The Icing on the Cake...

As some of you know, Panda_Rawr aka Joey Kim, is my favorite cam model and she never ceases to impress me.

I started out on MFC on April 1st 2011, doing what the other girls did, nudity and "public" shows. It made me miserable and I did not like it because:

1. During the shows, I did not like how people talked to me because I'm very sensitive. 
2. I felt compelled to do as people said because I'm a "people pleaser". The situation would make me feel anxious and I would get frustrated that I could not attend to all my tippers. 
3. I abhorred, loathed, despised, hated, resented looking at the "chat-sitters" who won't tip. I mean forget the talking part because quite honestly even if they did talk, I resented them because this is my source of INCOME. 

Everyone does it for the money, it's up to them whether or not they like it. I was not one of those people who liked it. I was online a few times a week, for a few hours, making enough to scrape by from check to check. I had to drink before I got on. That is not a way of life.

As I voiced my unhappiness, people told me about successful non-nude models on MFC, Panda_Rawr being one of them. Not having to spend much time thinking about it or even having to watch her, I made the choice to go non-nude in mid June. The moment I did, I no longer felt the need to be heavily intoxicated when I came online. I am not ashamed of being a cam girl. I do not judge other girls for doing public shows. I envy that they can do it, because I know that I can't. I think of it as an emotional weakness on my part.

With that said, I also like to spend money on MFC. It's my way of "courteously" reaching out to the girls because as a cam model, I'd feel less guilty for taking up another model's attention/time, if I didn't pay for it. I only tipped models that I like from being in their room, and I would relay that message in a "tip note". I once put in a series of tip notes to HollyHanna, saying how I admired her "cam-stamina". How I came from a site where everyone there knew of her and her fuck machine despite the number of other people that have it now. I literally gave my words value by putting them in the form of tip notes, and she was so grateful, because I could have effortlessly said it to her in chat. But not all models respond well to another model tipping them. I like the ones who genuinely appreciated my tips and what I was trying to say to them, in those tip notes. I did not like the ones who were thrown off and got defensive while I was tipping them because they acted as if I had ulterior motives.

After a full month of being non-nude in July, on August 1st, I heard Panda_Rawr is going for Miss MFC August. I wanted to show her how much meant to me, because she is one of those models who set the precedent for many other girls and me. I have always felt like owe my current state of happiness on cam to her. So I tried to relay my message with as much "value" as I could. I don't remember specifically how much it was but probably relatively small (in comparison) but it seemed big to me at the time. Then, I messaged Joey after my first time tipping her, apologetic, in case she was one of those girls who was going to think I had other reasons. I wanted to tell her I was just tipping because she's inspiring to me, not because I was trying to promote myself in her room (that is what some girls think). Her response was something I will never forget, "Don't ever apologize for your generosity". WHOA! I was struck with a big dose of graciousness! Seriously, I got the feeling I was talking to Mother Teresa.

I remember feebly trying to tip her throughout the month because I feared she would slip, and when the moment came. I cried in joy, joy for her, but it also gave me hope. Hope that a non-nude model can be Miss MFC, not just in the top 20, but MISS (*MOTHER FUCKING*) MFC. Till this day, that is what keeps me going. At the end of the month, while balling out of happiness for "Panda", she and her "crew" came into my room and showed their appreciation in the form of a "yellow wall" (pun was not intended but it is now). Till this day, that is one of the most epic gestures I've received from a model.

In April, I planned to live online in hopes of making the top 20. Joey was going for Miss MFC again, which does not conflict with my plans... so had to show her my support. This time around, I could "afford" more tokens. I just wanted to see her get 1st again, because the feeling of hope I got from seeing her become Miss MFC in August was priceless. She did something even more outrageous, she tipped me back (p.s. Kaileah and xWildthingx too), but it's so unexpected every time, I am moved to pieces. I used to be on a site where you can only private girls and that's what I did, to interact with other models. Out of 10+ models, I only had 1 other model take me private. I don't expect anything from someone when I do something, but I appreciate and hang on to the people that do give me what I give them. On MFC, I don't mean it as a tokens game, I give you and you give me, I mean whatever I got from a model, whether it's inspiration, laughs, motivation, appreciation, I tried to give back the only way I knew how, tokens.

On a "ledger" it may seem like a monetary relationship. It is, but it's far more. For 1 out of 5-10 girls who come to tip me for me liking/tipping them. That tells me whoever comes back to me, either like me or they are returning a gesture. Tipping back and forth is probably what meets the eye, but here's a peak of why I will continue to tip Joey/Panda.

"Public shows" vs. "non-nude" is this whirlwind/tornado/hurricane cyclonic conflict/battle/debate had me going nuts because I was struggling with my decision to be "non-nude". Without knowing my dilemma, Joey told me to follow my heart but I didn't know what my heart was saying. For days, I didn't respond. Then, when I did, I mentioned I might do public shows before I "quit".  Her response was, "I really am rooting for you and hope for the best, in whatever you decide to do. Because if you decided it's what you want, then it's what I want to see you do as well. Even if you ever decide to do something else. I'll be right here with you. :) I never thought anything you did was bad or wrong. The only bad or wrong is what you feel is not what you want for yourself."

Then it all clicked. I realized this whole public show vs. non-nude thing, was a battle of my head and heart. My head would start the fight,"Wow, one can make so much money doing public shows, oh but I can't do that emotionally, right, I hated the chat-sitters, and I'm happy now" and my heart would win because I'm happy. Then my head would start again, "... but the money...".

I realized what I said to her, came from my head and that my heart is what has won the fight each and every time. For a long time, I have had this internal conflict, the thought of $$, tokens, nudity, shows. I just didn't realize that it was my heart defending and shielding itself from the vicious thoughts of my head. Now I know where to allocate the root of those conflicts, ergo I know which to side with. That settles my conflict and there will never be a doubt in my head that being a non-nude cam model is what is in my heart.

What a class act! She got caught in my conflict, helped me realize what's going on, which led me to be firm about my decision, while not telling me what to do and telling me she's support me no matter what.

She's pretty awesome like that...