I wrote this entry nearly a week ago but my internet was out and I never ended up posting it...
This isn't just some depressive episode, nor some emotional response.
I have been wondering what motivates people to keep going and survive for over a year now.
It started with the financial troubles, I've been struggling to make rent for years now, unable to save enough to move.
My "friends" just take take take or use me to make money. Not sure why I keep letting people into my life, especially after JK.
I remember my mom calling me last Feb '17 or so and asked me to go home and retrieve my things from her house because she was moving.
I remember crying to her on the phone because I was behind on rent and I couldn't afford to take time off of work to make the trip.
She told me, "Do what you need to survive, it's what I always did."
I went back to visit her last March '17, got rid of 3/4ths of my stuff, sold my car and shipped 14 boxes to my apt in NYC.
During my trip, my mom threatened to kill herself. Well, I once made a promise I would never do that to her after her best friend's daughter committed suicide.
I told my uncle to keep an eye on her considering they live in the same city.
Not even sure how we made up after that trip.
She asked me to visit her again in October '17 because she wanted to break my Thanksgiving pact and go on a trip instead of spending my favorite day together.
This trip she told me that we're done.
My uncle was the icing on the cake, my mom's needs were more important than mine.
It was hard enough trying to keep up with rent when I had family but not having them in my life, made everything seem infinitely harder.
Then I was hell bent to create my own wolf pack, surround myself with people who I care about, and vice versa.
It shocked me just how little everyone cared.
It's been over a week since I made attempts to take my own life.
I've deleted my social media pages, my phone's been off for about a week, my home internet has been cut for a few days now.
I've done more research since then, thought about this, fantasized about it for a very long time.
I joked about a game of Russian Roulette on cam, to be honest, I always wanted to do this via live stream so that people can see just how much damage they can do to a person.
I researched about cyanide. Then I remembered how awful it was to wake up after getting my stomach pumped in college. I really don't want to survive another attempt.
It wasn't just one person, or one thing, it was everyone and everything.
When it was just financial, the promise I made my mom kept me going.
When she threatened to kill herself, I voided that promise I made to her because if I am not enough for her to keep living, why do I owe her the same courtesy?
I tried to focus on people I care about but it seems my feelings towards others never quite match my own.
I'm sleep deprived, took some sleep syrup, got my bag and tape, just waiting to be extremely tired so that I can just fall asleep quickly.
If I wake up from this, I'm going to be really upset.
After this post I tried to sleep with a bag taped around my head. But I woke up. I tried again the following night.
Again, I woke up.
It might be some type of reflex to ripe the bag off one's head due to oxygen deprivation.
All the failed attempts in the last 2 weeks, I've come to the conclusion that the instinct to survive is innate. So I've given up on making attempts to take my own life until I find a better method.
People tell me to get help, see a psychiatrist, but help doesn't change anything.
Talking to someone isn't going to change the fact that no one cares, nor change my financial situation.
Doesn't matter who I care about, the truth is, no one cares about whether or not I live or die.
I don't have anyone on this planet that loves me.
That's really all I want, is for someone to love me.
But I look around me, the mess I'm in both literally and physically and I just know it's not possible because there's nothing to love.
I'm pretty sure the only way to successfully do this is to purchase a gun. Might have to cross some state lines but at least I know it will get the job done.
I never thought I'd ever be in this place again. I've never been here for so long, and made so many attempts. Usually after an attempt, a day, two, I eventually see how irrational my head was, but this time is different. Day after day I keep thinking about it, I try time after time.
I keep praying for death. I see a car and just think please run me over. Please kill me.
I never asked to be born. I never asked for the things my mom thinks she sacrificed to give me. I'm so tired of feeling like I owe her something.
I'm so tired of trying to survive.
So tired of knowing no one cares.