"Naked" on Periscope:

In my bra, panties, and socks, I found myself streaming on Periscope for some human interaction. But I got a massive amount of "open bob", which I ignored. That turned into a bunch of hate. Hate about everything and anything from my gut/muffin top, flat ass, "lingling", grandma, rat dick breath, hair loss, buttery face, ugly teeth, face... and so on. It could be I was ignoring the chat and frustration turned into aggression, but they were vicious. Because it was such a wide range of hate, I felt enlightened by the fact that they were trying to get a rise out of me. The truth is, I am a critical perfectionist. When I feel insecure, I have thought it all. Gut, truth is I'm not my "skinniest" right now. Flat ass, yeah I don't have a big huge ass, sorry all of the fat is in my gut and tits. Ling ling, yeah I'm Chinese great, I speak fluent Mandarin. Grandma, yeah I'm not the youngest tool in the shed, but I'd rather be wiser over younger. Rat dick breath, lol how would you know? but ok I like garlic and onions and even I can't stand it sometimes, one of the reasons I love being single. I don't have to worry about what you think of my breath. Hair loss, yeah I do loose a lot of hair but I still have a lot too, that has to say something. Buttery face, actually I purposefully made my face look "dewey", it's an Asian thing, but like I said, look at old Asians vs old white ppl, I'd go with Asian skin care philosophies any day. Ugly teeth, yeah I have really small teeth, and they have gaps, my dentist wanted my to get braces but my mom didn't want me to get braces because she didn't want me to be more unattractive. Ugly, yeah I was always an ugly baby, ppl would tell my mom I had nice hair. Awkward teenager, even now I'm weird as fuck and talk too much when I feel uncomfortable. Oh and I'm very defensive. I have an excuse for everything, and nothing is ever my fault.

A person told me I lacked self-respect for subjecting myself to the situation. I think I have a pretty good amount of self respect, I try my best to make a living doing what I like/want. If I do something, it's because I choose to. Perhaps I am also a masochist on top of being a sadist, but from my psychology point of view, I was simply self-inflicting "Flooding Therapy" to myself with the "hate" in order to toughen myself up to internet hate/trolling/cyber bullying so that I could be a stronger cam girl. Be a little quicker on my feet with witty rebuttals to combat the hate. Next time someone trolls me on cam, I won't take it so personally. They can't hurt me because I hurt myself. With this realization I realize perhaps it's because I've dealt with too much loss and pain, I just wanted.needed a distraction. No one is perfect. All I can do is try to be a better me each and every day.

Some said I asked for it by being in a bra and panties, but my reasoning, being in a bra and panties brings in a lot of people. Which by default brings in more awesome people, along with more trolls as well. Just because I am in a bra and panties, I feel like dancing, or hanging out, does that warrant for people to talk to me as if I am not a person? Is it ok to demand things from me when I am asking nothing in return? If a guy is in shorts on Periscope, he would not get reported for being too sexual but girls in bra and panties get removed for Periscope on a regular basis. On the other hand, because people wouldn't normally talk this way to a human being face to face, this might be an easier way to weed out the pricks, and find the needles in the haystack. All about perspective.

What was I trying to get out of it? I don't know. But I do know that I'm an introvert, socially awkward, a psych major, it was kind of a social psych experiment, on top of the "flooding therapy". Curiosity? I wanted to see what would transpire of all this, I wondered how things would take it's course. Maybe I needed to keep my mind occupied.

At the end of the day, my final thought: I wish for a future where people wouldn't bring each other down. Recognize negativity, envy, and hate before they manifest. I am not always positive, I too have been guilty of being a "mean girl", the past is the past. We can't change that, but we can control our future, so I always remind myself:

Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words.
Keep your words positive, because your words become your behavior.
Keep your behavior positive, because your behavior become your habits.
Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values.
Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny.
~Ghandi

Just try to be the best you. Spread positivity like an infectious virus.