Grief:

They say it gets better with time, but in reality we grow stronger. Sometimes, it feels like I am numb to the pain.

Not long ago, someone made the observation that I peaked in 2012. It's true, but what most people don't know is that that August, I was attempting to place in the top 20 on MFC, half way through the month, I got a call that summoned me back to China because my grandpa's stroke condition worsened. When I got to China, he looked fine. I spent my time in China working in my hotel, and using break time to visit him in the hospital.

Before I left China, the last thing I told my grandpa was that I was going to be back in September. I got the call of his passing at 1:38AM on September 1st. He held out. I didn't keep my promise. Right before I got the call, I was online crying and complaining about finishing at #24 and how I "had" to go to China to see my grandpa when I got the call, and I thought if it weren't for that trip I probably would have made it.

After that, I had never felt more ashamed of myself. I got so caught up in the trivialness of the MFC competition, I lost sight of the person who mattered most to me. My grandpa was and is the only person that truly loves me 100% unconditionally. I can't even say that about my mom. I once told my grandpa, "When I look for a husband, I want to find someone like you." Can you imagine? Losing the epitome of your ideal man? He was the only person I believed to love me no matter what.

September 2012, I rushed home to China and made it for his funeral. 2 trips to China in less than a month. While I was gone, someone sent me 34tkns for every day I was away. That made me feel like I was missed. But it was too late, everything was about to change. I started to shut everyone out, I couldn't communicate my loss because I believed people who've never lost a loved one couldn't empathize.

I favored 2 members I trusted, 2 that could empathize, and 2 that got me through those years of tears. I could no longer bring myself to smile, nor dance, I simply couldn't bring myself to dance anymore. The "Vintage China Hotel Dance" video was shot while I was in China visiting my grandpa the last time before he passed. When I look at that video, it is a constant reminder of my ability to dance to the music prior to his passing. Even now, 3.5 years later, I find myself sitting idly on cam unable to move with fluidity.

Last month, my mom called me past 10PM her time, left me a message telling me that she loves me, twice. The first thought I got was, "who died". But after listening to the voicemail and there was no mention of death, I thought everything was ok. But the next day, my mom told me her best friend's daughter committed suicide in a motel room. She was younger than me, beautiful, smart, yet life was so fucking hard on her. She had an ongoing battle with addiction, going in and out of juvenile hall and detox places. Selfishly, her troubles made mine look like child's play. The anger I felt after this loss was so great again, I started shutting people out again and believing that no one can understand what I'm going through.

About a week later, I was scheduled to attend AVN. This brought me comfort because all I wanted to do was give my mom a hug and tell her that I love her. I thought about all the times I selfishly had the same desire to take my own life. I told my mom, apologized, and promised her I would never do the same to her. Her death made me realize the impact our lives have on people around us, and it made me realize my own mortality.

When I got back from AVN, I received news that my very first best friend I had when I moved to CA, her mom died of cancer. I used to spend my time after school with her family. They helped raise me. This was a different type of grief. This one we've known for nearly a year, yet it shook me. I am an only child, my mom has been a single parent most of my life. This one scared me, it reminded me of my own mom's mortality.

They say death comes in 3s, with the death of my mom's best friend's daughter and my childhood best friend's mom. I became paralyzed with fear, grief, anxiety, sadness.

Odd thing was, I was just starting to cope after news of the suicide, but after news of my friend's mom, I was stunned. Denial. Anger. Pretty standard when it came to Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of grief (psych major remember?). I was trying to make sense of it all but I couldn't. Life is not just, there is no karma, and there is no sense to be made when it comes to death. Dead is dead. There is no rational explanation for why these things happen.

Now, it's as if all my grief, has compounded. My grandpa, a child, a mother. I can't think about one without thinking about the others. I can't imagine what it would be like to be old and have people drop dead all around like flies because I already find myself unable to function. If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then why do I feel so weak? I question the connections I have now, tempted to sever them to save myself from the pain of more loss.

Thinking about how my grandpa held on for all those years, the selfish acts of a daughter who was too tired to fight, and how my friends mom held on while she was trying to battle cancer and the inevitable. I have come to the realization that our life is not just our life. It effects all the lives around us. We live for those around us.

I came to the realization, losing the man who I thought was the most perfect in the world, the one person I knew without a doubt how much he loved me, had a bigger impact than I realized. Past the inability to dance or smile like I used to, I also lost my self-esteem. I didn't just lose the one person I believed to have loved me no matter what, I lost the faith that I would find someone else like him because he was gone. How am I ever going to find someone like him ever again?

I don't beg because I don't feel like I deserve anything. I can't move and try to entice people because I don't believe anyone will like me and even if they did, it wouldn't be unconditional. I can't bring myself to do public shows because I don't want a following of people who love me naked. I want to hold on to the sliver of hope that there are still people that love me or care about me unconditionally. People that will stick by me no matter how I feel. People like my grandpa.

"Strong when everything is wrong"... I'm trying Audrey I really am.