The Princess Bride:

I often say that this is my favorite movie of all time. So let's break down who/what/when/where/why.

When I was in college, I was in a relationship for 3.5 years. It was my longest relationship, since then my relationships or even the people I date, don't last more than 6mos.

During one of many toxic fights, he stormed out of the house we were living in, and came home with The Princess Bride.

I simply fell in love with the movie. A movie about true love, sportsmanship with the perfect comedic relief.

Growing up without a model relationship to look up to, I'm not sure true love exists, but this movie made me believe... it made me want it and want to look for it.

I started falling asleep to this movie every night during college for over a year while I was still dating my college "sweetheart" because I was so comforted by the movie.

I shy away from watching the movie when my heart feels cold as stone because I'm afraid it's too cold to be warmed by the movie. I'm afraid that the movie will lose it's magic because I don't feel anything.

But when I'm open to the possibility of love, I will sit down and watch it. I cry on cue during certain scenes followed by laughter through those tears.

Part of me is still resentful at him for ruining my outlook on relationships. He ruined me because I thought he was "the one". I was sure of it, he would call me wifey and I would call him hubby. But I fucked that up, I kissed another guy and then hooked up with my ex and then told him about it because of the guilt I felt. Instead of breaking up, we just kept trying to make it work. We couldn't admit to ourselves or each other that it just wasn't working. No matter how shitty he treated me, I just took it.

Fueled by ego and self-righteousness, denial is poisonous. 

But honestly speaking, I ruined me.

Towards the end of our relationship, I was vagina crazy. I really wanted to find a girl for a threesome, but instead I started dating a girl on the side, behind his back.

I do this a lot when I am with a guy... go for women. When I was 16, my mom told me all men cheat, if they don't do it, they think about it. Since I've started dating, I've always tried to beat them to the punch.

I think, I simply hate men. I hate men because their lust disgusts me. Their lust disgusts me because it makes me feel like an object that is perishable, replaceable and invaluable. When a relationship is too sexual, no matter how good the sex is, I get bored because it lacks substance. The ones that don't disgust me because they like me as a person: scare me. I'm afraid because I'm afraid of opening up and getting hurt. My fear of getting hurt perpetuates this cycle of self-sabotage where I try to hurt those I'm with before they can hurt me.

I do this with members I get close to, I can get really mean because I'm fear they will leave, so I push them away. I do this with guys I date, I'm afraid they will cheat and their heart will stray, so I project my fear and cheat on them with women.

I want to find a person who looks at me the way my grandpa looked at me, the look of unconditional love. I am happiest when I connect with people. I feel exhilarated when I am wander the streets of a foreign place. I want to travel the world and explore different cultures. My very first belief towards kids was that I didn't want to birth my own. There are too many people on this planet. At most, I thought I would adopt. Then looking at my family, I just didn't want kids because I'm afraid of turning into my grandma, I fear I will fuck them up. So I donated some of my eggs in college to relieve the urge of procreating, and remove my own fear of having to nurture them. But after my grandpa passed, I got the idea that I might want kids eventually because I feel that the legacy of our lost loved ones live on through us and the people in our lives and I want to pass on the qualities of my grandpa who was the most thoughtful person I've known. But the thought of kids is terrifying too because it weighs down my wanderlust fantasies of backpacking through Europe. I get so lost in my passions, I fear I will be a really shitty parent.

But before any of the wants, I need to stop making things so difficult for myself. I wish I wasn't so intense, yet I feel that comes with the territory of being creative. It's just passion.

I know this post seems like it's all over the place, but this movie has been on my mind. My actions and sexual escapades topped with getting hit up by the college guy a couple of days ago has made these thoughts swarm around my head like crazy. I'm not even sure if this helps, because I know my actions have become a bad habit I need to break. Perhaps my candid honesty will set an example for others to be more truthful with themselves.

Life is too short to be lying to yourself.