I love you:

Currently watching show where this guy keeps saying "I love you".

Those words sound so weird to me. I quite literally can't stand hearing them sometimes because it sounds empty. 

My grandpa never said "I love you" to me not in Chinese, Russian and definitely not in English, but I just knew that he did. I could see it in the way he looked at me. I made a vow to myself long ago that I would spend my life looking for someone who looked at me the way he did... with pure adoration. 

I can call people "love" because I have love for a lot of people. But I just hate saying "I love you". 

When I hear people say it to me, I think to myself, "No you don't because you don't really know me. You know what you've seen, which is probably what I've shown you."

I don't even know how long it's been, but I simply don't feel worthy of people's love. When I'm on cam and a guy starts to spoil me, I have the tendency to ignore them or push them away. 

When there are people around me and they show too much interest I remove myself from the situation. (This is where cigarette breaks comes in handy despite the fact that I can go days, weeks months and I just don't get "cravings"). 

It's even worse when I have feelings for someone because the feeling of being unworthy of love is combined with the fear of abandonment and I just find ways to distance myself. 

Women, I like to distract myself with women when I'm really into a guy. 

If I look back and think about where my insecurities came from, my mom left me with my grandparents in China when I was 2yrs old. Kids would sing this Chinese song, "In this world, mom is best". Whenever I heard it I was so sad because I thought to myself... "I wouldn't know". 

When I was 7yrs old, I went to go live with my mom in Canada. I remember the first time she got mad at my because I made a 1inch cut on our bedsheets because I wanted to test out how sharp the scissors were. I remember her screaming and throwing a stack of bills at me out of anger and probably stress, but looking back, that was so trivial. 

I recently found a dated suicide letter from when I was 11yrs old. I cried when I read it because I talked about how I felt like a burden and how I felt like my mom would be so much happier without me being "in the way". 

In Feb or March I confessed my darkest secret to the person, actually people by association, I wronged the most in my life. The things they said to me, it sounded like the things I tell myself. "You deserve the worst in life and there's a special place in hell for you". I simply don't disagree. and that's why I realized I've been punishing myself emotionally for a decade now. 

Every ounce of "good" I do, has been a feeble effort to redeem my soul. 

I balled like a freaken baby when my friend said to me, "Stop and just let me love you."

My lack of motivation, inspiration, insecurity, fear I think it all stems from being passed around by my family back and forth in terms of custody and the fact that no one wanted to take responsibility of me as a kid. It doesn't usually affect me so much but I have triggers and my family kind of nailed the coffin shut on those. I'm so hurt by them I just want to learn how to live my life without them so that they can't do this to me again. 

Even today, I had this urge to try and make up with my mom but then I realized it would only give her the opportunity to hurt me more in the future. 

I really desperately need to find myself. I need to find my own happiness and self-esteem that isn't based on how much a person or people love me. I hate myself for being such a desperate people pleaser. What have they done for me? 

Despite the separation anxiety I feel about the idea of leaving NYC, I think I really need to go on an RV road trip even if it's for a few months. I think I'm just going to try to start packing? Maybe worse comes to worse, I'll put my stuff in storage.

I think I was hoping that motivation would find me but I am to the point where I think I need to find it before something else does or before I lose all of my will. 

Today was better than yesterday. I vow to make tomorrow better than today.

Contributions to my RV dream is so greatly appreciated youcaring.com/joybubs-1120531 Thank you