Today has been really emotionally draining for me. As some of you know my grandpa went into surgery on 3/31 because of colon cancer (note: I knew someone that died of colon cancer, and I've never EVER lost anyone I've cared about). His recovery has been rocky. My way of coping with all of it is to not think, talk or even feel anything about the situation. I couldn't remotely imagine losing anyone I cared about let alone my ideal man. April was tough online, but I danced in the drizzle as my childish attempt to distract me from the storm that was torturing my core.
My grandpa has not had an appetite since his surgery. He was already thin due to being bedridden and having a monotonous diet lacking in nutrition. Now he's managed to lose even more weight. My grandma is irresponsible when it comes to eating. She barely eats herself and what she eats depends on the cost. My grandpa's caretaker does not get paid enough to buy him food that is more "appetizing". My mom and I think it's the depression causing him to not want to eat, but in China, "psychology" and "depression" is a new age concept. The doctor's won't treat the depression, nor give him anything to stimulate his appetite.
I haven't talked about it because it's a problem most are too far to be in control of, it's depressing, and if you haven't realized, I'm a "don't ask, don't tell" type of person. I didn't see the point in talking about a situation that I couldn't control because I couldn't think of what else to do besides go back and feed him. I went back last September, my uncle in December, my mom in January, me in February, my mom in March, and my uncle twice in March and April. Since I couldn't go back in April. I felt powerless. I didn't want to think about it, talk about it, nor let it effect anyone else that cared about me. But I realized, instead of facing what was really hurting me, I directed my focus on trivial things to pass the time.
I'm sharing this now because after talking to my mom tonight, I was able to face what I've been running away from in my mind. I was able to think more rationally and got a series of ideas that would be the second best to me/mom/uncle going back. This has really given me some optimism and a moment to stop beating myself up because I feel so helpless.
It took getting eaten alive my mosquitoes in Miami and searching for home remedies to give me the idea of looking for natural appetite stimulants, (i.e. weed). Most people said wine, but he was an alcoholic, so there's no way my grandma would ever give him wine. Then weed, well that's illegal in China. A series of things, but there were a few that were the most feasible in terms of how easy it was to convince my grandma to give it to him. Ginseng, cranberry, ginger helps increase appetite. Someone suggested ice cream because it has a lot of calories and everyone loves it, well my grandpa LOVES ice cream. That's not expensive in China. My grandma has ginseng and is not frugal with that because it's a supplement. She's just cheap when it comes to food. Who else does that sound like?
Anyways, it's worth a shot. Meanwhile, it takes a lot of anxiety off my shoulders.
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