Wednesday, August 1, 2018

9 Lives:

I feel like I've lived the lives of many in my 30 something years.

I was born in China, I have childhood friends where we may not talk when we are apart but when we get together it's like no time has passed and we are kids again.

I've seen the Great Wall, Terra Cotta Warriors, the Palaces of the old emperors, Tian Men Square, and been to countless cities in China.

We had no running hot water in our apt, and my grandparents taught me how to be frugal.

I lived in Toronto, became a Canadian citizen when I was 7. It was there I started to take French and piano lessons.

The piano lessons went on for 8yrs.

My mom took me to Disney World in FL when I was 8 or 9.

I spent some time living in Kansas.

We later moved to California.

Did a foreign exchange program in high school. Spent a week in a little town on the border of France and Switzerland, called Ferney-Voltaire.

I got to spend my 16th birthday in Paris. Saw Monet's home in Giverny, the Mona Lisa at the Louvre, Eiffel Tour, the other Statue of Liberty. Had my first drink at a TGIFridays on my 16th birthday in Paris: it was a "Sex on the Beach". Walked through the red light district and got to see the Moulin Rouge briefly.

My family once stopped in S. Korea because my mom wanted to try Korea's Korean food. Got to see a mesmerizing aquarium.

Went to college in a beautiful beach city and fell in and out of love with my college sweetheart. It was that relationship that broke me. It's not that I swore not to love, I just didn't believe in it anymore.

I got to see Paul McCartney play in Liverpool, he messed up during "Blackbird" and says "Oop That proves to you it's live". I later saw him play in Chicago, NYC, and New Jersey.

Saw my favorite Turner at the National Gallery in London, completely accidental but the best surprise at an art museum to date. Had fish and chips because that's a must in England.

I've been on a camel in Dubai, got to go sand dune bashing and eat lavish food. Saw all the aquariums in Dubai.

I've been to the red light district in Amsterdam, saw Van Gogh's museum, smoked flowers in coffee shops while sipping on coffee. Visited the Heineken Brewery and the Anne Frank house.

Experienced loss unlike any other when my grandpa passed, he was my favorite person and probably the only person who loved me unconditionally.

Drove 152mph on my 26th birthday on my way to SF. Took myself to a Giants game, ate sandwiches at the wharf, bought myself a Tiffany's ring and got to see a Patrick Hughes in person.

Got to live in my favorite city in the world. I love all the art museums, the park, to watch the sun rise and set all over the city.

I got to see all 3 of VanGogh's bedrooms in one place, which was unbelievable to me because I've seen them all separately in 3 different countries.

I've visited countless cities in the US due to my job as a camgirl. Met the most interesting people.

I accidentally fell in love again. I didn't want to, because my relationship in college changed me. I was afraid of how a person can affect me and turn me into someone I didn't like. So, I did everything in my power to show my new love the most unattractive sides of me, but I couldn't push him away.

To me, it was proof that the heart is stronger than I ever gave it credit for, because not only can it be dead for a decade but it can also heal.

But he's so broken, he deserves someone that's not damaged like me to show him that love doesn't have to hurt, nor be consuming.

I look back on my life, and I'm proud of all of my experiences.

But as I look around at my life currently, I'm lonely and I feel empty.

I've been so lucky.

But I just don't see the point in any of it.

People tell me to look forward and I'm trying.

I try to think about things I would like to do in the future.

I always wanted my hair really short, sides shaved like a faux hawk type and be able to style it differently every day. After my two failed attempts of sleep syrup and a trash bag taped around my head, how sweaty my head got with all the hair, not liking my hair being pulled, I decided to cut off all my hair.

I felt like it was a bucket list thing: short hair.

So then I started to think about my actual bucket list (in hopes of finding something to live for).

I've always wanted to see the Northern lights because I love colors.

I still want to get an RV, visit all the 48 states, monuments, and maybe Canada. Since I am Canadian and all.

I've had two people propose to me with rings but neither felt right. I guess there's still a part of me that wants one where there's not a doubt in my head that it's coming from the right man.

I want to be a throuple like the creators of Wonder Woman.

I wonder what it's like to be a mother. My most recent desire and attempts to kill myself made me question that desire. I can never if I am so mentally unstable.

I cannot imagine myself as a old person, nor even being a grandma. But the question is, can anyone?

I don't really feel like my list is motivation enough to keep my going because I just feel so alone.

I try and surround myself with people at work, but it leaves me feeling so painfully empty on the inside.

I think about how a few minutes of physical pain might be able to permanently terminate this ongoing emotional pain I feel.

As I contemplate a sure method, I have not made any attempts since the failed bag attempts. I think part of me feels lame for failing so many times.

I've had some people reach out to me but part of me thinks, "It's easy for you to say because you have things to live for."

I'm just not sure what I have to live for, but I'm trying to find it, while not seeing the point in searching.

It's August today, I owe over 3k in rent.

A month from now, 9/01 it will be the anniversary of my grandpa's death, followed by his birthday.

Thanksgiving is coming up shortly after. It's my favorite day of the year, because it's all about being with family, so I promised my mom we would always spend Thanksgiving together. Last year, she broke the pack and I spent Thanksgiving with a girl I didn't really know to avoid spending it alone.

This year, I don't want to make it to Thanksgiving, let alone another snow fall.

I honestly cannot bare the thought of spending it by myself.

At this point, I don't know how to get better, nor do I have the will to do so.

So meanwhile I'm just going about day to day life, putting on a smile for others, hoping that I'll either be successful with an attempt or find an anchor or anchors to hold me to physical plane.

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