My first Christmas as a camgirl, I was fighting with my mom so I worked on Christmas. From then on, working on Christmas just became a thing.
Today will be my 7th Christmas on cam.
This year, my mom wanted to buy me a winter coat, my reply was get me a gift card for groceries because I'm a starving artist. Instead, she didn't get me anything. Nothing from my uncle. Nothing from members I know. I just treasure RedChasten and her members that came into my room to wish me Merry Christmas the other day, I'm not sure they know just how much that meant to me.
But to be honest, I didn't expect anything, and that is the reason I didn't even bother begging for anything. If people rarely tip when I'm working, I don't expect them to want to buy me anything for the holidays either.
I honestly just don't really like Christmas. I don't like how it forces people to get each other things, and then the lack of presents makes a person feel bad. What is the point of gifting? My favorite day of the year is Thanksgiving.
To me Christmas is just another day of the year, a day where there are less girls online and guys have a better chance at discovering me. That is my gift on Christmas.
I'm grateful for the people who thought about me and wished me Merry Christmas via Twitter and text.
I woke up to one text message, in caps filled with the enthusiasm of a child, and it was the only one I wanted to see. I can't ask for more.
I'm going to make the most of today and get ready for my Christmas camathon with zero expectations so I don't get my hopes up and get disappointed. That's kind of been my motto since I was a kid.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Grief:
I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream that I don't recall, except this quote,
"We often try to find meaning in death, where instead we should look for meaning in life."
I took this to mean, sometimes people die and we wonder why, but instead we should look for the meaning of the life they lived.
In the beginning of this year, my mom's best friend's daughter took her own life. This tragedy was followed by the passing of my childhood best friend's mom from cancer. I was in a severe state of depression because I kept wondering "why"? Why do good people have to die so early?
This quote made me realize that I shouldn't dwell on why they died, but why they lived. I should focus on the impact they had when they were alive.
Focus on the legacy they leave behind, and remember to live my own life with meaning.
Some wonder what is the meaning of life? The way Stephen Hawking explains it is, it is unique to our species that we even ponder on the question "why". The meaning of life, is what we give it.
I feel my life has meaning from the human connections that I formed and I have formed the most unique and profound connections through my job as a camgirl because I have found people who are like minded. People who are nerds, intellectual, and perverted.
Thank you for being in my life and giving my life meaning.
"We often try to find meaning in death, where instead we should look for meaning in life."
I took this to mean, sometimes people die and we wonder why, but instead we should look for the meaning of the life they lived.
In the beginning of this year, my mom's best friend's daughter took her own life. This tragedy was followed by the passing of my childhood best friend's mom from cancer. I was in a severe state of depression because I kept wondering "why"? Why do good people have to die so early?
This quote made me realize that I shouldn't dwell on why they died, but why they lived. I should focus on the impact they had when they were alive.
Focus on the legacy they leave behind, and remember to live my own life with meaning.
Some wonder what is the meaning of life? The way Stephen Hawking explains it is, it is unique to our species that we even ponder on the question "why". The meaning of life, is what we give it.
I feel my life has meaning from the human connections that I formed and I have formed the most unique and profound connections through my job as a camgirl because I have found people who are like minded. People who are nerds, intellectual, and perverted.
Thank you for being in my life and giving my life meaning.
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Alcohol:
I've been under so much stress, trying to not let it show on cam by binge drinking. It was a few times a week, grew to a daily basis, then most recently twice a day, for both my morning and night shift on cam.
I didn't drink yesterday and I just started having the worst headache this morning. I thought it was a migraine so I tried to masturbate. It didn't work. I tried to eat some food, thought perhaps maybe I'm famished. I tried to take a nap, 2 hours later it still didn't work. I tried drinking water nope. I then decided to take some alka seltzer.
Then it daunted on me that there's a possibility I'm withdrawing from all the drinking. I then remembered that I've had this headache before. Yup, after long periods of heavy drinking, even a day off will cause a headache on the right side of my head.
So here's my problem: I simply treasure the fact that I am an alcoholic.
I know it's really fucked up but my favorite person in the whole world was an alcoholic, and alcoholism is genetic. I feel it's a trait I get from my grandpa, when I drink, I feel like I'm closer to him.
I know alcoholism is very serious, withdrawal from alcohol is almost as bad as heroin. I should have more self control because I studied psychology in college, my area of concentration was neuropsychology where a lot of my classes were in substances and substance abuse.
It's just hard to even consider decreasing my alcohol intake right now because of how much I'm struggling and the fact that I accept tokens for shots. Drinking in a way has become a source of income.
I am aware that I'm a shit mess but I don't really have much motivation to not drink. It's my creative lube, my social lube, and what warms my cold cold heart.
I don't even know why I'm writing this post except maybe to just admit that I know I have a problem, but I don't quite know how to tackle it.
I didn't drink yesterday and I just started having the worst headache this morning. I thought it was a migraine so I tried to masturbate. It didn't work. I tried to eat some food, thought perhaps maybe I'm famished. I tried to take a nap, 2 hours later it still didn't work. I tried drinking water nope. I then decided to take some alka seltzer.
Then it daunted on me that there's a possibility I'm withdrawing from all the drinking. I then remembered that I've had this headache before. Yup, after long periods of heavy drinking, even a day off will cause a headache on the right side of my head.
So here's my problem: I simply treasure the fact that I am an alcoholic.
I know it's really fucked up but my favorite person in the whole world was an alcoholic, and alcoholism is genetic. I feel it's a trait I get from my grandpa, when I drink, I feel like I'm closer to him.
I know alcoholism is very serious, withdrawal from alcohol is almost as bad as heroin. I should have more self control because I studied psychology in college, my area of concentration was neuropsychology where a lot of my classes were in substances and substance abuse.
It's just hard to even consider decreasing my alcohol intake right now because of how much I'm struggling and the fact that I accept tokens for shots. Drinking in a way has become a source of income.
I am aware that I'm a shit mess but I don't really have much motivation to not drink. It's my creative lube, my social lube, and what warms my cold cold heart.
I don't even know why I'm writing this post except maybe to just admit that I know I have a problem, but I don't quite know how to tackle it.
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Cam Friends:
So the other day, I had about 135ppl in my room for a decent amount of time, yet I was at 15tkns for the hour. I messaged a model friend of mine, Christy_love and I asked her for advice on how to urge guys to tip in public chat.
Admittedly, I had her premium account banned for life because I'm an impatient cunt like that.
So after having her unbanned, she came in to give me some great advice.
I just wanted to say that I am really thankful to have co-workers who I know I can go to for help and they will be kind and try to help me because I am not one to ask for help. I pride myself around my independence but I think sometimes we have to admit when we do need help.
RedChasten came into my room the other day, tipped me, and the next thing I know, guys were tipping me because she had told them to, with a PM from her that said "Merry Christmas from my room". I felt so torn. I love Red because she has such a big heart but I was sad that I didn't know anyone in my room that could return that love for me, nor am I in the position to return the favor in terms of tokens. Which just makes me feel Hell bent on trying to spoil her back when I do get a chance to see her. Hopefully that will be Vegas, but my attendance is undecided at the moment. I am just not sure I can actually afford the flight. I simply don't have any more room on my credit cards. I know, I'm a shit mess in the finance department.
JennyBlighe I've known for a few years now. She never really ceases to blow my mind. Her beauty but grace, that woman is a fucking class act. She's kind, unselfish and someone who simply treats me the way a friend does. She looks out for me and she's got my back. She is one of few models I know, where I felt that I could ask her for help and she wasn't going to look down on me for it and judge me by something as artificial as "camscore". I appreciate having her in my life so much, I will always do the same for her out of the respect that I have her.
AAPL_ who was the first model to ask me to be her AVN roomie all the way back in SEPTEMBER!! I admire her so much for everything that she has going on, her creativity, for being so well balanced. Her generosity and spirit is something I treasure so much. When I told her about my issue with a top member threatening to roofie and rape me, she asked me to visit her simply so that I can have company, and I'm not alone. I appreciate that so much.
WildeSky has such a big heart. I wish the world for her. I also spent a lot of time with her this year, she even had her room come into my room to wish me a happy birthday earlier this year. It simply made my day.
The new models I've met this year that I felt a kindness from: Saffron who I met in Chicago, but in Jersey, I was feeling so so so insecure, on the brink of tears (admittedly drunk as well), took time out of her day at the expo to hug me and talk to me to try to lift up my spirits. She's just so empathetic even via Twitter, I feel like it keeps me going.
AvianaRose is very new as a model, but she's the only person I know on my snapchat that actively talks to me through it and comments on my snaps. I'm not sure she knows just how encouraging her compliments are to me.
AmberVixx I met recently as well, but heart man heart. It is so refreshing. I'm not sure how, but I just feel so heavily when people have a big heart and it is so transparent.
Having a big heart is probably the purest, simplest form of being an authentic person. A person that is not fake, a person who is completely themselves.
ALL of the connections I have made from being a cam girl keeps me going because their hearts have touched mine.
I almost feel like I could go on and on about all the models I trust to call my friends. Girls who are self-less, kind, supportive and loyal. I love the people I've met from my job as a cam girl. I appreciate having a job where I want to work on a daily basis, not everyone can say that about what they do for a living.
People are lame if they think I would ever double cross my friends, or think that they can talk shit without it getting back to the person they are talking about. I feel people are insulting my intelligence when they are being two-faced and think I am clueless.
Anyway, I just want to say thank you, thank you for being in life. My heart is filled with so much joy when I stop and count my blessings.
P.S. I want to wife BabeVonDetta so I'm not going to tell you how badass she is...
Admittedly, I had her premium account banned for life because I'm an impatient cunt like that.
So after having her unbanned, she came in to give me some great advice.
I just wanted to say that I am really thankful to have co-workers who I know I can go to for help and they will be kind and try to help me because I am not one to ask for help. I pride myself around my independence but I think sometimes we have to admit when we do need help.
RedChasten came into my room the other day, tipped me, and the next thing I know, guys were tipping me because she had told them to, with a PM from her that said "Merry Christmas from my room". I felt so torn. I love Red because she has such a big heart but I was sad that I didn't know anyone in my room that could return that love for me, nor am I in the position to return the favor in terms of tokens. Which just makes me feel Hell bent on trying to spoil her back when I do get a chance to see her. Hopefully that will be Vegas, but my attendance is undecided at the moment. I am just not sure I can actually afford the flight. I simply don't have any more room on my credit cards. I know, I'm a shit mess in the finance department.
JennyBlighe I've known for a few years now. She never really ceases to blow my mind. Her beauty but grace, that woman is a fucking class act. She's kind, unselfish and someone who simply treats me the way a friend does. She looks out for me and she's got my back. She is one of few models I know, where I felt that I could ask her for help and she wasn't going to look down on me for it and judge me by something as artificial as "camscore". I appreciate having her in my life so much, I will always do the same for her out of the respect that I have her.
AAPL_ who was the first model to ask me to be her AVN roomie all the way back in SEPTEMBER!! I admire her so much for everything that she has going on, her creativity, for being so well balanced. Her generosity and spirit is something I treasure so much. When I told her about my issue with a top member threatening to roofie and rape me, she asked me to visit her simply so that I can have company, and I'm not alone. I appreciate that so much.
WildeSky has such a big heart. I wish the world for her. I also spent a lot of time with her this year, she even had her room come into my room to wish me a happy birthday earlier this year. It simply made my day.
The new models I've met this year that I felt a kindness from: Saffron who I met in Chicago, but in Jersey, I was feeling so so so insecure, on the brink of tears (admittedly drunk as well), took time out of her day at the expo to hug me and talk to me to try to lift up my spirits. She's just so empathetic even via Twitter, I feel like it keeps me going.
AvianaRose is very new as a model, but she's the only person I know on my snapchat that actively talks to me through it and comments on my snaps. I'm not sure she knows just how encouraging her compliments are to me.
AmberVixx I met recently as well, but heart man heart. It is so refreshing. I'm not sure how, but I just feel so heavily when people have a big heart and it is so transparent.
Having a big heart is probably the purest, simplest form of being an authentic person. A person that is not fake, a person who is completely themselves.
ALL of the connections I have made from being a cam girl keeps me going because their hearts have touched mine.
I almost feel like I could go on and on about all the models I trust to call my friends. Girls who are self-less, kind, supportive and loyal. I love the people I've met from my job as a cam girl. I appreciate having a job where I want to work on a daily basis, not everyone can say that about what they do for a living.
People are lame if they think I would ever double cross my friends, or think that they can talk shit without it getting back to the person they are talking about. I feel people are insulting my intelligence when they are being two-faced and think I am clueless.
Anyway, I just want to say thank you, thank you for being in life. My heart is filled with so much joy when I stop and count my blessings.
P.S. I want to wife BabeVonDetta so I'm not going to tell you how badass she is...
Sunday, December 18, 2016
How I Met Your Mother:
This has to be one of my favorite TV shows of all time.
I love it because I originally related to Ted growing up (this hopeless romantic on the search for true love) but as the show progressed, I got older and more jaded, I knew I was Robin.
A girl who's family wished she was a boy, one that was raised with the mentality that she was as strong as a boy. Someone who loved her independence and to travel the world, not to mention dogs, scotch, and guns, while being a Canadian.
I love this show because *spoiler alert* the show from the very first episode till the very last was always about her.
It's a show that tells a story about love and finding love, and the fact that we don't have to have one true love in our life, but we can have many. Not only can we have more than one, sometimes a relationship may not work in the moment but it doesn't mean that it will never work down the line.
I simply love the fact that Ted has always envisioned kids, Robin can't have kids. That in itself is perfect because they got everything out of life that they wanted and still ended up together. Ted got the family and kids he wanted. Robin got the life she wanted traveling the world reporting the news. At the end of it all, they lived the life that they wanted, and they also got the person they wanted to grow old together.
This story will never make me not cry. I've watched this series more than a handful of times and it will never get old, just like The Princess Bride because a story about true love never gets old.
A lot of HIMYM fans hate on this ending because of the title of the show "How I Met Your MOTHER" but really they are not seeing it for what the story is saying, the grand plan of it being about the fact that love can exist but it might not work until another time and place. The fact that the kids were filmed saying the lines that they did 9yrs prior to the end date, showed how they always wanted the show to end the way it did. It wasn't an ending that they came up with mid-series.
As I revisit all my favorite movies and shows, I am noticing a common theme of "true love". Charmed, The Princess Bride, How to Steal a Million, How I Met Your Mother...
I'm not sure I ever noticed how my favorite viewings had the theme of love.
Maybe this is my heart's way of reminding my brain why love is kind and it is patient.
And ultimately it is a reminder to never ever give up on love, and finding true love.
I love it because I originally related to Ted growing up (this hopeless romantic on the search for true love) but as the show progressed, I got older and more jaded, I knew I was Robin.
A girl who's family wished she was a boy, one that was raised with the mentality that she was as strong as a boy. Someone who loved her independence and to travel the world, not to mention dogs, scotch, and guns, while being a Canadian.
I love this show because *spoiler alert* the show from the very first episode till the very last was always about her.
It's a show that tells a story about love and finding love, and the fact that we don't have to have one true love in our life, but we can have many. Not only can we have more than one, sometimes a relationship may not work in the moment but it doesn't mean that it will never work down the line.
I simply love the fact that Ted has always envisioned kids, Robin can't have kids. That in itself is perfect because they got everything out of life that they wanted and still ended up together. Ted got the family and kids he wanted. Robin got the life she wanted traveling the world reporting the news. At the end of it all, they lived the life that they wanted, and they also got the person they wanted to grow old together.
This story will never make me not cry. I've watched this series more than a handful of times and it will never get old, just like The Princess Bride because a story about true love never gets old.
A lot of HIMYM fans hate on this ending because of the title of the show "How I Met Your MOTHER" but really they are not seeing it for what the story is saying, the grand plan of it being about the fact that love can exist but it might not work until another time and place. The fact that the kids were filmed saying the lines that they did 9yrs prior to the end date, showed how they always wanted the show to end the way it did. It wasn't an ending that they came up with mid-series.
As I revisit all my favorite movies and shows, I am noticing a common theme of "true love". Charmed, The Princess Bride, How to Steal a Million, How I Met Your Mother...
I'm not sure I ever noticed how my favorite viewings had the theme of love.
Maybe this is my heart's way of reminding my brain why love is kind and it is patient.
And ultimately it is a reminder to never ever give up on love, and finding true love.
Dream:
So I'm told that dreams reveal our hearts desire.
Well I had a dream that about a guy replying to the text message that I sent before I fell asleep, and in that dream he also commented on my twitter and blog. I then briefly woke up, fell back to sleep, yet I was under the impression that it truly happened because I had woken up. How very odd. I don't quite understand that part.
Another thing I remember about the dream that actually did make sense, "If I don't try to do things that make me uncomfortable, how will I ever grow as a person?"
I'm watching "How to Steal a Million" before I get on cam, a model on twitter commented that "Breakfast at Tiffany's" was her favorite but the only thing is, that movie bothers me because there's a quote that hits too close to home:
Well I had a dream that about a guy replying to the text message that I sent before I fell asleep, and in that dream he also commented on my twitter and blog. I then briefly woke up, fell back to sleep, yet I was under the impression that it truly happened because I had woken up. How very odd. I don't quite understand that part.
Another thing I remember about the dream that actually did make sense, "If I don't try to do things that make me uncomfortable, how will I ever grow as a person?"
I'm watching "How to Steal a Million" before I get on cam, a model on twitter commented that "Breakfast at Tiffany's" was her favorite but the only thing is, that movie bothers me because there's a quote that hits too close to home:
- “You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing,' and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”
I know I've built this cage for myself, to keep me safe, protected. But it cowardice. I am being a fucking coward.
"Optimism is the foundation of courage."
I need to be a little more optimistic, so that I can be brave and find the courage to be a stronger person.
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Bans:
Bans not personal because I don't actually know you as a person, so don't get your panties all in a bunch and get all butt hurt over it. There are thousands and thousands of models online. Find one that you will be kind to.
I ban people who are in my room and don't talk to me or are idle in my room because they make me feel like an object of desire instead of a human being. This is the main reason I ban, especially when I call someone out, say hi and I get no response, I will ban you and maybe for life. Please remember that I am a person and I came online for the social interaction.
I ban people who talk yet make me feel like a piece of meat because I want people to like me not just for my looks but for me as a person.
I also ban people when I am unable to talk to understand them, as in we simply don't see eye to eye. Again, this is my problem not yours.
I ban PM viewers because they do not contribute to the livelihood of my chatroom, therefore my happiness on cam.
I ban people with tokens who sit idly in my room and don't tip me because they have already given MFC their money, yet their actions tell me I'm not worth anything. Again, they are not supporting my livelihood on cam.
Sometimes the bans are not about not talking to me, nor not tipping me, it's simply the fact that looking at your screen name makes me feel bad about myself, and if I don't have to look at your screen name, I won't feel bad.
I have also banned members certain who use my room as a rest stop when their favorite models are not on cam.
I ban people who don't spend money on MFC because they don't contribute to the livelihood of the website that puts the roof over my head.
My views on banning are extremely harsh and terribly different than most models, and you may think I am a cunt but I just don't care because I care about my own happiness. That is why I ban, and ban so many people because I'm all about quality and not quantity.
What makes me happy and keeps you from getting banned? Try taking interest in me as a person. Ask me meaningful questions about myself, my views. Don't just tip for tits and ask if I will meet up with you. That makes me feel like shit. The way men lust for me on cam disgusts me because it makes me feel like an object that is perishable and replaceable. This isn't to say that I am not sexual or lust is bad. I am just saying that I don't like it when people purely lust after me because I am trying to create an environment where people like me as a person and we can have a decent substantial conversation with each other.
I do understand that I work on a sex site that entertains the lust of people. But you have to remember that I work for myself. I live for myself, and this is what I want.
I want a following that appreciates me as a person, and not just how I look naked because I think I look awesome naked. To have people like me just for my nudity would be too easy.
You can tip 1001tkns with Un-ban in the tip note. ATTN: If you are ignored, I wont be able to see your tip when I'm online, only in the form of offline tips/tip notes.
I ban people who are in my room and don't talk to me or are idle in my room because they make me feel like an object of desire instead of a human being. This is the main reason I ban, especially when I call someone out, say hi and I get no response, I will ban you and maybe for life. Please remember that I am a person and I came online for the social interaction.
I ban people who talk yet make me feel like a piece of meat because I want people to like me not just for my looks but for me as a person.
I also ban people when I am unable to talk to understand them, as in we simply don't see eye to eye. Again, this is my problem not yours.
I ban PM viewers because they do not contribute to the livelihood of my chatroom, therefore my happiness on cam.
I ban people with tokens who sit idly in my room and don't tip me because they have already given MFC their money, yet their actions tell me I'm not worth anything. Again, they are not supporting my livelihood on cam.
Sometimes the bans are not about not talking to me, nor not tipping me, it's simply the fact that looking at your screen name makes me feel bad about myself, and if I don't have to look at your screen name, I won't feel bad.
I have also banned members certain who use my room as a rest stop when their favorite models are not on cam.
I ban people who don't spend money on MFC because they don't contribute to the livelihood of the website that puts the roof over my head.
My views on banning are extremely harsh and terribly different than most models, and you may think I am a cunt but I just don't care because I care about my own happiness. That is why I ban, and ban so many people because I'm all about quality and not quantity.
What makes me happy and keeps you from getting banned? Try taking interest in me as a person. Ask me meaningful questions about myself, my views. Don't just tip for tits and ask if I will meet up with you. That makes me feel like shit. The way men lust for me on cam disgusts me because it makes me feel like an object that is perishable and replaceable. This isn't to say that I am not sexual or lust is bad. I am just saying that I don't like it when people purely lust after me because I am trying to create an environment where people like me as a person and we can have a decent substantial conversation with each other.
I do understand that I work on a sex site that entertains the lust of people. But you have to remember that I work for myself. I live for myself, and this is what I want.
I want a following that appreciates me as a person, and not just how I look naked because I think I look awesome naked. To have people like me just for my nudity would be too easy.
You can tip 1001tkns with Un-ban in the tip note. ATTN: If you are ignored, I wont be able to see your tip when I'm online, only in the form of offline tips/tip notes.
Friday, December 16, 2016
Fear:
I got a text on the 10th, from my college boyfriend who I dated for 3.5yrs. Despite the fact that I ignored his text, it still brought back a lot of pain, memories, and resentment.
Last night, I was upset and I responded. I blamed him for my lack of trust and all he wanted was to talk in person and try dating again. What the fucking fuck?!?!?! KILL ME.
There's not a fucking chance in hell.
I spent all night crying my eyes out. Aside from losing my grandpa, I have never ever cried so hard in my life. I was crying because my heart hurts. I hate the fact that I can't just enjoy a person's company without the fear of getting hurt.
That in itself is painful.
While my heart hurts, my brain tells me that what I feel right now is nothing in comparison to what I will be feeling about this down the road.
I just hurt so much right now, but my brain tells me that it will be okay.
Funny how people get jealous of who I'm fucking or seeing, yet they don't realize just how difficult it is for someone to stay in my life because I, myself, will innately isolate myself out of fear.
Last night, I was upset and I responded. I blamed him for my lack of trust and all he wanted was to talk in person and try dating again. What the fucking fuck?!?!?! KILL ME.
There's not a fucking chance in hell.
I spent all night crying my eyes out. Aside from losing my grandpa, I have never ever cried so hard in my life. I was crying because my heart hurts. I hate the fact that I can't just enjoy a person's company without the fear of getting hurt.
That in itself is painful.
While my heart hurts, my brain tells me that what I feel right now is nothing in comparison to what I will be feeling about this down the road.
I just hurt so much right now, but my brain tells me that it will be okay.
Funny how people get jealous of who I'm fucking or seeing, yet they don't realize just how difficult it is for someone to stay in my life because I, myself, will innately isolate myself out of fear.
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Self-Sabotage
Leave it to me to find a perfectly good guy and my only thought is, "I'm going to get hurt and I'm not going to let that happen".
I honestly am not completely sure why I do this to myself. Why can't I just have a good thing and not be afraid?
The last person I tried to date was two years ago. He told me he was emotionally unavailable and I thought to myself, "I'm going to make you love me".
This time when a guy tells me he doesn't want a relationship right off the bat, my thought is, "I have to do everything in my power not to like this guy, or else I'm just going to get hurt again".
Some where between making out with girls, threesomes and a sex party, I realized I was trying to distance myself emotionally, but none of that worked. It only made me like him more. How stupid is that?
I see his face in every guy I look at, I've been craving hamburgers every freaken day, and all of it is driving me nuts. I hate feeling insecure. My fear of being hurt is making me want to go back to pretending like I'm a fearless badass with no heart.
On the other hand, what I want at this moment, is to cuddle up with The Princess Bride, and remember why I think I can't see this guy any more because he sparked something inside of me: the I desire to believe in true love.
Even this post is confusing me. Do I want to find someone to love or do I want to be alone? At this pace I'm going to die alone.
I'm going to make myself a burger and watch The Princess Bride, perhaps that will make me feel better.
I honestly am not completely sure why I do this to myself. Why can't I just have a good thing and not be afraid?
The last person I tried to date was two years ago. He told me he was emotionally unavailable and I thought to myself, "I'm going to make you love me".
This time when a guy tells me he doesn't want a relationship right off the bat, my thought is, "I have to do everything in my power not to like this guy, or else I'm just going to get hurt again".
Some where between making out with girls, threesomes and a sex party, I realized I was trying to distance myself emotionally, but none of that worked. It only made me like him more. How stupid is that?
I see his face in every guy I look at, I've been craving hamburgers every freaken day, and all of it is driving me nuts. I hate feeling insecure. My fear of being hurt is making me want to go back to pretending like I'm a fearless badass with no heart.
On the other hand, what I want at this moment, is to cuddle up with The Princess Bride, and remember why I think I can't see this guy any more because he sparked something inside of me: the I desire to believe in true love.
Even this post is confusing me. Do I want to find someone to love or do I want to be alone? At this pace I'm going to die alone.
I'm going to make myself a burger and watch The Princess Bride, perhaps that will make me feel better.
Monday, December 12, 2016
The Princess Bride:
I often say that this is my favorite movie of all time. So let's break down who/what/when/where/why.
When I was in college, I was in a relationship for 3.5 years. It was my longest relationship, since then my relationships or even the people I date, don't last more than 6mos.
During one of many toxic fights, he stormed out of the house we were living in, and came home with The Princess Bride.
I simply fell in love with the movie. A movie about true love, sportsmanship with the perfect comedic relief.
Growing up without a model relationship to look up to, I'm not sure true love exists, but this movie made me believe... it made me want it and want to look for it.
I started falling asleep to this movie every night during college for over a year while I was still dating my college "sweetheart" because I was so comforted by the movie.
I shy away from watching the movie when my heart feels cold as stone because I'm afraid it's too cold to be warmed by the movie. I'm afraid that the movie will lose it's magic because I don't feel anything.
But when I'm open to the possibility of love, I will sit down and watch it. I cry on cue during certain scenes followed by laughter through those tears.
Part of me is still resentful at him for ruining my outlook on relationships. He ruined me because I thought he was "the one". I was sure of it, he would call me wifey and I would call him hubby. But I fucked that up, I kissed another guy and then hooked up with my ex and then told him about it because of the guilt I felt. Instead of breaking up, we just kept trying to make it work. We couldn't admit to ourselves or each other that it just wasn't working. No matter how shitty he treated me, I just took it.
Fueled by ego and self-righteousness, denial is poisonous.
But honestly speaking, I ruined me.
Towards the end of our relationship, I was vagina crazy. I really wanted to find a girl for a threesome, but instead I started dating a girl on the side, behind his back.
I do this a lot when I am with a guy... go for women. When I was 16, my mom told me all men cheat, if they don't do it, they think about it. Since I've started dating, I've always tried to beat them to the punch.
I think, I simply hate men. I hate men because their lust disgusts me. Their lust disgusts me because it makes me feel like an object that is perishable, replaceable and invaluable. When a relationship is too sexual, no matter how good the sex is, I get bored because it lacks substance. The ones that don't disgust me because they like me as a person: scare me. I'm afraid because I'm afraid of opening up and getting hurt. My fear of getting hurt perpetuates this cycle of self-sabotage where I try to hurt those I'm with before they can hurt me.
I do this with members I get close to, I can get really mean because I'm fear they will leave, so I push them away. I do this with guys I date, I'm afraid they will cheat and their heart will stray, so I project my fear and cheat on them with women.
I want to find a person who looks at me the way my grandpa looked at me, the look of unconditional love. I am happiest when I connect with people. I feel exhilarated when I am wander the streets of a foreign place. I want to travel the world and explore different cultures. My very first belief towards kids was that I didn't want to birth my own. There are too many people on this planet. At most, I thought I would adopt. Then looking at my family, I just didn't want kids because I'm afraid of turning into my grandma, I fear I will fuck them up. So I donated some of my eggs in college to relieve the urge of procreating, and remove my own fear of having to nurture them. But after my grandpa passed, I got the idea that I might want kids eventually because I feel that the legacy of our lost loved ones live on through us and the people in our lives and I want to pass on the qualities of my grandpa who was the most thoughtful person I've known. But the thought of kids is terrifying too because it weighs down my wanderlust fantasies of backpacking through Europe. I get so lost in my passions, I fear I will be a really shitty parent.
But before any of the wants, I need to stop making things so difficult for myself. I wish I wasn't so intense, yet I feel that comes with the territory of being creative. It's just passion.
I know this post seems like it's all over the place, but this movie has been on my mind. My actions and sexual escapades topped with getting hit up by the college guy a couple of days ago has made these thoughts swarm around my head like crazy. I'm not even sure if this helps, because I know my actions have become a bad habit I need to break. Perhaps my candid honesty will set an example for others to be more truthful with themselves.
Life is too short to be lying to yourself.
When I was in college, I was in a relationship for 3.5 years. It was my longest relationship, since then my relationships or even the people I date, don't last more than 6mos.
During one of many toxic fights, he stormed out of the house we were living in, and came home with The Princess Bride.
I simply fell in love with the movie. A movie about true love, sportsmanship with the perfect comedic relief.
Growing up without a model relationship to look up to, I'm not sure true love exists, but this movie made me believe... it made me want it and want to look for it.
I started falling asleep to this movie every night during college for over a year while I was still dating my college "sweetheart" because I was so comforted by the movie.
I shy away from watching the movie when my heart feels cold as stone because I'm afraid it's too cold to be warmed by the movie. I'm afraid that the movie will lose it's magic because I don't feel anything.
But when I'm open to the possibility of love, I will sit down and watch it. I cry on cue during certain scenes followed by laughter through those tears.
Part of me is still resentful at him for ruining my outlook on relationships. He ruined me because I thought he was "the one". I was sure of it, he would call me wifey and I would call him hubby. But I fucked that up, I kissed another guy and then hooked up with my ex and then told him about it because of the guilt I felt. Instead of breaking up, we just kept trying to make it work. We couldn't admit to ourselves or each other that it just wasn't working. No matter how shitty he treated me, I just took it.
Fueled by ego and self-righteousness, denial is poisonous.
But honestly speaking, I ruined me.
Towards the end of our relationship, I was vagina crazy. I really wanted to find a girl for a threesome, but instead I started dating a girl on the side, behind his back.
I do this a lot when I am with a guy... go for women. When I was 16, my mom told me all men cheat, if they don't do it, they think about it. Since I've started dating, I've always tried to beat them to the punch.
I think, I simply hate men. I hate men because their lust disgusts me. Their lust disgusts me because it makes me feel like an object that is perishable, replaceable and invaluable. When a relationship is too sexual, no matter how good the sex is, I get bored because it lacks substance. The ones that don't disgust me because they like me as a person: scare me. I'm afraid because I'm afraid of opening up and getting hurt. My fear of getting hurt perpetuates this cycle of self-sabotage where I try to hurt those I'm with before they can hurt me.
I do this with members I get close to, I can get really mean because I'm fear they will leave, so I push them away. I do this with guys I date, I'm afraid they will cheat and their heart will stray, so I project my fear and cheat on them with women.
I want to find a person who looks at me the way my grandpa looked at me, the look of unconditional love. I am happiest when I connect with people. I feel exhilarated when I am wander the streets of a foreign place. I want to travel the world and explore different cultures. My very first belief towards kids was that I didn't want to birth my own. There are too many people on this planet. At most, I thought I would adopt. Then looking at my family, I just didn't want kids because I'm afraid of turning into my grandma, I fear I will fuck them up. So I donated some of my eggs in college to relieve the urge of procreating, and remove my own fear of having to nurture them. But after my grandpa passed, I got the idea that I might want kids eventually because I feel that the legacy of our lost loved ones live on through us and the people in our lives and I want to pass on the qualities of my grandpa who was the most thoughtful person I've known. But the thought of kids is terrifying too because it weighs down my wanderlust fantasies of backpacking through Europe. I get so lost in my passions, I fear I will be a really shitty parent.
But before any of the wants, I need to stop making things so difficult for myself. I wish I wasn't so intense, yet I feel that comes with the territory of being creative. It's just passion.
I know this post seems like it's all over the place, but this movie has been on my mind. My actions and sexual escapades topped with getting hit up by the college guy a couple of days ago has made these thoughts swarm around my head like crazy. I'm not even sure if this helps, because I know my actions have become a bad habit I need to break. Perhaps my candid honesty will set an example for others to be more truthful with themselves.
Life is too short to be lying to yourself.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Hair oil mix I'm trying
Hair oil mix I'm trying:
- Argan oil
- Coconut oil
- Macadamia oil
- Vitamin E oil
- Fish oil
Note this current formula coagulates, I'm guessing it's from the fish oil but I'm not sure yet... I just know these are all really good thing to use for your hair individually, so I'm putting them together in a spray bottle to try it out!
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Ménage à Trois
I fucking love 3somes.
It started when I graduated college. I had my eye on the owner of the company that I worked for at the time. On the day I got fired, he asked me to have coffee, I thought, "Hell, why not?". Then it progressed to video games over wine. He told me his gf liked me, out of respect for her as a woman, I asked him to wait till she was around so we can all play together.
So finally one night we did bottle service at some club, her and I got so hot and heavy we were practically doing it at the club. That night of drunken debauchery will forever be on my mind as one of the hottest nights of my life. So many endless positions, sharing with her has become kind of a thing for us after that. Let's call her Ella.
My second threesome experience was probably the worst. My best friend at the time had our eyes on the same guy. I got the guy, but not long after I suggested to share him with her. Only problem was, she's completely not into girls, so we didn't kiss, she didn't let me kiss her boobies, nothing. It was kind of lame because the best thing about threesomes for me is having a beautiful woman to share a cock. I fucked him, and then masturbated to watching those two fuck. I didn't really feel anything. Perhaps it was just because I didn't really like him all that much. This was shortly before I started camming.
(Some time after I started camming, Ella and I had a GG encounter, but no cock, not as fun.)
The third was funny because I'm really naive to people hitting on me. I'm trying to not be so dumb but I'm used to having guy friends where they don't do anything. Hence, I have the tendency to think other guys don't have sexual intentions. Ella invited me to meet her new guy with her group of friends. I was instantly attracted to him, just like the first guy we shared. I fucked him with my eyes all night long, fantasizing about him. There were so many cues and clues I should have picked up on but I didn't really know it was happening until my friend Ella kissed her dude, kissed me, then kind of pushed our heads together, that's when I was like... "ohhhhh". As hot as he was, that guy turned out to be kind of a douche, and I'm so glad I got to fuck him and leave.
My fourth time was with Ella again, was after AVN a couple of years ago. She sent me a picture of her new guy. Gorgeous as always. I swear her and I have the same taste in men. Her suggestion... we dress up as sexy secretaries and try to slut our way into a promotion. At this point Ella and I have shared 3 men together, all hers.
Ella and I met up for our 4th threesome with the same guy as the previous experience. Thankfully I was on my period because that guy fucks like a jack hammer and I just don't enjoy the way he fucks. We were doing a GG bj on him but then she hands him a camera to film, and I got kind of awkward because as a camgirl, I would want to sell the footage and I know that she would want to keep it private. (This is where the desire for a bgg BJ video stemmed from and I'm so so so happy I got to do it with Jenny. Anyway I'm getting to that one.) We proceeded to the bedroom and I choked her as she got fucked. I always have a lot of fun playing with her because she's fucking hot. I say yes to Ella because I do it her. If playing with her comes with a dude, sure I'm in.
I had a text conversation with a model who's bf I've been drooling over, which the topic of sharing came up. So we made plans to hook up. I have yet to make sense of it all, but it was hot. For her privacy, I will leave the details out of it.
All I want to do, is find the courage to be myself each and every day. Live a life without the fear of judgement because my life is my own. #DreamofEnlightenment.
It started when I graduated college. I had my eye on the owner of the company that I worked for at the time. On the day I got fired, he asked me to have coffee, I thought, "Hell, why not?". Then it progressed to video games over wine. He told me his gf liked me, out of respect for her as a woman, I asked him to wait till she was around so we can all play together.
So finally one night we did bottle service at some club, her and I got so hot and heavy we were practically doing it at the club. That night of drunken debauchery will forever be on my mind as one of the hottest nights of my life. So many endless positions, sharing with her has become kind of a thing for us after that. Let's call her Ella.
My second threesome experience was probably the worst. My best friend at the time had our eyes on the same guy. I got the guy, but not long after I suggested to share him with her. Only problem was, she's completely not into girls, so we didn't kiss, she didn't let me kiss her boobies, nothing. It was kind of lame because the best thing about threesomes for me is having a beautiful woman to share a cock. I fucked him, and then masturbated to watching those two fuck. I didn't really feel anything. Perhaps it was just because I didn't really like him all that much. This was shortly before I started camming.
(Some time after I started camming, Ella and I had a GG encounter, but no cock, not as fun.)
The third was funny because I'm really naive to people hitting on me. I'm trying to not be so dumb but I'm used to having guy friends where they don't do anything. Hence, I have the tendency to think other guys don't have sexual intentions. Ella invited me to meet her new guy with her group of friends. I was instantly attracted to him, just like the first guy we shared. I fucked him with my eyes all night long, fantasizing about him. There were so many cues and clues I should have picked up on but I didn't really know it was happening until my friend Ella kissed her dude, kissed me, then kind of pushed our heads together, that's when I was like... "ohhhhh". As hot as he was, that guy turned out to be kind of a douche, and I'm so glad I got to fuck him and leave.
My fourth time was with Ella again, was after AVN a couple of years ago. She sent me a picture of her new guy. Gorgeous as always. I swear her and I have the same taste in men. Her suggestion... we dress up as sexy secretaries and try to slut our way into a promotion. At this point Ella and I have shared 3 men together, all hers.
Ella and I met up for our 4th threesome with the same guy as the previous experience. Thankfully I was on my period because that guy fucks like a jack hammer and I just don't enjoy the way he fucks. We were doing a GG bj on him but then she hands him a camera to film, and I got kind of awkward because as a camgirl, I would want to sell the footage and I know that she would want to keep it private. (This is where the desire for a bgg BJ video stemmed from and I'm so so so happy I got to do it with Jenny. Anyway I'm getting to that one.) We proceeded to the bedroom and I choked her as she got fucked. I always have a lot of fun playing with her because she's fucking hot. I say yes to Ella because I do it her. If playing with her comes with a dude, sure I'm in.
- Side Note: Sex to me is weird. I love it and hate it. When I am getting laid, I want it all the time, multiple times a day. Once I stop, I go on a cock cleanse for a minimum of 8 months (not purposefully, it's just something I've noticed). I recently broke my 14mos cleanse, which was too long. But it had to be done because I usually get really attached to who I'm fucking, even if they are douchebags. I hate that. I hate that I get attached to douchebags, I get jealous and possessive, it's so biological it's annoying. I start to annoy myself, probably why I go on a "cock cleanse". So I try to be picky about who I fuck so that I don't start getting all sappy over some prick. With that said, some how I don't feel much when it comes to threesomes. I don't get attached to the cock as a guest. Guys think a BGG/MFF threesome is all about the guy, it really isn't, at least not with me. With me, it's all about the girl. The cock is there for fucking and sucking or whatever but my main focus is always on the other woman.
I had a text conversation with a model who's bf I've been drooling over, which the topic of sharing came up. So we made plans to hook up. I have yet to make sense of it all, but it was hot. For her privacy, I will leave the details out of it.
- All this really just makes the topic of threesomes float around my brain. Society, culture, tradition tells us that monogamy is the "norm". Then, when I was young, my mom told me all the men she's dated or married has either cheated on her or she was the other woman. She told me that men cheat, if they don't do it, they think about it. So ever since I started dating, I've tried to beat them to the punch but usually with girls (if that even counts). I'm not sure if people are really meant to be monogamous. It's a nice concept, but how often are people happy when they are monogamous? I don't have any model relationships. All the monogamous people I know are miserable. The ones that cheat are even more miserable because of all the hiding they have to do, it's so tedious. When it comes to threesomes, it almost defies the term "cheating". I've heard of cheating as doing something behind someone's back that involves lying, it's an act of dishonesty. Then I start to think, "What are people really upset about? Is it the carnal act of sex and lust or is it the the betrayal of hiding and lying?".
- Someone asked me why a person would bring an attractive person to fuck their bf, my response, "Would you want to see your boyfriend fuck someone ugly?". Me personally, because I am attracted to girls, I'd want to be involved. The thought of my guy doing something with another chick when I'm not around drives me nuts, because it's biology. But in a threesome scenario the thought is extremely intoxicating.
- I often fantasize about a relationship with a man and a woman because I think that's the answer. Then I wonder if maybe threesomes are the answer to the mere possibility of a true and lasting relationship. But it's neither. The answer is communication, being able to tell another person what you want and what you like. It's not easy to say, "I want to fuck someone else", but we think it. It's not easy to share our deepest darkest desires but when you do tell someone and you find someone that understands and doesn't judge you, that's when you start to find yourself.
All I want to do, is find the courage to be myself each and every day. Live a life without the fear of judgement because my life is my own. #DreamofEnlightenment.
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