Love, originally Empath but clearly a post about Love:

For as long as I can remember, I felt other people feelings seemingly stronger than they themselves would feel them. Perhaps I should say than they would express.

As a kid, I would listen to my grandma's bedtime sob stories and go to sleep feeling so so so bad for her and the sad life she lived where she repeatedly painted herself as the victim.

In high school, I had a friend who would call me and tell me about how her dad was verbally abusive and I would cry for her pain thinking about how sad she must be feeling.

After college, when my former stepdad cheated on my mom. I couch hopped for nearly 2 weeks trying to give them space to work out their marital problems but I would be at a friend's house and I would cry myself to sleep thinking about how much pain my mom was probably feeling at that same moment.

In my own life, people sometimes seemingly go out of their way to hurt me. I don't understand it. I hurt enough as it is over people's problems that aren't mine.

I'm actually not sure when I decided that it was better for me to be alone.

But I thought it was safer to keep people out. That way I wouldn't have to be so tortured by feelings that don't belong to me. 

Turning the feelings off was the only way I felt like I could survive.

For a while there I was actually afraid I had turned into a cold, uncaring sociopath because I mimicked the proper expressions and responses in social situations while being completely detached. It was almost like an out of body experience, where I am a spectator of my own life.

It got so bad, I was actually afraid to watch "The Princess Bride" because I was afraid that the scenes that would normally make me cry on cue wouldn't have the same effect. So I avoided watching that movie because I didn't want to find out just how heartless I had become.

In the last year or two, I'm not sure at what moment I decided to open my heart, but I did. It's ironic and so confounding my head hurts. This person's views were completely different than mine, which made me feel like I had nothing to lose. He told me he doesn't want a relationship, to get married nor have kids. Great, not what I'm looking for either, or so I thought the moment he told me.

Problem is, I can't do casual. Once I start fucking a guy. He is my world. My other problem is that I love women and I can't "keep it in my pants" when it comes to women. Half the time, I'm like a dude in a woman's body. I'm a complete hypocrite.

Our differences, I always knew I'd end up here. That I would get my heartbroken.

But I just let it happen because he was too perfect to pass up.

So let's go chronologically:

We met when he made my butt plug. Kind of bumped into each other a few times throughout the years. I got in touch initially because I was hoping their booth would hire me so I could get paid during the convention hours. We just started texting.

It started with how easy it was to talk to him, about anything, mainly work ideas. I love talking about work ideas. I appreciate someone who is on par with me when it comes to this topic because not everyone is creative enough to elevate my creative process. Some just absorb ideas without contributing. I like people who challenge my creative process by giving me input, especially when their thinking is outside my realm of thinking.

I really appreciate his rationally and reasoning. We spent a lot of time talking about sex, I held back. I always hold back sexually. I think of it like kids and candy. Who doesn't like candy? Give them too much or let them have all they want and they can get sick of it. I was with a guy for 4 years in college and I had to keep evolving sexually simply to keep myself entertained.

Our first date he picked me up in a motorcycle, I wanted to learn how to ride a motorcycle since before I was 14. I didn't actually understand it was a date until I saw the goofy smile on his face when I showed up. I know it sounds stupid but I'm kind of naive when it comes to boy/girl stuff. I was under the impression he was out with friends barhopping and I was tagging along with a group. I misunderstood. That was sometime in June or July of 2016.

The second date was a lot like the first and I kind of was over it. But then he got me with Suicide Squad. What can I say, I am an absolute sucker for (well a handful of things), comic movies, and watching them with particular people.

So, if I had to guess, it had to be our 3rd date. Suicide Squad, making out in the park, we drove back to his place in a Prius and I just about died. In a good way because in college, I took a class on human's impact on the environment. I gush over environmentally friendly cars, but at the same time I drove a car with a V8 engine. Muscle cars, and big trucks hold a special place in my heart too. I know, I seriously don't understand myself. I am a walking hypocrite.

We went back to his place and I realized his place was exactly like mine. It was like stepping through "the looking glass". I don't know if he sees my place the way I see his. But his walls are filled with things he loves.

Habitat for humanity, when I was in high school I really wanted to join because I believe deeply in it's cause but it either conflicted with French Club, Ambassador Club, or National Honor Society. I can't remember which one.

Fencing swords, which is something I've always wanted to do. I periodically flip through community books and take classes that intrigue me. Fencing was on the list. It also reminded me that scene in "The Princess Bride", "I too am not left handed".

The comics and drawings. I was once told by a psychic that I would move to NYC to study fashion design, meet a man through my work and he was going to be an artist just like me.

He whipped out his dick and I was done... sold. That's it. Most beautiful dick I've ever seen. Probably why I'm so convinced I'll never get over this one. I would be perfectly content with that dick forever. It's so good I keep trying to get one of my friends to fuck him with me just because I want to share it with someone I like. But the thought of anyone else getting it without me drives me insane. My heart starts pounding and I just ugh. My face gets all hot and I can feel it in my ears.

Anyway, in the meantime, I fell for girl, Babe, in October, still love her. November, I shot a video with Jenny. Prior, I asked him. His response made me adore him even more because I thought to myself, "Wow, what an impressive reaction, so mature."

By December of 2016, I was sitting in my bed and I got this flash of him in a tux at the end of the aisle. You know, that image that most girls have probably had. Not me, never. I never saw myself in a wedding dress, not with any guy I dated. I never even had the desire to envision them in a tux and even when I tried I couldn't. I donated my eggs in college so that I didn't have to feel pressured to have my own kids. I remember being in the 7th grade and thinking about how I would never want to give birth to my own kids, at best adopt because there were too many abandoned girls in China.

I freaked out. Like I flipped balls. I tried to stop seeing him but he talked me out of it. I don't know how he did but I think around January (2017) I remember telling my mom, "I figured I had survived a good handful of heartbreaks and douchebags, what's one more?"

I literally thought it would be an honor to have my heart broken by a man of his caliber because by then, I already knew how special he was.

Around that same time, I had a threesome, it was fun because I always had a crush on this girl's bf so I felt honored she let us fuck. But I hate to say it, the sight of his dick was an instant disappointment because I knew it wasn't going to satisfy me the way "mine" does and I was right. A week later I went to an upscale sex party in Hollywood and I had zero desire for dick because the one I wanted was not there. It was another one of those moments where I knew.

So little by little, I just let myself fall, and falling, the process of falling... it's kind of beautiful. To be completely swept off your feet, sure to the gut that this is the one, and so so thankful for everything, down to each breath that was drawn. I remember stepping out for a cigarette and I would look up at the sky and just thank the universe that this man was in my life because I could talk to him. I let myself talk to him. I thought it was perfect that he sees the world in lines and I see the world in color because a great painting needs both. I was under the impression that our differences complemented each other.

Rationally speaking, I don't believe in "Love". Which is ironic because I also consider myself a hopeless romantic. (See hypocrite). I say that I don't believe in love because it's unquantifiable and immeasurable. I think it's a state of mind, and I tell myself it's a concept that has survived due to natural selection. Basically, you think you are "in love", family stays together, equal highest chance for survival.

But Love, the way old people look at each other and make eye contact with each other. That shared moment where you can see that in that moment, nothing else exists for them. That is so pure, so beautiful, it hurts to look at because envy pokes at you and you want it. Or maybe I shouldn't use the pronoun "you" and say "I", I want it.

That look. Fuck. I could get lost in his eyes. But I couldn't help but think to myself, "if you let me, I could love you forever."

He was a complete dick to me on my birthday. Which FYI, I prefer to spend birthdays alone, because it's the only way I am in complete control. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge that it was my birthday because I was thankful he was part of my life.

For a while I thought I was going insane because what I observed didn't match what he was saying. My gut, my ears, his words, his actions, the conscious and subconscious body language just didn't match. I was so confused, pulling my hair out almost wondering why I felt so conflicted. It took me probably a year to figure out, or for me to pinpoint why I was so bothered. It was the discrepancy between our moments, his active actions and involuntary signals. I couldn't understand why I felt like an angry kid trying to swing at someone who was keeping me at arms length. It's not an emotional analogy it's a visual analogy.

He finally gave me the insight I needed. A vow. It was a vow to keep people out and emotions out so that one can survive, I know it all too well. I can't argue with that because I've been there.

So now I feel stuck because I don't know... I can't shake the notion that I'm never going to get over this one.

Which brings me back to the idea that Love is a state of mind. It took me nearly a decade to get over the last man I was convinced was "the one" and he was an abusive, alcoholic jerk.

This one, this time, I keep going back to using the same analogy: the debate about the existence of life on other planets. Both sides use Earth as an example. Pro life on other planets debate life is not rare because it happened here on Earth. Life is rare side argue it's unique because it took billions of years for it to happen.

I wonder if I should be more patient with him because I was where he is and I know exactly how long it took for me to believe in the possibility love again. I just don't think this happens every day. I am convinced I'm never going to meet another man like him and I don't know how to not think this way. I feel extremely pathetic because I don't believe in chasing people.

If I've learned one thing, it's not that I can't make a person love me because I already know that.

For a while I thought it was, "you can't love someone who doesn't want to be loved" because then I realized that I do. I have feelings for someone who doesn't want them. So that can't be true.

Now, I think it's that, "I can't make him realize he's already let me in despite actively trying to keep out." Although, I really want to slap him silly with the hope that he would snap out of it.

Maybe after getting all this out of my head I can focus on my work. I'm sorry if this post upsets anyone. I prefer transparency. I'm not a man hater, I'm not a lesbian. My heart has just never been available. I imprinted on a jerk in college. Then, each time I got hurt, I decided to put up another wall until I was completely alone.

Currently, I feel lost, I'm trying my best to focus on my creations. But deep down, what I really need to do, is truly take care of myself. I don't know where to start, so I will probably end up neglecting myself even more by occupying my mind with things I need to work on.

I would like advice, but I don't think "get over it" or "he's not worth it" will help at this moment. Maybe I don't need advice. Sometimes, I just close my eyes, take a deep breath and tell myself it will be ok. But that's when I break into tears because it's followed by the thought that, "I'm never going to get over this one". Changing a belief, a way of thinking, from experience, can take over a decade.

Side note: I turned down 10k for his ass. I went home crying the night I received that offer and I recall saying to my driver, "I wish I was type of woman who could do it because that's a lot of money and it would really help me". Back then, I wasn't sure if it was a testament of my character or my feelings for him. A couple of days ago, when he said that we were "probably doomed to not work", I instantly regretted saying no to the 10k, but then I realized it was him and I got my answer.

I don't like where I am right now. I need to change something.