I grew up with a lot of physical and psychological abuse.
It quite literally makes me want to turn around and inflict the same pain back onto the world.
I keep that dark side of myself under tight lock and key.
It slips out when I drink.
I hate pain. I hate people who try to manipulate me psychologically.
I am not a masochist in the least bit, but sometimes I tolerate it because I'm used to enduring pain.
In my experience, letting it happen and pass is easier than retaliation.
I hate myself for not speaking up.
I hate myself for being afraid to speak up.
I hate myself for taking it as if I am getting what I deserve.
Deep down, I just want to be held and loved, but I just don't feel like anyone cares about what I want or need.
I feel so much rage and anger.
It's like my blood is boiling underneath my skin and I fantasize about inflicting the pain I feel onto others.
I've put myself on lockdown until this anger subsides.
I'm so mad at myself for being so docile, I want to hit something.
I've been playing Injustice2 so I can direct my aggression at a game instead of people.
This is one of many reasons I am afraid to have kids because my mom and grandma used to take everything out on me.
I'm starting to see it was never about me, I wish I could tell my inner child that.
I wish I could go back and tell myself abuse is not love.
But all I can really do, is be better.
Break the cycle.