Unwanted:

I never thought, I would be in my current predicament. 

First and foremost, when I was 2yrs old, my mom left me in China with my maternal grandparents and my father to split custody: one month here, one month there. 

One night, I'm not sure how old I was probably 4 or 5, my dad dropped me off, got into a fight with my grandparents. The next morning he showed up with all my things he had at his place. From that day, they no longer shared custody. I don't remember this.

But I do remember that when I was 5, my mom came back to China to get a divorce from my dad. 

I remember going to kindergarten and first grade feeling abandoned, wondering why I didn't have a mom like the other kids. My grandparents were my parents. 

I went to live with my mom in Canada at age 7. I watched her date, love, fight, cry, and then she met William. I was 11. They did the same, kiss, fight, make up, cry, split up, got back together, married, bought a house, divorced. 

I saw how hard it was for her, to raise me as a single parent, to do everything herself, physically and financially, not to mention emotionally. 

I ALWAYS knew if I ever brought a kid into this world that it would be because my spouse and I choose to do so. I wanted to be financially, physically, emotionally, psychologically ready. 

For the first time in my life, I feel like I do want children, but not with this person. 

For the whole duration of the time I spent with this person, I was adamant about condoms. I got drunk and I was not assertive about it. 

For 2 months, we were fucking in a hotel room and one night he went out and never came back. The next morning he text me and said he got sick of me. 

Thanksgiving eve, I called my mom to chat, I mentioned I was late and my concern because I knew I would never have his kid. 

Thanksgiving, I went out to buy the test. Tested positive twice. Texted him to tell him, haven't talked to him since. 

I, without a doubt, know that I am doing the right thing. This guy has 2 kids, and we've talked about the different ways we've tried to commit suicide. 

I never liked the way he talked about the mother of the kids he already has. I know how he talks about me now, and I don't want my kid to grow up like with that kind of negativity. 

I never thought I'd feel the way I do. I feel it, and I feel like I'm killing something that's growing. I feel evil. I consider having it and giving it up, but then, the kid would grow up wondering why they were given up for adoption. 

I just want it gone... I still have to try and raise the rest of the money I need, hopefully I will have a good week at work... but I'm not depending on it because something always comes up and I have to spend money. That's just the premises? Facts? 

Then, there's the emotions I'm feeling, the persistent cramp I feel on the right side, and the constant craving for different things.

I'm so sad. 

Past me always knew what I would in this predicament but I never anticipated that Present me would feel so heartbroken. 

May I find the courage, strength to do what I know in my head and heart is the right thing because it's not the right person. Maybe it's the right time, maybe it's the one and only time, but I know it's not the right person. 

As my mom says, "We don't want his genes."