Birthday:

I was born on the same day as my grandma. It wasn't a coincidence, it was a planned c-section. I was her "birthday gift".

My mom left me in China to be raised by my maternal grandparents when I was 2yrs old. The Chinese tradition is to eat hard boiled eggs for breakfast the round shape symbolizes unity and continuity. Noodles for lunch, they are called longevity noodles, your suppose to make a single strand and make sure it's unbroken for a long life. Dumplings for dinner because of their shape looks like old money, it's suppose to symbolize good fortune and wealth.

Off the top of my head, I've had some very memorable birthdays, bowling parties as a kid. I turned 16 in Paris. Started drinking first thing in the morning on my 21st birthday so I could do 21 drinks in one day. On my 23rd birthday I went all out and had a different themed party for 5 days straight.

But then my mom and my stepdad got a divorce. Since the divorce, my ex stepdad texts me on my birthday like clock work, thus reminding me of the fact that he cheated on my mom, lied about it. Then got over 6 figures in their divorce because CA is a no fault state and my mom was the bread winner. I cry every time I get a text from him. Sometimes I ignore him. Sometimes I tell him to fuck off. But never do I not cry.

Then I started camming. When it comes to my birthday and camming, it's the only time I get pumped about my birthday. Else I'm pretty unenthused. But every year, I'm bummed that guys are still dicks despite the screenname "BdayBubs". I'm not sure why I expect them to treat me differently on my birthday.

One year, I dated a guy who didn't want to spend my birthday with me. It hurt but it gave me the motivation to make sure I make my birthday a good one myself. From then on, I just stopped relying on others to celebrate my day with me. If you think about it, it seems extremely self-centered to get all your family and friends together for a day to celebrate you.

This year, I was excited but as the weeks drew near, I got scared. I started questioning the direction my life is going. I tried to suppress those worrisome thoughts with smoking and drinking. It's just been a shit mess. I have just been a shit mess.

I didn't tweet begging for birthday presents or gift cards because I simply didn't want to face the possibility that what if I did tweet and got nothing? So I just didn't ask for anything also because I don't want any material possessions, I have enough stuff.

But still, I ended up crying twice from camming because of how mean some guys were.

I cried when my mom posted the sweetest slide show of pictures from my past, I mean there were pictures that were actual photographs, I don't know how long it took for her to get all that together. There were pictures of my grandpa, and I just lost it. Part of me died the moment I got that phone call on cam. There were pictures of one of my exs which I just found hilarious because him and my mom adore each other. He's almost like my brother in a sense because my mom views him as a son, and him and I have no romantic nor sexual feelings for each other.

I cried when my stepdad texted me because I remembered being in college, the guy I was dating was drunk and came over to my place where we just fought and he wouldn't leave. He pushed me to the ground around 4-5am and I called my stepdad, he was in town with his son and his brother, what my stepdad choose to do was call my bf at the time and leave him a "semi-threatening" voicemail. I texted my stepdad back and I asked, "What would you have done if I was really your daughter and a guy had laid hands on me? Just think about that the next time you want to text me."

I wept as I ate my longevity noodles, thinking about all the birthday meals my grandpa made me. He was the most beautiful person that ever lived. Sweet, thoughtful, not a man of words but actions. He never told me he loved me, but he would tell everyone that I am number one in his heart, and there was never a doubt in my mind that it was untrue because I could see it in his eyes. Unconditional love, is beyond words.

I called my grandma to wish her a happy birthday, she was happy but she spent the whole conversation telling horrible old stories of the biggest fight I've seen between my grandparents, I was there during that particular incident. All I recall is her hitting her head on the wall but it was an accident. Tears just kept coming down my face because my grandpa is my favorite person. I can't stand it when she talks shit about him, he's gone. Why does she have to attempt to taint my memory of him. My mom has even said to her, "How would you feel if people talk this way about you and your family when you die". It shut her up for the moment but she just turns around and starts saying the same thing on a different day. The stories are the same, verbatim, over and over. I've heard it so many times. It's why I never call her. She makes me livid with rage.

To be given to someone as a birthday present, that person being the person I despise most in the world, is what I call a curse.

Between having to talk to or even hear from the two people I dislike the most, my ex-stepdad and grandma on my birthday, I just cannot stand it. I think next year I'm going to turn my phone off for the day and maybe stop celebrating my birthday on cam all together.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite day, birthday is probably one of my least favorite.

I can't help but miss my grandpa.