Monogamy:

I am upset to tears right now and I don't think I can even try and attempt sleep until I just ramble out words.

Around the age of 14-15, my mom told me "All men cheat. If they don't do it they think about it." She later proceeded to tell me that every guy she's ever dated or married has cheated on her.

At 16, that's exactly what I repeated to the first boy I kissed.

My mom, she had an abortion before she got pregnant with me because she was unsure about the status of her marriage. She had me and left me to be raised with my grandparents at 2.

She was scared of my biological father to the extent she told me she would check his bag for a gun or stand with her back to a post on the subway because she feared getting pushed onto the tracks.

He made her fear for her life, and I'm the product of that relationship.

Tonight, I met a married guy of 16yrs who talked about his relationship unlike anyone I've ever met.

He talked about the highs, lows, kids, and I am shaken to the core because I didn't know men like him existed.

I love men and women. When I fall for a guy, that's my dick, but women they are so magnetic.

To some extent, I don't think I can ever just be happy with one woman forever, but I could about a dick.

So, I've always given guys a "pass". As in, I understand because if a hot chick was in front of me, I'd prob try to hook up with her too. I don't expect guys to be faithful to me but I want honesty in regards to their involvement with other women, partially because I'm living vicariously through their dick.

I love women in the sense like I can't see myself being happy, nor faithful to one woman forever. I would definitely crave the dick, men, their essence, and I would skirt chase other chicks.

I love men but I don't see myself being faithful to one because I love women.

I'm loyal and I'm a playboy.

I just can't believe I met a guy who has his type of mentality.

I admire it, but I know it's too late for me.

I just want for all the little girls in the world to know that there are good guys out there. Ones who are capable of being completely dedicated to their woman.

I hate my mom and even grandma for plaguing my mentality with this idea that all men want is sex, or that they are sexually driven without self-control.

The whole time, I kept thinking to myself I love how much you love your wife, I wish someone felt that way about me.

It didn't make me want to try and take it because then he wouldn't possess the quality I admired about him.

It didn't make me want to find that for myself because my feelings in regards to women make me incapable of being faithful to a man.

It just made me want to make sure that I try and get rid of my preconceived notion about men.

It made me think about not passing the view onto others.

I thought about the guy who no longer wanted threesomes after a certain stage in our relationship and I hated it.

That doesn't work for me, but I'm realizing maybe he was just one of those guys. I don't want a guy who is closed off to the idea of threesomes but I want to truly believe that there are men in the world who are capable of monogamy.

I honestly just don't believe that's possible, to be monogamous to one woman, but today I'm wondering how much that has to do with how I was raised.