Independence:

One of the things I've always admired about my mom was her strength.

The month I graduated college, my mom cut me off financially despite the fact that I was not employed.

Since then, I've never expected help from her or anyone else.

I once had a guy say to me "You are you're own power couple".

In an odd way, that's what I wanted.

These days I just feel lost and tired.

I always felt like if I just kept going and moving that I would have this magical "Eureka" moment where everything makes sense.

But I'm exhausted and I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going.

My family was always my guidance and without them, I'm trying to learn how to live for myself.

I so desperately want to find my own happiness from within and not my surroundings.

But how?

Is everyone super good at faking it? Or am I just a shit mess?

Realistically speaking, it's probably a little of both.

I don't even know where to begin to clean things up and it is showing.

I'm slipping and I'm cracking.

Making a hard effort to start from within and let's see if I can not blaze for a bit.

I'm always about experimenting to see what the outcome is, and that's something that's been a constant for some time and I am curious what my baseline is.

My relationship with alcohol is getting out of control. I love my creativity and how I can sometimes connect those weird feelings to words when I drink. But as honest as I am when I'm drunk, I'm no longer creative and it's hurting me.

Maybe this whole time I've just been a car on a two dimensional plane, bouncing around like a caffeinated spider.

But I need to be a plane and travel up.

Everything just seems so bleak.

I used to think I've got things under control.

Now, I'm constantly thinking, "What am I doing?".

I can't even tell if I'm trying or I've given up.

Is it possible to feel both simultaneously?

Perhaps trying but not hard enough or I'm not trying yet but I want to?

I feel like I need a hug. To curl up and be reassured that it will be ok.

I just don't know how much longer I can hold myself together.

This isn't a cry for help.

Just my way of venting so I can get it out, see it in front of me.

A feeble way of trying.

Trying to be better.

I know I can get back there, but I'm frozen on the "how?".

1 week without bud is not enough to even get my appetite back.

Patience.

I need to be the one who tells myself it will be ok.

I'm smart and I got this stupid thing called "life".

Adulting is so much harder than people make it look.

How is it so effortless for some?

I just wish my mom would text me and ask me if I'm ok.

I'll tell her things are great but I just need to know she actually cares.

Then part of me screams out, "NO!" because I wonder if that's just the twisted desperation of an abused puppy speaking and it doesn't know any better.

Again, I need to find the strength within me to pick myself back up.

Am I being stubborn?

I don't really know how to bring myself to part from my bed today, but I need to.

I need to be better.

I do not want to be in this same place next year.

I don't want to feel so stuck.

I want to look in the mirror and see someone worth loving.

I just don't know where my confidence went.

Not to mention my Muse.

I feel like I'm failing at life and I am painfully uninspired.

I get little glimmers of hope but I'm not quick enough to catch them.

I wish I could have Flash abilities.

But I'm just a human. Mortal.

I want to get better because I fear if I don't I'm going to lose everyone around me.

For once in my life I'm trying to keep people in my life.

Lois may be human but I am not a damsel because I can and I will save myself.

I want to look like Wonder Woman with Flash powers.

My brain is all over the place and I'm not even sure if all this verbal non-sense helped.

But I know, I'm trying. 

It's literally baffling to me how we don't choose to be born, yet I feel indebted to the people who choose to not abort me.

It was my mom's choice to have me. She could have aborted me like the pregnancy before me and I would never be alive as my grandma so kindly told me as a teenager.

I shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting to live life for myself instead of them.

I don't know how to unburden myself.

I just know I'm tired of carrying so much weight on my shoulders.

https://youtu.be/A_MjCqQoLLA

Watching Sir Paul sing me Hey Jude via YouTube was a pick me up.