Race:

I was born in China, lived there till I was 7. Then moved to Toronto and became Canadian. Then moved to the US where I am now an American citizen.

When I go back to China, people can sense I'm a foreigner and I get charged more for things than other Chinese people.

Here in the US, everyone sees me as an Asian girl. I once went to a country bar in Arizona where I simply just felt like a person, then when I was in the women's restroom, I looked in the mirror and I was made aware of the color of my skin.

Growing up in the US, there just weren't a lot of Asians in the media, there's white culture and black culture. If there are too many white people on a show, they throw in a token black guy. But rarely did I ever see an Asian person in the media. The complaints of the lack of African Americans that are up for the Oscars, well what about the fact that they used a white guy to be in a movie about the Great Wall? I listened to hiphop and rap growing up because I knew I wasn't white, so I tried to identify with black culture. I cried when "Fresh Off the Boat" aired because for the first time, I could relate and I felt understood.

I once met a person where they asked me 3 questions, "What's your nationality", "Do you speak Chinese", and "Have you ever been to China". This person had no other questions for me.

I simply have this feeling that I don't fit in, in any country. 

I love my cultural background. I'm proud to be Chinese, the 2008 Olympics brought tears to my eyes because we showed the world how hard working we are. The beauty of the choreography at the opening ceremony, the uniformity of the dance, was awe-inspiring.

I've traveled all over the world, S Korea, Japan, France, Switzerland, Netherlands, England, UAE, there's so much beauty in the different cultures, but everywhere I go, I simply see the beauty of humans.

One of the reasons I love NYC is because it's so diverse that I don't feel like I'm Asian, nor do I see people for their race, I just see people.

Online, on a near daily basis, I get asked the question "What type of Asian are you?". Some even say, "It's ok because I'm also Asian". Do caucasians get asked "What type of white are you?", or black people get asked "What type of African are you?", perhaps, but not as frequently as Asians get asked "What type of Asian are you?". Sometimes people say "You are tall for an Asian", or "You have big boobs for an Asian". I am even bothered by the fact that people ask if I have a black toy, which I do, but the fact that color matters, I think it's sad. I simply wish people would stop defining one another by their race because we are all homo sapiens.

Race is something that was formed due to natural selection and lack of migration, but technology, the invention of airplanes has made it so that we as humans have the ability to live and visit wherever we want. The advancements and intelligence of human life is simply beautiful.

The amount of interracial reproduction is creating so many mixed race babies and they are generally GORGEOUS. Whether it's half white/black, white/asian, black/asian, white/hispanic, etc. It's so unique and glorious to see the combination of different cultural backgrounds be brought together in the form of a new life.

I cannot wait for the day where humans have evolved to the point where we are all mutts and we just see each other as humans and not for our race.

Please don't make this an argument when I am just sharing my perspective and how I feel. Thank you for taking time to read this and I hope that people can understand where I am coming from.

Fin.

Humbled:

April 1st will mark my 6th complete year on MFC. I've been non-nude in public chat for the majority of these 6 years. Last year this time, I experienced a very traumatizing situation where the aggressor turned out to be one of my top supporters.

In this year I've experienced the most love and model support: ever. Models whom have opened their arms, hearts and homes to me.

I've met models who are so secure with what we do, they just glow with beauty and self-esteem. I admire that so much.

In this time, I've been struggling more than I have ever financially, so I made the choice to move away from being a non-nude model. I'm quite proud of this change because I was born and raised in a very conservative Chinese culture. I'm starting to feel proud of my body instead of shame, but this is not a linear experience. Bad days get to me and I feel very insecure.

Last night I went on the Twitter rant because I felt lost in regards to how to be a nude model in public chat. The response from models was flooring. I instantly had so many models tweeting me, telling me their experience and making suggestions. It gave me so many ideas, and more importantly, it gave me Hope.

Today I woke up feeling refreshed, but I also realized, I don't think I quite fully understood just how lucky I was to have had the success that I did in the past.

So 6 years later, I am still learning, growing, and trying to be a better me. Thank you all so much for your support. For the first time in a long time, my tears are out of joy and appreciation.

Broken:

Lately I've felt like a broken water vase that's been glued back together, but the glue is weak and the pressure of the water on the cracks is heavy. I try my best to keep myself together, be beautiful and unbroken but I feel like I'm barely keeping myself together.

I appreciate my life, the people in my life, and my job or jobs. I am grateful of the fact that I have a roof over my head, clothes to keep me warm but I feel like I'm slipping. I've been breaking down into tears, not just tears but sometimes full on cries from the top of my lungs. I smoke a cigarette before I get on cam out of anxiety about how my shift will go because a lot of the times, I am unable to kill 400-550tkn topless topics in hours of time.

I'm not sure how to turn this around. I so desperately want to be successful on MFC but I'm starting to feel like it's me. That I am not good enough. I feel so lost and I no longer know what to do.

I'm trying my best, but I'm feeling like it's not good enough. That I, am not good enough. I'm trying to keep my head high and smile through my pain. I've been praying for things to get better.

I know that I'm smart and strong, so if I do break I am not inept of putting myself back together. In China, empresses are represented by a phoenix, and like a phoenix I know I can rise from the ashes... because it's what I do.

But how many times do I have to be burned and resurrected?

I'm losing hope that things will ever turn around. Losing faith in myself.