Ticking Time Bomb:

People used to compare me to Inspector Gadget because I like to have a bunch of handy things on me.

Right now, I feel like that letter that self destructs.

I've quite honestly pushed away everyone I care about. Family, friends, models, members, everyone. All I can say, is I thought I was trying to protect those I love.

I know I said lots of mean things, but I felt like me hurting you all now, will hurt a lot less than letting you all stand by me and watch me destroy my self and my life. From my perspective, my reasoning, this might be the most selfless thing I have ever done.

I thought is it better to push people away, have then be mad or not like me now. Or let them stick by me as I downward spiral? I don't want to strap people I care about onto a sinking ship.

I randomly burst into tears when I think about some of the things I've said to people I love. I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to hug me and tell me it will be ok. But yet I don't want to put that burden on anyone.

I know that wasn't my choice to make for others, but I can't stand the thought of dragging people I care about down with me. I don't want pity.

Crying in Asian cultures, especially in my family, it's not accepted. My grandma hates it and yells, my uncle laughs, my mom just freezes up, and me I cry more during things I watch than things I experience. I cry for others, I rarely cry for myself.

When I want to cry for myself, I was simply trained to do it alone. Not let anyone see. I find myself in tears a lot when I'm alone these days. It's why it's been nice to be around people. The company makes me try harder to keep myself together.

Yes, I need help, but I don't expect it from others when I don't even know how to help myself at this moment.

I just see myself as a ticking time bomb, I'm trying my best to be stable but in case I blow, I just want to detonate in peace. I don't want anyone around as collateral damage.

I wish I had the courage to apologize to everyone personally right now. But I simply can not let myself do that yet because I'm still not ok. I'll try to fix thing if I get better, but right now I'm trying to protect people in case I break.

Is it crazy for me to feel this way? Have I already lost my sanity?