Alcohol:

I've been under so much stress, trying to not let it show on cam by binge drinking. It was a few times a week, grew to a daily basis, then most recently twice a day, for both my morning and night shift on cam.

I didn't drink yesterday and I just started having the worst headache this morning. I thought it was a migraine so I tried to masturbate. It didn't work. I tried to eat some food, thought perhaps maybe I'm famished. I tried to take a nap, 2 hours later it still didn't work. I tried drinking water nope. I then decided to take some alka seltzer.

Then it daunted on me that there's a possibility I'm withdrawing from all the drinking. I then remembered that I've had this headache before. Yup, after long periods of heavy drinking, even a day off will cause a headache on the right side of my head.

So here's my problem: I simply treasure the fact that I am an alcoholic.

I know it's really fucked up but my favorite person in the whole world was an alcoholic, and alcoholism is genetic. I feel it's a trait I get from my grandpa, when I drink, I feel like I'm closer to him.

I know alcoholism is very serious, withdrawal from alcohol is almost as bad as heroin. I should have more self control because I studied psychology in college, my area of concentration was neuropsychology where a lot of my classes were in substances and substance abuse.

It's just hard to even consider decreasing my alcohol intake right now because of how much I'm struggling and the fact that I accept tokens for shots. Drinking in a way has become a source of income.

I am aware that I'm a shit mess but I don't really have much motivation to not drink. It's my creative lube, my social lube, and what warms my cold cold heart.

I don't even know why I'm writing this post except maybe to just admit that I know I have a problem, but I don't quite know how to tackle it.