Stripping:

This is the third time I've tried stripping.

The first time, I was in town for Exxxotica about a year and a half ago. My friend told me she gave up camming for stripping. I was curious to find out why for my self. I tried for 1 night. I was so lost.

I later went back a few months later to strip again in December after my mom and I got into a fight about the topic during Thanksgiving. I worked Thurs-Sun.

This time around, I simply couldn't risk having another pay period where I don't make enough to cover my bills.

I danced Wed, Sat, Sun and Monday. Wed and Sat I spent most my first two nights doing double girl dances with either my friend or another girl that works there. Saturday I had a couple come in to see me because I met them last time I was in town. I adore them because they met when they were teenagers, been together nearly 40 years and only been with each other. She's bi-curious so I just dance for her. It was fun, my knees are all beat up as expected. But after working Sunday night, I woke up on Monday morning hungover, crying, and I couldn't stop crying.

I cried because I felt so empty on the inside. I used to call my former step dad the suit of a man. The tragic irony now is that I feel like the shell of a woman. I kind of just want someone to love so that I feel something again.

Last night I paid $45 just to get onto the floor to dance. Then, I kept getting people that would tell me they weren't interested without even me saying, "Hi" first. So I went for a cigarette, the first time I did that since I started working. There was a guy who wanted dances. He took me to the VIP section and during the course of 4 songs proceeded to take his dick out at which point I got up. I kept telling him I don't think that's ok, he kept telling me it's ok it's VIP. He said I didn't have to touch it, but then he kept on trying to get me to touch it and hold it.

I haven't seen or touched a dick in 2 months. I freaked out. I think about my time, those 4 songs, that 80 dollars and I just break down into tears. I ended up making less than $40 last night dancing.

On a good night, meaning good people, good money, it can be fun, exhilarating at times. But when it's bad. It's scary. Some girls are very assertive, extroverts, many enjoy it. If I can be topless on stage and never have to do dances that would be awesome. But it's just not for me. I don't am too much of an introvert to work in a club.

I keep asking myself, "Where did I go wrong? When did my life get like this? How did I let my life get like this?"

I keep wanting to call my mom and apologize to her. Tell her "I'm sorry mommy, I'm sorry you worked so hard as an only parent my whole life, had us live on an $88/month food budget so that you could save up money for my college and all I did was just throw it all away. I'm sorry that this is what I chose to do. You raised me better. You gave me everything, and you don't deserve to have your child tarnish your legacy. I'm sorry. I just wanted to be an artist.

I don't know when it all started to get so hard. I'm tired. I'm so so so fucking tired. I don't have a clue on how to turn things around.

I simply don't recognize myself anymore. I just want to be home, get drunk and paint. It's just a shame I can't make a living off of what I love to do.

I think it's time to truly start thinking about the next chapter of my life and what I want from this life of mine. This is not ok.  I haven't been doing well at camming for nearly 2 years now. I need to stop kidding myself in thinking it will get better.

My main concern at this moment is self-preservation. I am scared because I seem to be making really bad choices.