Unwanted:

I never thought, I would be in my current predicament. 

First and foremost, when I was 2yrs old, my mom left me in China with my maternal grandparents and my father to split custody: one month here, one month there. 

One night, I'm not sure how old I was probably 4 or 5, my dad dropped me off, got into a fight with my grandparents. The next morning he showed up with all my things he had at his place. From that day, they no longer shared custody. I don't remember this.

But I do remember that when I was 5, my mom came back to China to get a divorce from my dad. 

I remember going to kindergarten and first grade feeling abandoned, wondering why I didn't have a mom like the other kids. My grandparents were my parents. 

I went to live with my mom in Canada at age 7. I watched her date, love, fight, cry, and then she met William. I was 11. They did the same, kiss, fight, make up, cry, split up, got back together, married, bought a house, divorced. 

I saw how hard it was for her, to raise me as a single parent, to do everything herself, physically and financially, not to mention emotionally. 

I ALWAYS knew if I ever brought a kid into this world that it would be because my spouse and I choose to do so. I wanted to be financially, physically, emotionally, psychologically ready. 

For the first time in my life, I feel like I do want children, but not with this person. 

For the whole duration of the time I spent with this person, I was adamant about condoms. I got drunk and I was not assertive about it. 

For 2 months, we were fucking in a hotel room and one night he went out and never came back. The next morning he text me and said he got sick of me. 

Thanksgiving eve, I called my mom to chat, I mentioned I was late and my concern because I knew I would never have his kid. 

Thanksgiving, I went out to buy the test. Tested positive twice. Texted him to tell him, haven't talked to him since. 

I, without a doubt, know that I am doing the right thing. This guy has 2 kids, and we've talked about the different ways we've tried to commit suicide. 

I never liked the way he talked about the mother of the kids he already has. I know how he talks about me now, and I don't want my kid to grow up like with that kind of negativity. 

I never thought I'd feel the way I do. I feel it, and I feel like I'm killing something that's growing. I feel evil. I consider having it and giving it up, but then, the kid would grow up wondering why they were given up for adoption. 

I just want it gone... I still have to try and raise the rest of the money I need, hopefully I will have a good week at work... but I'm not depending on it because something always comes up and I have to spend money. That's just the premises? Facts? 

Then, there's the emotions I'm feeling, the persistent cramp I feel on the right side, and the constant craving for different things.

I'm so sad. 

Past me always knew what I would in this predicament but I never anticipated that Present me would feel so heartbroken. 

May I find the courage, strength to do what I know in my head and heart is the right thing because it's not the right person. Maybe it's the right time, maybe it's the one and only time, but I know it's not the right person. 

As my mom says, "We don't want his genes."

03/12/20:

I haven't felt the need to write since my last post.

So, update, I am no longer attempting to end my life.

I adopted a cat.

I oftenly tell my friend who gifted her to me, that my cat may have saved my life.

For those of you who know me, it's a love-hate relationship between her and I.

But for my predisposition towards cats and my feelings towards mine... she must be something quite special.

But all that aside, I really need to rant. I have been here and there but I really need to put things down.

I've been under the weather sort of speak. I have expressed it to one of my managers whom I trust to not judge me, and he has undermine my illness at every turn and step. The first time I told him I was not feeling well, he blamed it on the tequila and or oysters. Then when my snot turned yellow/green and bloody, I took a picture and he told me it looked like a sinus infection. When I woke up with a sore throat last Thursday, Friday, then had to go into work on Friday... I felt trapped.

I reported each of my symptoms to my boss, and he disregarded them each and every time. Friday rolled around and I had one cancel because they were afraid we would go near Chinatown and get corona virus.  OK that's fine because I still spent that Friday in restaurants, a dessert place, shops, karaoke, arcade, bars, subway, etc... with my sore throat and all... with about a dozen other people.

While I was at the bar, which was the last place of the evening, I get a text message from my mom offering to send my face masks... I said "ok sure mom".

Monday, I get my face masks from my mom. Same night she sends me an article of how a Chinese man who was wearing a face mask got stabbed. It's unconfirmed whether or not the reason he got stabbed is due to discrimination of the mask, his race, or some other factor.

Now I'm faced with a new set of problems... wear a mask to potentially protect me from a virus, or risk people judging me and lashing out because I'm Chinese and wearing a face mask.

I'm not sure I can recall ever feeling so helpless.

Here are things that I am hearing:
Oh it's hype. This is how I look at it, "the last thing any government is to create mass hysteria, but Italy has shut down. Shutting down a COUNTRY has it's financial implications where they are not going to do it unless it is necessary."

The NBA has postponed games because from my perspective they can afford to, where as the NHL for now, are "consulting their medical experts" probably to wait to see how it plays out because they can't afford to shut it down.

Point, if a country is shutting the whole fucking country down and there's huge event venues being put to a halt.... can we please stop being in denial about this shit?

Seriously, this shit is real. I'm not saying you will get corona and die, but let's not make a joke out of this...

I'm not saying I have corona either, because my symptoms are not the same at all, I am sick, but being taken seriously and also discriminated against due to the symptoms i do have.