Disconnected

I watched this movie on vimeo. https://vimeo.com/ondemand/camgirlz/116898306

1). I love the positive light it sheds on cam girls and the industry.

But I couldn't help but feel sad because I prefer to be a non-nude model. I admire girls who get naked, because my admiration is built on knowing that I myself can't do it. I adore girls who can be successful being non-nude or "tease" models because I haven't found a way for myself to be successful at it. I have no "envy" for them, because the term envy means you wish to have their success as well as for them NOT to have it. I've never felt envious because I'm not a petty person. In fact, I am INSPIRED by the success of others because I want to find the same success by being myself. Every person is different, no one can truly replicate or "copy" another, nor can they actively take anything away from a successful person (not unless you dedicate your life to it but seriously which sane person is fixated enough to do that?).

After watching the movie, my desire to make being a non-nude model work for me, made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I am aware that I am a sex worker in the adult industry.

Why can't I just suck it up and "show my body" as most freeloading pervs would suggest, because I know that I can't do it. I've tried it. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that ANYONE can see me. I don't believe that my naked body should be on display for anyone to see at any time. I want to find regulars in my room who like ME and not because they enjoy how I look like naked. I don't want to feel objectified by people that like me nude without even liking me as a person. With the recent addition of selling videos on manyvids, people ask why I charge so much, well it's my way of trying to control my content and limit it to people who LIKE me enough to WANT to pay what I charge. I believe nudity should be a mystery. Am I a prude if I don't want my body to be on display for everyone and anyone, even those who might not want to see it?

I realize that having anyone see you naked as a cam girl who gets naked, is an occupational hazard. Perhaps if I had realized this prior to starting camming, I might not have started. But this brings to me to just how I got started and why I've kept going:

I first heard about camming in college where an ex told me a girl gets paid a buck a minute to masturbate. I thought to myself, hell I masturbate at least 1-2x when I wake and before bed. If I could get paid to do something I normally do, hell that would make a great supplement even if I had a regular job. I started camming after college.

My first night on cam, I put on a school girl outfit cuz that was my fetish at the time, I put on my fake glasses to supplement the outfit, saw my room was kind of dim, added a spotlight, smoked a bowl and stared broadcasting a little after midnight from my parents house. On that site, it was non-nude public and privates were where you get paid. No tips, all $ was earned through privates. After a couple of nude privates, there was a guy who seduced me into masturbating and having an orgasm. Getting paid to orgasm how I wanted... I was hooked. I logged off about 4hrs later after making a little over $80 (I started with a studio, made 16-20% of every dollar spent). I had never felt more empowered because I felt in control and I made money from it.

Despite how people could spy on privates, I opted not to have spies, which un-like MFC, the customers on the other site paid the same for privates whether I allowed spies or not. For me, I would rather make less to be in private with 1 person and not have spies, than to have people spy on me who I didn't agree to get naked for. That way I felt like I was in control because I always got naked in real time for 1 person at a time, at my own discretion and pace.

It wasn't my intention to solely rely on camming for income but making $10/hr at my other job, my time was better spent on cam.

I switched to MFC because the other site I was on changed their rules, the tipping and nude public shows started and I decided if that site was going to copy MFC, I might as well join the origin vs be on a copy cat site. So I tried doing public shows on MFC. I had to get so drunk to cope with the fact that so many people were watching me do explicit shows because I no longer felt in control. When I realized that there were successful non-nude models on MFC, I truly believe they saved my life, because I probably would have died of alcohol poisoning if it weren't for the inspiring non-nude models that set the precedent, and made themselves such fine examples for other models. Till this day, I am thankful for all the different successful non-nude models that just do their own thing.

I constantly wish I could just change how I feel and show myself because I struggle so much with my silent "boring" room where people don't talk to me. When I log into my public chat room, my social awkwardness is in full swing because I don't know how to start conversations with strangers either. I used to have more connections with people. Now I feel like I don't know very many people at all. I know how to talk to my old "regulars" if they are ever in my room, but most of the people on my friends list just don't visit my room anymore. People that meet me tell me I'm happier in person, but that comment comes from judging me by the flow of my public chatroom. I just don't think my public chatroom is an accurate representation of me nor my personality. So I'm trying to combat preconceived notions that my room is "boring" by trying to be seductive, having fun by dancing to music I love, or even just talking to the cam as if I'm telling a friend about my day/myself/life, but rarely does someone respond. I've banned so many people because I'm frustrated, and now people think I'm a bitch. But really I'm just so sick of trying, seeing the same names in my room sit and them being silent.

The lack of connections is making me hurt from the inside out. I'm not sure where to go from here. All I know is, I'm looking forward to seeing some of my favorite models in Vegas. Hopefully being around other cam models will make me feel less isolated.