Blood

I don't even know where to begin but I haven't ranted "habitually" in a while.

I think I've been avoiding ... well everything.

I can't explain this lack of motivation I feel. Days I don't work, I can't even get myself to leave my bed let alone my apt, and there's this pile of God know what that's always in my bed. I can clear it but the next day it's back. Same with the things on the floor. I can have someone come over to help me clean but then everything goes back to the way it was.

I keep talking about my mom and the thing is, it's my mom that pointed out that I talk about people because I'm thinking of them. It can be good or bad, but I remember once I was trying to get over this guy who was a complete jerk and my mom simply demanded she didn't want to hear me talk about him ever again.

I miss her but I miss the good. Then I think about the bad, and the bad is exceptionally dark.

I think about how family meant everything to my grandpa, and I admired him like mad for that.

So my natural reaction is to crawl back to an psychologically and formerly physically abusive mother.

But having her in my life isn't healthy. It's never been because she makes me feel like a burden. I felt that she consistently choose a strange man who was not my father over her own flesh and blood.

Now she's alone and miserable because my ex step dad cheated on our family. I don't condone his actions but I also knew how unbearable my mom was. I was and am scared of her because he hurt her and I feel like he would and will again if she lets him back into her life, which she seems like she is doing.

I look back at the 8yrs of piano lessons she forced me to take when I am completely tone deaf, why? She wanted to give me something she wanted but it just wasn't for me. She used to make me give her money if I didn't practice piano which is a really weird punishment for a kid who does not have a job and only an allowance.

I wish I got to take art lessons instead, but I didn't say anything. She forced an aspiration onto me while ignoring a talent I did have. I think it's selfish.

Last March I found a suicide letter i wrote dated 20yrs ago, I was a child, and I felt like such a burden on her life. She made me feel like I kept her from doing the things she wanted.

Now I find myself saying super fucked up things to people I care about and my words have her spikes and I'm so fucking angry.

I'm angry that she didn't just have a freaken abortion like she did with all her other pregnancies.

I fucking cried when I heard someone call me by my given name because it had been so long since I've heard it be used. But part of me wondered why does it bother me so much, when it's just my "given name"? A name that was put onto us by the people who choose to have us. That girl, my momma's girl, she's gone.

I just don't understand how people can wake up every day with the will to live because I sure as hell did not choose to be born.

This whole concept of having kids and family is fucking weird. I mean as a self-aware living being, I didn't choose life. Why does my family make me feel like I owe them something for raising me. It's not even like they did a good job of it. I mean they tried but they fucking sucked because if a 10yr old wants to kill herself, who's fault is that?

I don't know how to snap out of this feeling like I'm worthless. I'm not taking very good care of myself. I don't even know where to begin. I think I just keep going to sleep, waking up and thinking one day I'll wake up and things will change.

But realistically speaking, nothing will change if I don't change. So one thing I'm trying to change is to not crawl back to my mom for validation because there's nothing to validate.

She feels like she went out of her way to give me what she couldn't have. But from my perspective, I didn't ask her to give up or sacrifice anything on my behalf, and I absolutely hate feeling like I am indebted to her.

I don't like to feel like I'm indebted to anyone. I take pride in my drive to be independent even though it sometimes makes my life infinitely harder to not ask for help.

I sometimes feel like she's trying to cash a voucher I can't give. My whole life I felt so much weight, to get good grades, to be good, I just felt this huge burden to live up to my family's expectations because I'm an only child.

I've been thinking about my childhood a lot lately. I feel the truth is, I got in the way. My mom was raising a child, by herself, one who is the offspring of someone she probably despised or feared, I must have been a burden.

I feel like what I felt as a kid might have not been untrue. Maybe it wasn't just how she made me feel but something that she truly felt herself.

That's the all in the past but it's putting a strain on my present.

My mom left me in China at the age of 2. Then from about 2-4 or 5, I would spend one month with my dad, one month with my mom's parents. I remember crying to my grandparents on the phone and wanting to leave my dads. My mom later told me, I also cried to my dad's family and didn't want to leave them, but I have no memory of that.

I just felt like I was being passed back and forth, until the day my dad dropped me off at my grandparents along with all my stuff.

(Oddly enough, I later married a man who dropped all my stuff off at my parents house.)

Feeling unwanted by the two sides of my family as a kid, makes me incredibly terrified... of everything and everyone.

I'm having a very hard time understanding other people's motivation for living, because I don't see the point.

I am constantly keeping people at a distance or pushing them away because I am petrified of how useless I feel when I get abandoned.

My crazy gets so out of control, I want to spare those I care about. I don't know if it's insane or heroic.

I'm horny all the time, and I've always been like that but sometimes I wonder if it's just a desire to feel something. Maybe what I really need, is to be accepted, not for who people think I am, nor who they want me to be. But who I actually am.

I got called an "attractive ball of crazy", I think that has to be one of my favorite descriptions of me because the I am flattered this person thinks I am attractive, and even I, will agree that I am a "ball of crazy".

Sometimes I make more of an effort to hide it. IE I feel this pressure to pretend to be "normal" when I try to date. But I'm not normal, so I will try to explain myself to people and then they typically lose interest, or get scared idk. I think sometimes I try to scare people away.

I was raised with a saying "hitting is affection, yelling/scolding is love". It's so fucked up. Love shouldn't hurt. It doesn't really help to yell, what does help is trying to explain your perspective even if you don't understand it yourself. TRY.

I'm trying to break some really deeply ingrained bad habits. Some days it feels like I am drowning while others I feel like I might have a chance. 

My thoughts have been all over the place and I've been avoiding getting into the downward spiral of thinking about my family woes, while I also touch on it. So here's my attempt to ditch some baggage.

Vent.

Hope that it's a step towards letting go some of the weight I carry.