Dream:

So I'm told that dreams reveal our hearts desire.

Well I had a dream that about a guy replying to the text message that I sent before I fell asleep, and in that dream he also commented on my twitter and blog. I then briefly woke up, fell back to sleep, yet I was under the impression that it truly happened because I had woken up. How very odd. I don't quite understand that part.

Another thing I remember about the dream that actually did make sense, "If I don't try to do things that make me uncomfortable, how will I ever grow as a person?"

I'm watching "How to Steal a Million" before I get on cam, a model on twitter commented that "Breakfast at Tiffany's" was her favorite but the only thing is, that movie bothers me because there's a quote that hits too close to home:

“You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing,' and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”

I know I've built this cage for myself, to keep me safe, protected. But it cowardice. I am being a fucking coward. 

"Optimism is the foundation of courage." 

I need to be a little more optimistic, so that I can be brave and find the courage to be a stronger person. 

Bans:

Bans not personal because I don't actually know you as a person, so don't get your panties all in a bunch and get all butt hurt over it. There are thousands and thousands of models online. Find one that you will be kind to.

I ban people who are in my room and don't talk to me or are idle in my room because they make me feel like an object of desire instead of a human being. This is the main reason I ban, especially when I call someone out, say hi and I get no response, I will ban you and maybe for life. Please remember that I am a person and I came online for the social interaction.

I ban people who talk yet make me feel like a piece of meat because I want people to like me not just for my looks but for me as a person.

I also ban people when I am unable to talk to understand them, as in we simply don't see eye to eye. Again, this is my problem not yours.

I ban PM viewers because they do not contribute to the livelihood of my chatroom, therefore my happiness on cam.

I ban people with tokens who sit idly in my room and don't tip me because they have already given MFC their money, yet their actions tell me I'm not worth anything. Again, they are not supporting my livelihood on cam.

Sometimes the bans are not about not talking to me, nor not tipping me, it's simply the fact that looking at your screen name makes me feel bad about myself, and if I don't have to look at your screen name, I won't feel bad.

I have also banned members certain who use my room as a rest stop when their favorite models are not on cam.

I ban people who don't spend money on MFC because they don't contribute to the livelihood of the website that puts the roof over my head.

My views on banning are extremely harsh and terribly different than most models, and you may think I am a cunt but I just don't care because I care about my own happiness. That is why I ban, and ban so many people because I'm all about quality and not quantity.

What makes me happy and keeps you from getting banned? Try taking interest in me as a person. Ask me meaningful questions about myself, my views. Don't just tip for tits and ask if I will meet up with you. That makes me feel like shit. The way men lust for me on cam disgusts me because it makes me feel like an object that is perishable and replaceable. This isn't to say that I am not sexual or lust is bad. I am just saying that I don't like it when people purely lust after me because I am trying to create an environment where people like me as a person and we can have a decent substantial conversation with each other.

I do understand that I work on a sex site that entertains the lust of people. But you have to remember that I work for myself. I live for myself, and this is what I want.

I want a following that appreciates me as a person, and not just how I look naked because I think I look awesome naked. To have people like me just for my nudity would be too easy.

You can tip 1001tkns with Un-ban in the tip note. ATTN: If you are ignored, I wont be able to see your tip when I'm online, only in the form of offline tips/tip notes.

Fear:

I got a text on the 10th, from my college boyfriend who I dated for 3.5yrs. Despite the fact that I ignored his text, it still brought back a lot of pain, memories, and resentment.

Last night, I was upset and I responded. I blamed him for my lack of trust and all he wanted was to talk in person and try dating again. What the fucking fuck?!?!?! KILL ME.

There's not a fucking chance in hell.

I spent all night crying my eyes out. Aside from losing my grandpa, I have never ever cried so hard in my life. I was crying because my heart hurts. I hate the fact that I can't just enjoy a person's company without the fear of getting hurt.

That in itself is painful.

While my heart hurts, my brain tells me that what I feel right now is nothing in comparison to what I will be feeling about this down the road.

I just hurt so much right now, but my brain tells me that it will be okay.

Funny how people get jealous of who I'm fucking or seeing, yet they don't realize just how difficult it is for someone to stay in my life because I, myself, will innately isolate myself out of fear.

Self-Sabotage

Leave it to me to find a perfectly good guy and my only thought is, "I'm going to get hurt and I'm not going to let that happen".

I honestly am not completely sure why I do this to myself. Why can't I just have a good thing and not be afraid?

The last person I tried to date was two years ago. He told me he was emotionally unavailable and I thought to myself, "I'm going to make you love me".

This time when a guy tells me he doesn't want a relationship right off the bat, my thought is, "I have to do everything in my power not to like this guy, or else I'm just going to get hurt again".

Some where between making out with girls, threesomes and a sex party, I realized I was trying to distance myself emotionally, but none of that worked. It only made me like him more. How stupid is that?

I see his face in every guy I look at, I've been craving hamburgers every freaken day, and all of it is driving me nuts. I hate feeling insecure. My fear of being hurt is making me want to go back to pretending like I'm a fearless badass with no heart.

On the other hand, what I want at this moment, is to cuddle up with The Princess Bride, and remember why I think I can't see this guy any more because he sparked something inside of me: the I desire to believe in true love.

Even this post is confusing me. Do I want to find someone to love or do I want to be alone? At this pace I'm going to die alone.

I'm going to make myself a burger and watch The Princess Bride, perhaps that will make me feel better.

The Princess Bride:

I often say that this is my favorite movie of all time. So let's break down who/what/when/where/why.

When I was in college, I was in a relationship for 3.5 years. It was my longest relationship, since then my relationships or even the people I date, don't last more than 6mos.

During one of many toxic fights, he stormed out of the house we were living in, and came home with The Princess Bride.

I simply fell in love with the movie. A movie about true love, sportsmanship with the perfect comedic relief.

Growing up without a model relationship to look up to, I'm not sure true love exists, but this movie made me believe... it made me want it and want to look for it.

I started falling asleep to this movie every night during college for over a year while I was still dating my college "sweetheart" because I was so comforted by the movie.

I shy away from watching the movie when my heart feels cold as stone because I'm afraid it's too cold to be warmed by the movie. I'm afraid that the movie will lose it's magic because I don't feel anything.

But when I'm open to the possibility of love, I will sit down and watch it. I cry on cue during certain scenes followed by laughter through those tears.

Part of me is still resentful at him for ruining my outlook on relationships. He ruined me because I thought he was "the one". I was sure of it, he would call me wifey and I would call him hubby. But I fucked that up, I kissed another guy and then hooked up with my ex and then told him about it because of the guilt I felt. Instead of breaking up, we just kept trying to make it work. We couldn't admit to ourselves or each other that it just wasn't working. No matter how shitty he treated me, I just took it.

Fueled by ego and self-righteousness, denial is poisonous. 

But honestly speaking, I ruined me.

Towards the end of our relationship, I was vagina crazy. I really wanted to find a girl for a threesome, but instead I started dating a girl on the side, behind his back.

I do this a lot when I am with a guy... go for women. When I was 16, my mom told me all men cheat, if they don't do it, they think about it. Since I've started dating, I've always tried to beat them to the punch.

I think, I simply hate men. I hate men because their lust disgusts me. Their lust disgusts me because it makes me feel like an object that is perishable, replaceable and invaluable. When a relationship is too sexual, no matter how good the sex is, I get bored because it lacks substance. The ones that don't disgust me because they like me as a person: scare me. I'm afraid because I'm afraid of opening up and getting hurt. My fear of getting hurt perpetuates this cycle of self-sabotage where I try to hurt those I'm with before they can hurt me.

I do this with members I get close to, I can get really mean because I'm fear they will leave, so I push them away. I do this with guys I date, I'm afraid they will cheat and their heart will stray, so I project my fear and cheat on them with women.

I want to find a person who looks at me the way my grandpa looked at me, the look of unconditional love. I am happiest when I connect with people. I feel exhilarated when I am wander the streets of a foreign place. I want to travel the world and explore different cultures. My very first belief towards kids was that I didn't want to birth my own. There are too many people on this planet. At most, I thought I would adopt. Then looking at my family, I just didn't want kids because I'm afraid of turning into my grandma, I fear I will fuck them up. So I donated some of my eggs in college to relieve the urge of procreating, and remove my own fear of having to nurture them. But after my grandpa passed, I got the idea that I might want kids eventually because I feel that the legacy of our lost loved ones live on through us and the people in our lives and I want to pass on the qualities of my grandpa who was the most thoughtful person I've known. But the thought of kids is terrifying too because it weighs down my wanderlust fantasies of backpacking through Europe. I get so lost in my passions, I fear I will be a really shitty parent.

But before any of the wants, I need to stop making things so difficult for myself. I wish I wasn't so intense, yet I feel that comes with the territory of being creative. It's just passion.

I know this post seems like it's all over the place, but this movie has been on my mind. My actions and sexual escapades topped with getting hit up by the college guy a couple of days ago has made these thoughts swarm around my head like crazy. I'm not even sure if this helps, because I know my actions have become a bad habit I need to break. Perhaps my candid honesty will set an example for others to be more truthful with themselves.

Life is too short to be lying to yourself.

Hair oil mix I'm trying

Hair oil mix I'm trying:

• Argan oil
• Coconut oil 
• Macadamia oil 
• Vitamin E oil 
• Fish oil 

Note this  current formula coagulates, I'm guessing it's from the fish oil but I'm not sure yet... I just know these are all really good thing to use for your hair individually, so I'm putting them together in a spray bottle to try it out! 

Ménage à Trois

I fucking love 3somes.

It started when I graduated college. I had my eye on the owner of the company that I worked for at the time. On the day I got fired, he asked me to have coffee, I thought, "Hell, why not?". Then it progressed to video games over wine. He told me his gf liked me, out of respect for her as a woman, I asked him to wait till she was around so we can all play together.

So finally one night we did bottle service at some club, her and I got so hot and heavy we were practically doing it at the club. That night of drunken debauchery will forever be on my mind as one of the hottest nights of my life. So many endless positions, sharing with her has become kind of a thing for us after that. Let's call her Ella.

My second threesome experience was probably the worst. My best friend at the time had our eyes on the same guy. I got the guy, but not long after I suggested to share him with her. Only problem was, she's completely not into girls, so we didn't kiss, she didn't let me kiss her boobies, nothing. It was kind of lame because the best thing about threesomes for me is having a beautiful woman to share a cock. I fucked him, and then masturbated to watching those two fuck. I didn't really feel anything. Perhaps it was just because I didn't really like him all that much. This was shortly before I started camming.

(Some time after I started camming, Ella and I had a GG encounter, but no cock, not as fun.)

The third was funny because I'm really naive to people hitting on me. I'm trying to not be so dumb but I'm used to having guy friends where they don't do anything. Hence, I have the tendency to think other guys don't have sexual intentions. Ella invited me to meet her new guy with her group of friends. I was instantly attracted to him, just like the first guy we shared. I fucked him with my eyes all night long, fantasizing about him. There were so many cues and clues I should have picked up on but I didn't really know it was happening until my friend Ella kissed her dude, kissed me, then kind of pushed our heads together, that's when I was like... "ohhhhh". As hot as he was, that guy turned out to be kind of a douche, and I'm so glad I got to fuck him and leave.

My fourth time was with Ella again, was after AVN a couple of years ago. She sent me a picture of her new guy. Gorgeous as always. I swear her and I have the same taste in men. Her suggestion... we dress up as sexy secretaries and try to slut our way into a promotion. At this point Ella and I have shared 3 men together, all hers.

Ella and I met up for our 4th threesome with the same guy as the previous experience. Thankfully I was on my period because that guy fucks like a jack hammer and I just don't enjoy the way he fucks. We were doing a GG bj on him but then she hands him a camera to film, and I got kind of awkward because as a camgirl, I would want to sell the footage and I know that she would want to keep it private. (This is where the desire for a bgg BJ video stemmed from and I'm so so so happy I got to do it with Jenny. Anyway I'm getting to that one.) We proceeded to the bedroom and I choked her as she got fucked. I always have a lot of fun playing with her because she's fucking hot. I say yes to Ella because I do it her. If playing with her comes with a dude, sure I'm in.

• Side Note: Sex to me is weird. I love it and hate it. When I am getting laid, I want it all the time, multiple times a day. Once I stop, I go on a cock cleanse for a minimum of 8 months (not purposefully, it's just something I've noticed). I recently broke my 14mos cleanse, which was too long. But it had to be done because I usually get really attached to who I'm fucking, even if they are douchebags. I hate that. I hate that I get attached to douchebags, I get jealous and possessive, it's so biological it's annoying. I start to annoy myself, probably why I go on a "cock cleanse". So I try to be picky about who I fuck so that I don't start getting all sappy over some prick. With that said, some how I don't feel much when it comes to threesomes. I don't get attached to the cock as a guest. Guys think a BGG/MFF threesome is all about the guy, it really isn't, at least not with me. With me, it's all about the girl. The cock is there for fucking and sucking or whatever but my main focus is always on the other woman.

Can I reiterate how awesome it was to play with Jenny? Gah that woman is so beautiful. I'm so stoked I got her to cum, what an honor. Have you guys seen the video? This video was edited from 4hrs of content by JennyBlighe, you seriously need to subscribe to her videos-> JennyBlighe.com. Ok now that you've heard from our sponsors, I will continue with the regular scheduled typing... So, I secretly fantasized about sharing a cock with Jenny because I too am an oral person, so being able to film with her was like crossing something off my bucket list, it was EPIC. We had so much fun, it was insane. It was all about making Jenny cum over and over. I'm so excited we get to show you guys the footages, and gives you guys a glimpse of something I enjoy but normally prefer to keep private. 

I had a text conversation with a model who's bf I've been drooling over, which the topic of sharing came up. So we made plans to hook up. I have yet to make sense of it all, but it was hot. For her privacy, I will leave the details out of it. 

• All this really just makes the topic of threesomes float around my brain. Society, culture, tradition tells us that monogamy is the "norm". Then, when I was young, my mom told me all the men she's dated or married has either cheated on her or she was the other woman. She told me that men cheat, if they don't do it, they think about it. So ever since I started dating, I've tried to beat them to the punch but usually with girls (if that even counts). I'm not sure if people are really meant to be monogamous. It's a nice concept, but how often are people happy when they are monogamous? I don't have any model relationships. All the monogamous people I know are miserable. The ones that cheat are even more miserable because of all the hiding they have to do, it's so tedious. When it comes to threesomes, it almost defies the term "cheating". I've heard of cheating as doing something behind someone's back that involves lying, it's an act of dishonesty. Then I start to think, "What are people really upset about? Is it the carnal act of sex and lust or is it the the betrayal of hiding and lying?".
• Someone asked me why a person would bring an attractive person to fuck their bf, my response, "Would you want to see your boyfriend fuck someone ugly?". Me personally, because I am attracted to girls, I'd want to be involved. The thought of my guy doing something with another chick when I'm not around drives me nuts, because it's biology. But in a threesome scenario the thought is extremely intoxicating. 
• I often fantasize about a relationship with a man and a woman because I think that's the answer. Then I wonder if maybe threesomes are the answer to the mere possibility of a true and lasting relationship. But it's neither. The answer is communication, being able to tell another person what you want and what you like. It's not easy to say, "I want to fuck someone else", but we think it. It's not easy to share our deepest darkest desires but when you do tell someone and you find someone that understands and doesn't judge you, that's when you start to find yourself.

My walls are up so high. I'm so guarded, but I am so happy to have people in my life that I don't have to censor myself. Letting go of the fear of people judging me, gives people the opportunity for them to like me for who I am. I think we should all have more faith in ourselves and find people based off of our true selves. "I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not". Many have said this in multiple languages throughout time yet I still find new meaning in it periodically.

All I want to do, is find the courage to be myself each and every day. Live a life without the fear of judgement because my life is my own. #DreamofEnlightenment.