Bitch:

I have been administered 3 IQ tests in my life:

1. The first was my senior year of high school, I scored 144. 
2. The second was in college, I got 144 (yet again). 
3. The third was actually part of a job interview post college, and I was stoned as fuck. I scored 153. (Which IQ does increase with age but I've always been amused at the fact that I was really high, that fact has always enabled my love of weed). 

With that said, I may be bright and clever, but I am so not personable. I have a really hard time making connections with people, and they often think I'm a bitch or that I don't like them. People who's work I admire, I have a hard time expressing myself without raving about them, which can make people uncomfortable because I think they question how genuine it is given they don't know me and I don't actually know them. 

So the friendships that I have formed with others in this industry has always came before the "work" aspect. I have always tried to preserve those friendships over trying to make money with said individuals. When I talk about my friends, I would just use their nicknames or something instead of their screen names because I always felt like when I said their screen names out loud and I heard myself talking, I didn't want to seem like I was name dropping. 

But honestly this normally isn't a problem. But I worry way too much, and it's gotten so much worse lately. The only way I can seem to hush the self doubt is with alcohol. I can't seem to even pretend to be confident lately and it's driving me nuts. I have so much going for me yet I can't seem to make any of it work for me. I see my ideas left and right, but I feel like I'm slipping into the shadows. I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I don't know what I'm doing. 

So how do I stop this downward spiral of a negative shit show waiting to happen? 

Be more alert, the substances are not really helping the being alert thing. After this weekend, I'm going to have to cut back on the self medicating. (Yes, I'm well aware, but shit like this is easier said than done). People kept telling me about parts of the weekend that I don't remember, that scares the shit out of me. 

Start focusing on the task at hand. My attention span has been extra short lately. I'm not getting a lot of things done. That's probably another reason why I feel shitty about myself. I keep thinking I need to do things that I don't end up doing. 

Setting goals and achieving them is important. 

I was feeling unhappy with my body, so I've been working out, I'm starting to see changes and that's making me feel better about my appearance. 

But I just don't feel good about myself on the inside either. I've been doubting my creativity. All my paintings on my wall, I'm not impressed with them, I think they are average. So I have I feel uninspired to draw or paint. 

I had a trouble with the aerial section of my Etsy shop, where the chains are changing color but I can't find a cost efficient replacement, and that's been stressing me out. 

Camming has been so foreign to me while I've been trying to be less "non-nude". Seeing names that are there and not doing anything just seems so pointless to me, I end up banning room sitters which is really bad because people take it so personally when in fact, I don't know them. 

I just don't feel like I'm doing anything right. 

Ok refocus. Someone suggested I replace thoughts with things I'm grateful for, I'm grateful for the friends I have. I'm grateful I can honestly say to someone, "Hey I need help." and have a person say, "I am here for you". That is so so so amazing. I'm afraid to ruin it. Which is where I need to remember that it's thinking like this that starts the downward spiral of doubt. 

Ultimately I know I need the approval of others to feel good about myself, and that needs to change. I know I need to live my life for myself, throw in the towel and say fuck it! 

So goals this weekend: HAVE FUN! If I doubt myself, it will show instantly, remember who I will be with, if she didn't want to work, she wouldn't have offered. So I need to stop believing I'm subpar. I have definitely toned up since we made the plans. I'm excited about this, focus on the excitement. 

Remember to orgasm and get sufficient sleep or else I'll get grumpy.