In my adolescent years, my grandma told me my mom had an abortion before being pregnant with me and it was a boy. She then told me she miscarried before being pregnant with my mom and it was a boy. She then proceeded to tell me she wondered what would have happened if she never miscarried or if my mom never got an abortion.
Growing up as an only child was a subconscious moral compass because I didn't want to disappoint my family.
Along the way, I don't know what happened. A little over a year ago my mom and I started fighting in a way where the things she says to me were so hurtful and vile I can't even remember how it all started.
In the course of a year, she's told me that she doesn't want to live, and wishes I was never born. As harsh as her words were, I realized that I was the product of an abusive relationship, a burden on my mom because she never wanted me. I realized why she never loved me unconditionally the way I thought a parent should love their child, because I remind her of my dad. The reason she hates certain facets of my personality is because they remind her of him.
My grandpa was/is the only person that's ever loved me unconditionally and I could see it in the way he looked at me. Since he passed, sometimes I cry and selfishly mourn his death because I know that he was the only person that accepted my flaws and loved me regardless.
In my interactions with people, I find myself tolerating a lot of abuse. I let myself get taken advantage of and I go out of my way to please people because I'm afraid that they would leave me. I don't know if I like the abuse because it feels familiar, or if I'm so beaten that I feel like that's what I deserve.
I realized, I'm seeking approval and love from people that remind me of my mom and my grandma.
But once upon a time, I told my grandpa when I get married, I want to marry a man like him.
Enough, enough is enough. I've had enough. I'm so so so tired of feeling subpar, feeling like, "I'm not good enough", because I know how unique I am but my confidence is muffled by the voices of my grandma and recently my mom.
I told myself that I'm swearing off fuck boys (or just one, but you know the type), because I couldn't stand looking into those eyes and trying desperately to project my thoughts.
I keep telling myself that I am enough, and no matter how crazy I can get, that I am still lovable because I embrace my crazy and I'm honest about it.
None of this explains why I've found myself crying nearly every day this month/year.
I never wanted to give birth, in fact I took all the precautions not to as well as satisfy the urge to procreate, but now, I just want to throw my love at a human and make sure that they know they are enough, that they are loved, and that they are wanted. Not any time soon but one day. That in itself is a huge change in my life projections because I always saw myself traveling the world alone in my midlife.
I finally realized, I was a pathetic excuse of a woman. Not even a woman, but a girl. A girl, desperately wanting to be loved. I don't need someone else to love me. It starts with knowing that I am enough.
Meanwhile, I've thrown myself at my arts & crafts and I take solace in the voice of an old friend saying, "If you keep doing what you love, you will eventually meet someone who loves to do the same things."
4 more weeks until my art festival...
