view with others in hopes that they will see the beauty like I do and be happy as well.

All I want, is to inspire others the way that I feel inspired.

I know my blogs can be extremely candid, open and honest. Maybe it's too much information for some, but I hope by admitting my own flaws, someone may read this and recognize these destructive behaviors in themselves and I can help someone in the process of helping myself. 

I don't really know how to start talking to strangers in my room that don't talk to me. So I hope by sharing and being vulnerable, you can relate and perhaps you will be more inclined to talk to me if you understood me more. 

Kinks:

I started camming 8/3/10. I started on MFC 4/1/11, in fact I'm going to be spending my 6 year MFC cammiversary at Denver Exxxotica.

These last 6-7 years have mainly been about you, what you like and what you want from me.

Let me take some time to tell you about me because people rarely ask.

I love threesomes, I'm up to about 7 of them. 1 BGGG foursome, and attended a very upscale sex party. In fact I'm craving an orgy.

There's nothing more stimulating than the thought of satisfying a cock I like with my mouth, and having it cum down my throat. Morning BJs and road head are my two favorites. Followed by risky public BJs.

I consider the first kiss between two people who are mutually attracted to one another to be extremely arousing. The mystery of the unknown is completely intoxicating.

It's hot when someone lets me suck on their tongue. But perhaps I just like sucking in general.

I love straddling a hard-on in jeans.

I'm sadistic as fuck. I love to spank really hard, not with my hands, preferably a loop paddle or crop. Violet wands are so much fun, especially when the person is blindfolded. I'm a tease and I love to torture.

I can't help but bite, it might be from my love of vampires.

I've spent 5 days of my life working as a stripper, I hated it. I loved being topless on stage, but the small talk and lap dances were so weird.

I don't like to openly share my kinks because I prefer to keep it classy and mysterious.

I love to dress up and role play, daddy daughter is my favorite, it's ironic because I grew up without a dad.

I hate ice play but I love wax.

I love to tease with knives. I'm also attracted to people with scars from self inflicted wounds.

I love the smell of cologne on men. If I were blind, that might be all I need to get me to fuck.

I am shallow as hell, looks are important to me. I once opened a guy's cam, told him he was a panty dropper. He booked the next flight out and we fucked the day after. This makes me prone to fucking douchebags.

I sometimes need to be mentally aroused by someone who's hot and intellectual in order to want to fuck them.

I am a feminist and hate misogynistic men, but I do take pride in my cooking. It makes me feel feminine.

I've fucked 2 guys in the ass. 1 with a strap-on, one with a dildo. I did not get consent for the second one and that turns me on.

I feel lucky I was born a woman or else I wouldn't be able to get away with a lot of the things I do.

I love to be in control, sometimes my dom and sadistic side comes out when I'm drunk and I have the tendency to want to inflict a lot of pain.

In my 30+ years, I've always hated admitting that I occasionally do sub.

Sometimes I crave to be tied up, but to this date, I've only trusted one person to do it.

I like spanks on occasion, but it has to be even or else it drives me insane.

It's been years but I love to be choked during sex, but I've only had two people ever do so. I also like to choke but most of the time I can't bring myself to do it.

I love to knee and/or kick a guy in the balls, it makes me feel powerful. I do not want to do this to every man I know. Just to some. It really depends on the person to be honest.

I also like to back hand guys, especially when I'm drunk.

I once had a guy in my bunny mask lick my shoes, I got so fucking wet from that.

I want a beautiful innocent house with a dungeon.

I love to treat the person I want to the best of my ability. It makes me feel useful. For them, I will be my best self.

I treasure being the little spoon, it makes me feel safe and loved.

I enjoy watching, it's relaxing.

Trannys and drag queens turn me on because I love the beautiful face of a woman and the dick of a man. I am a pansexual.

Teacher-student role play turns me on too. In fact I had fantasies about my high school teachers and getting fucked on their desk. It's why I used to wear a lot of school girl like outfits in high school. Which is also the first thing I wore on cam: a school girl outfit.

Nurse, french maid, secretary, you name it, I probably love it.

Every naughty and/or bad thought I have is covered up with a giggle or smile. Sometimes I smile A LOT. That's when you know I'm up to no good.

I love androgynous or gender fluid women.

I love boobs, big, small, real, implants, I don't give up fuck as long as they are symmetrical.

I lust to attend a sex party with a cock on a leash.

I have the tendency to dig my nails into flesh when I am turned on and/or grip onto something when I'm cumming.

I love matching lingerie, bra, panties, and stockings.

I'm obsessed with lipstick and seeing my lipstick on people I like.

I love a man in uniform. Fuck me all day, every day.

I need to have multiple orgasms, one is never enough.

I love the thrill of sexual acts in public, not in front of people but the risk of getting caught always elevates my heart rate.

I'm insecure and possessive. If I like, I need to know it's mine. It's why I love obedient pets. They make me feel secure.

I love surprising someone I care about with a spontaneous sex acts because I'm easily bored and I need to keep things interesting for myself.

It is so arousing to have my toes sucked but I would never ask anyone to do it because it could be viewed as "gross".

I really don't like anal, yet I keep trying to like it. Definition of insanity.

I love a man on his knees, and even more when he begs.

I can be very hypocritical. But I don't mean to be, but it's an internal conflict of how I want to be seen and how I really am.

I love to seduce and be seduced.

I enjoy eating pussy because as they say in basketball, it's home court advantage.

My fantasies run wild at the sight of a collar on a person.

I love giving someone a good massage, it doesn't even have to be sexual. I just like making people feel good. But I hate being asked for a massage, it irritates the Hell out of me.

I love a combination of lace and leather, it's very symbolic of my personality.

In some aspects of my life, I am a creature of habit, but when it comes to sexual things, I can get bored very easily.

I love posing for photoshoots, it makes me feel sexy and desired.

I enjoy making a girl squirt for me.

I get super turned on when a cock is about to cum, the balls get tight, and the dick reaches is peak hardness.

Food is love. If I don't want to fuck you, I definitely don't want to feed you. If I want to feed you, I care, but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to fuck you. Ironic eh?

As much as I've shared, I love to keep things a mystery so there are still things I keep to myself because telling you would ruin the surprise. The knowledge of me keeping something others may like to myself makes me feel secure, in control and powerful. So no matter what, I will always have another trick up my sleeve.

Curious if I like something you do? Just tell me, or ask! I love discovering new kinks. I don't judge because there are very taboo things I'm into that I don't feel comfortable sharing. I find it all entertaining whether I'm into it or not.

When it comes to camming, I love to get paid to orgasm. I love roleplaying. I don't like public shows because I'm a people pleaser and I know not everyone likes the same thing. I do however love how personal privates are.

Cracking:

My mom called me and left a voicemail for me to call her back.

So I did.

She told me that she's moving to SF in March and I need to go back to LA before that to move my stuff from her garage.

In the time of a 10 minute phone call, I felt like my whole world came crashing down.

I've been trying to stay afloat in a boat that is leaking, struggling desperately to fill the leaks, and now I just feel like I'm drowning. I need help, and I don't even know where to begin.

I can't even begin to imagine taking time off of cam to go back yet again.

From now on, I'm bringing my A game, or else I won't be on cam.

Let's do this!