Self Discovery:

For others to understand the cam world, beyond the stigma and their prejudices, we need to start talking openly about the impact it has on us personally. (I'm preparing myself to ask my mom if she wants to know what I do for a living because I would really like to explain what I do, why I did it, why I choose to keep doing it, what I have learned and what I hope to gain from this).

Here is one of my reasons I truly appreciate about my job as a cam girl:


For me, I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me, I feel inadequate when people do not like me. When I talk to people face to face, it can be very over-whelming for me because while I'm talking I'm also hyper aware of their mannerisms. From the expressions on their face, gestures, body movements; people say way more than what the ears hear.


This makes it very exhausting for me to be around a lot of people or to be in crowded spaces because I am constantly trying to take in all of the stimuli. This is why I bring cigarettes to bars/conventions/parties etc, I need an excuse to get away from people. Alcohol is my social lube.


Camming is unique because it takes that factor out of the equation. It gives me the ability to talk to people without seeing their body language helps me think without the distraction of analyzing how they are reacting. This makes it easier for me because I'm not as fixated on how they are taking something, I'm more focused on trying to express myself properly.

I've expressed to my mom before that I have a hard time finding the words to express myself verbally, while something is happening. But after the moment is gone, I'll realize what I was thinking or I'll put words to emotions, but I'm unable to do that on the spot because I am so caught up analyzing other things.

Trying to go outside of my comfort zone and talk to people. It makes me feel really awkward. But once I start talking, the self-doubt subsides a little. Being on cam is helping me be able to speak my mind more so in person.


One of these days I'm hoping to be able to speak my mind in a healthy way, not bottling it up and/or being passive aggressive.


After 6 years on cam, I'm still learning and trying to figure myself out. This is what I really appreciate about my job. The freedom to do whatever, which gives me the ability to find myself, at my pace, through the choices I make. They may not be the best or smartest choice, but they are mine, and if I make a mistake, I will try to learn from it. But I've always been the type to learn by actually doing, fucking shit up, and trying to pick up the pieces.