Dear Diary:

Today was a weird day.

I mean.... I woke up to a series of texts and a lot of people said things that were extremely flattering.

My first text exchange of the day I had a guy friend text me saying "Hope all is well miss that beautiful face lol". It picked me up because all women like to be told their beautiful, and it's nice to be missed.

Then I responded to a text from the guy/company who buys my jewelry in bulk. He was responding to a message I sent from the previous day saying "Anything to get your jewelry in the hands of happy customers." I replied saying "Thank you so much for your support. I've been feeling painfully uninspired. Your responses mean a lot!". He called me instantly asking me "What's up? Why?". So I started to explain I came back from the jewelry show in Vegas and I just felt not only burnt from making thousands of pieces that went unsold but all of the stuff got shipped back into my apt and I'm buried in STUFF. My mind is all over the place, I had all these ideas pulling me in all directions and I let the voices of my family calling my passion a "gig" get to me.

He started giving me ideas on how to market, gave me a direction, and I just blurted out "Thank you, I love you". I mean I have a problem saying "I love you" but sometimes in the spur of the moment it comes out because I love them. He replied saying "I'm in love with you". It wasn't like for serious but it was still so weird to hear someone say it. It made me uncomfortable for a split moment but then I accepted it. I understood what he meant, and I swallowed the compliment as it was. I mean yes he's a very sexy man but I can't pinpoint why I feel weird about our exchanges. Perhaps it's because I'm in love with him and his wife and I don't know why she's not in the picture at the moment. Perhaps it's because I don't like the idea of mixing business and pleasure. I mean he makes me feel so good about myself because he supports and PRAISES my creations so much, but something feels off. I blame myself for this feeling because I accidentally sent a picture that showed a little too much of me (as in vagina and all), but I'm also relieved that someone is so accepting of all my crazy.

I took his call in my car and I finished it out side of work. I stepped into work and the night was different too.

It was a quiet night. My manager told me he was happy to see my because I give him "hope".

I spent a lot of time thinking about how to rebrand my jewelry, new name, new logo. I doodled on countless napkins with new ideas.

I spoke to a guy, told him my age and he literally stood up and was like "ok bye".

Never in my life have I ever had someone react this way like I was "too old". (This guy was well into his 60s+, so it made it extra fucked up). Usually people like my age, I'm not a woman in my 20s. I've got time under my belt, educated, well traveled and if you're lucky, I'm pretty funny. He was talking to me about Thailand and Indonesia, then he started to talk to my friend who's dark skinned about Africa and Ethiopia... How rude, ignorant, racist can you be?

His card got declined and he tried to return his drink....

My mom, grandma, they all taught me how to be a lady and classy. That was fucking ratchet.

At this point, I just want to go home.

Get home, hop on cam and on some level it's like I can breathe.

Guys were nice, and I knew someone that came by and showed me mad love.

Did a private with him and we played with my butt.

See, another thing that made my day so all over the place. I never do butt stuff.

But yesterday and today I was like, "Let's put stuff in my butt".

For the first time, I enjoyed myself. I mean with stuff in my butt. Haha. I mean normally it's so weird and I low-key hate it. But my relationship with anal is weird like that. Purely the definition of insanity... I keep trying it hoping for a different result, but today I actually did get a different result it was rather enjoyable.

So my cam day kind of made up for how shitty my work day went.

I'm thankful to know that there's a person or people out there who truly do love my creations and they support it 1000%.

Maybe I'm afraid their interest in my work is based on the accidental picture I sent but I have to remind myself that our partnership started well before that and the fact that it the picture didn't deter them should be a good thing.

I'm trying not to let some idiot's reaction to my age get to me but as a woman who's been working in the adult industry for 8yrs, I know my time is limited and it's a daunting fear.

Days like this I want to curl up in the arms of my fav Dick and just cry but we don't have that type of "relationship". I've broken down into tears in his arms countless times but I feel like it's unfair to put those feelings onto him because we simply fuck. Despite all the chaos, when he responds to my texts, it always surprises me because they are so unexpected yet perfect and comforting.

Admittedly, I know I'm in love with him and I'm trying my best not to let my insecurities get in the way, but I can't help but think "No, I can't. It's not fair to him". I feel like the shell of a woman and I've got nothing to give. I'm sad and uninspired. I'm completely lost. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't understand how he feels about me, all I know is I'm honest with him, I try to be transparent, he sticks around and makes me happy. It annoys me that he makes me happy because I don't want my "happiness" to be dependent on another, I want it to come from within me. I miss him all the time.

Maybe I'm so bothered by hearing a guy tell me he's in love with me and it's not coming from the mouth of my favorite dick. But realistically speaking, I don't ever expect to hear those words from him. I take our courtship for what it is and I'm grateful because honestly, I don't even like me right now.

I think my point is that the majority of my day, I felt appreciated while not having the self-esteem like I deserve the praise.

My buyer said, we can't just go to sleep in hopes that we would wake up feeling inspired.

That's what I've been trying to do. Sleep until I wake up one day feeling like my confident self.

He advised me to do something that calms me before bed. Dumping my thoughts out on a blog has always helped me clear my mind.

I'm hoping all those napkins are a sign that my Muse is watching over my shoulders again. I've so desperately missed her energy. I know she doesn't abandon me and I was waiting for her to come back to me. I'm tired of waiting...

I'm going to try and put myself back together, look for her and pull her back to me. Wherever my Muse went, I'm going to find Her.