Still alive but not for lack of trying.
For the longest time, I couldn't see the point to life.
Call it an existential crisis but I've been in a financial shit hole for a few years now, hence why I had to find other sources of income.
I was trying to save up so I can move out of my apt and into an RV but I can't even cover my rent right now so the RV dream seems so much further away.
My family abandoned me for the second time in my life and I promised myself it's the last.
The people around me, my hopes that I could turn my financial situation around, kept me going for some time.
For me, there's a big difference between not wanting to live, wanting to die, praying, fantasizing about death and actually attempting to end one's life.
I crossed all the lines.
I tried to cut but I don't have the pain tolerance nor courage to go deep enough. I realized I needed a razor not a knife.
I tried to take sleep syrup and hoped to fall asleep in my tub and slip into the water.
I woke up and realized my bathtub is not deep enough.
I fantasized about trying again with sleep syrup and a bag taped around my neck.
I acquired topical anesthesia in case I wanted to try slitting my wrist again with a sharper tool.
I think about jumping off my roof but I fear it won't finish the job and I'd just wake up in the hospital.
I wonder where I can purchase a gun or if I should just visit a shooting range in another state and do it nice and quick.
I cross the street, see a car coming and I pray that it runs me over and that's the end.
It's pathetic I can't even manage to kill myself.
It's not just one thing. It's everything that's wrong in my life.
I'm 3k behind on my rent, my family doesn't want anything to do with me, guys online don't care, I have no one.
I'm just so done. I've quit trying to survive for a while, but now not only do I welcome Death, I'm trying to get to her myself.
I'm so tired of praying and hoping for little things in my life to start getting better.
Tired of trying without a shred of success.
Tired of feeling like no one loves me.
Please give me the courage to end it once and for all.