"Selfish & insecure, spoiled whiny bitch":

Woke up to a text from Dave that read "You're a selfish & insecure, spoiled whiny bitch".

Which considering the topic of "exs" has been on my mind lately the timing is freaky.

So let's put this in perspective. Dave and I dated for about 3.5yrs while I was in college, we lived together, fought, & fucked. That relationship fucked me up so much all of my courtships with men since is around 3-5mos. The lows I felt, how crazy I got, I'll never forget how much I hated that version of me. I never want to feel those things ever again so I've just subconsciously avoided getting serious with guys I dated.

We've been broken up for over a decade now. I did see him before I moved because he came over to help me pack up my apt, we didn't hook up but him being there, we fought and I realized we're toxic to each other. He brings out the very worst in me and I do not make him a better man. It's been over 5yrs since I've seen him.

In Feb, I contacted because I wanted to tell him something. I kind of intended to take it to the grave, but I was so tired. I selfishly told myself I was doing him a favor, severing the last of his feelings for me was the best thing to do for him. Before I always felt like he was holding onto the positives without knowing all the darkness. He was in love with a woman who loved him. But he didn't understand the monster he turned her into. I just wanted him to see me for who I became not who I was when I first fell in love with him.

So it's been 3mos since I last spoke with him or contacted him. He chooses today to text me. OK. It was actually nicer than what his mom said, and even what she said, I agreed with her. So Dave's text idk. Both of theirs actually.

His mom said something about how I deserve the very worst in life, how there's a special place in Hell for me. Yup. I agree.

His text said something he wants to beat me up and wishes I'd get locked up. Ok, so do to me what he did to our walls. Lock up? Have you seen OITNB? I'd Lil-Soso that shit.

But ok in all seriousness, their words, I've been beating myself up for a very long time, and there's a part of me that will always carry that weight.

I am all those things he said. I am selfish, I absolutely hate that about myself.

I am painfully insecure.

I've been spoiled rotten.

I complain incessantly.

I give what I get. I can be a bitch/cunt. I can be kind/generous.

Here's the thing, sticks and stones may break my bones, but you know why words will never hurt me? Because my fucked up head is constantly criticizing myself, hating on myself... like he said... it's the insecurity.

He then said something about how I should delete his number and never contact him.

I understand his anger. I felt that for a very very long time. I hated him because I became a person who scared myself.

I could have been a selfish coward and not told him, but I decided to be a selfish bitch and tell him a truth I owed him.

I just want to move on because I'm just so tired of punishing myself and hating so much.

Goodbye Dave.

I tell myself it wasn't love, but there was a moment in there where we did purely, and truly love each other. We never got married but I was your wifey and you were my hubby.

But what it turned into, that was not love. People should never be that toxic to each other, and that's what we became for each other. I don't ever want to "love" like that ever again.